Third Time's The Charm

Chapter 2

At the moment I had miscarried, time itself turned into two paths. The timeline I was supposed to take went one way and I went the other ridiculous direction, the road down which I wouldn't have a baby in November. I'm NOT supposed to be here. Two roads diverged, and I took the one less traveled just because the other one had a fucking ROAD CLOSED sign in front of it. I continue farther and farther down this road and the farther I go the angrier I get. But, of course, there is no way back.

What did I do to cause this: I had an overly stressful shift at work, I drank a Coke, I had a sip of coffee, two sips of wine, I had too many cookies, didn't eat enough fruits and vegetables, forgot to take my prenatal vitamins a few times, I hate omega 3 so I didn't take it, I took some Tylenol when I was sick. I wasn't sure I wanted a child.... "Ahaha of course I did!"

Yesterday I spent most of the day murdering daylilies that had propagated all over the yard, spreading all the way from the neighbor's property into ours. I hacked away at their extensive root system and pulled up lily after lily. I was sweaty and tired, a vague worry crept over me, but I really wanted those lilies gone, so I kept digging and pulling. I was in a bad mood so I was enjoying pulling and hacking at the weeds. A deep, pulling pain kept spreading across my abdomen. The baby had already been dead for a week.

I like to think about how both Maya and I are healthy and can try again. I'm happy that it didn't happen later in the pregnancy, that I didn't get more attached. I know there are a lot of reasons for me to be happy but I just can't do it.

I had miscarried a full week before I found out. The life inside me had ended and I didn't even know it. It took a while for me to realize something was wrong. It's kind of like being on the phone and the call gets cut off but you are still gabbing away like an idiot. It's the sort of thing you should notice; something dead inside you. Your body should let you in on these things. Actually now that I think about it I had started to feel a little different; less nauseated, less headachy. I had no suspicions, just pain as I attempted to garden, and then the most insignificant spotting you could ever imagine.

When we first found out I was pregnant  I would always announce to Maya what part of our baby I would be forming that week. So when the ultrasound showed the baby just lying there at the bottom of my uterus, I thought, I forgot to keep their heart beating. I never understood before why women who've miscarried find the sight of pregnant women so upsetting, but now, I get it. It's not that I begrudge them their happy pregnancies. Who knows how many losses they've been through? Who knows what it took for them to get there? I really dislike feeling like that. I think it is because that's where I should be but it was all taken away in an instant. Thoughts raced through my mind all night I must've slept about an hour.

The next morning was just like any other. Maya made breakfast, I got myself ready for work and we sat down together. I could still see the disappointment on Maya's face and I hated it. I didn't want to see her like this but I really don't understand this situation.... I mean what am I supposed to do?

I placed my dishes in the sink and headed for the door. Maya turned to look at me and just stared.....

"I'm not ready to talk yet," I said.

"Okay," she said and turned back to her breakfast. The rest of the day was pretty much the same. Awkward one word answers and minimal eye contact. I had no one to talk to. I mean of course Arizona was there but Maya wouldn't like that I went to her first and they just started talking to each other. I really need to confront the situation.

Later that night Maya and I finally talked. It was the most difficult conversation I have ever had. I couldn't get one sentence out without crying. Maya was different than I thought she would be. She just held me and said it was okay that it wasn't my fault; these things happen. I honestly expected her to be angry and blame me; I know I did, but it was the complete opposite. Just like it always has. She was so comforting and reassuring. I didn't want her to ever let go. I hadn't really cried about it since that time at the doctor's office but as soon as I felt Maya's chest pressed against my face I couldn't control it anymore. I cried for hours; Maya just held me the whole time until I fell asleep.

I've been so alone lately, It's like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can hear. I know I've always told Maya to let me deal with things on my own unless I ask for help but what she doesn't know is that I need her now more than ever. A child that once grew inside me is no longer there... How the hell am I supposed to just let that go. I feel like I'm about to explode! I've tried to be happy but all I can do is pretend. I wish the earth would just swallow me whole."Time heals all wounds" Yeah right! Nothing can help. I've tried everything. I even signed Maya and I up for a dance class and have jam packed my day so I have minimal amount of time to think about what is going on but even like that as soon as I stop it all comes back. All the anger and disappointment I haven't been able to shake.I feel clueless an emotion I thought I would never experience. It's been weeks and Maya and I are still on a one word basis. Yesterday we sat through a whole dinner with my brother and maybe looked at each other once. I think my marriage is falling apart.

I finally broke down this morning. Just burst out screaming and crying in the middle of the street. Never has something so pathetic and embarrassing ever felt so amazing. It has been two months since I miscarried, Teddy and I went out for breakfast and our waitress was pregnant- as pregnant as I would have been- I didn't want to look at her, but I couldn't look away. She had just entered that noticeably pregnant stage, a couple of weeks after you look like you've simply let yourself go and a month or two before the waddle. She looked so happy in her pregnancy. My heart began to race and my insides shredded themselves into confetti, "when are you due?" asked Teddy, and the woman said, "November." She smiled at the blond, and her cheeks flushed.

I got up, "I just remembered something that I had to do back at the hospital!" I managed to say, "But Carina," I ran out to the street to hyperventilate.  Almost instantly I felt the tears begin to roll down my face.  I ran for a while before I dropped to my knees and just rocked back and forth as I hyperventilated. I couldn't stop it ... I had lost all control. I couldn't breathe. I felt the world was just caving around me. What was happening? I was supposed to be over this, to be able to live with it, but those constant reminders were just not letting me be. Every time my eyes landed on any mom to be, or the door to the half finished nursery that sat across the hall from my bedroom I felt my chest tighten. I couldn't breathe. It was like I would never be able to catch my breath.

I sat on the curb for a minute trying to get my breathing to even out. Nothing was working. I picked up my phone,

"M-Maya?" I cried.

"Carina? What's wrong?" I could hear the worry in her voice.

"C-can you p-pick me up, p-please?" I said between sobs.

"Yes, where are you?" I heard Maya's car come to life before I could even begin to formulate my answer. I looked around for a minute trying to figure out where I was. I had left the restaurant and just started running in a random direction leaving me clueless as to where I was.

"Baby? Are you there?" Maya asked.

"Ummm yes sorry. I'm at the corner of 5th and Market." I sat waiting for Maya, still unable to stop the tears from rolling down my face. It took Maya all of five minutes to get to where I was. She jumped out of the car and ran over to me still sitting on the curb hyperventilating. I was angry at myself for not being able to move past this. I am an OB for crying out loud! There's absolutely no way I could do my job if I spiraled into a panic attack every time I saw a pregnant woman.

"Carina? Carina?!" yelled Maya, "I need you to look me right in the eyes.... okay......now breathe with me..." I began breathing at the same pace as her, staring into the deep blue eyes sitting in front of me. It seemed to work. I no longer had that burning crushing sensation in my chest. Maya sat with me holding me tight against her chest until we heard a tiny voice from behind us.

"Hi," it said. We both turned around only to be greeted by the smiling face of a brown hair blue eyed boy. He was wearing a tiny red t-shirt that read St. James' Home for Boys. He held a yellow dandelion toward me and said, "hope you feel better," before running off to rejoin his group.

a/n: please leave comments. I want to know what you think and what you would like to see happen. Also, i know this is a heavy story but i promise it will start to get happier soon!