I was her little secret.
I remember the first time we locked eyes. 6th grade, Mr.Harpers math class. We only got closer since then.
For awhile I thought she was ashamed of me.
Ashamed of the things we did behind closed doors.
Ashamed that I was the one that could make her shake and tingle, and be the one to make her cum and not him.
I was hurt.
People were more accepting nowadays but not our parents. She had her worries. A lot.
The news didn't help constantly showing stories gay couples being hate crimed.
She didn't want that to be her she claimed.
But I knew she really meant me.
She didn't want that to be me.
She was the preachers daughter and had a reputation to up hold she claimed.
Sweet little Onika.
I knew her true worry.
She was worried what her farther would do to me if he found out the way I touch his little girl.
She was worried for me, for herself too but mainly for me.
It hurt me even more to realize I was the cause of her constant anxiety.
I remember our first kiss. Christmas Eve under the mistletoe.
Cliche right?
It didn't feel like it. Her lips were soft, her gloss stuck to my lips as we moved together in sync. We were 16 then. I remember the way she stared me in slight worry after. But I brushed her hair back and connected our foreheads together.
I knew touch was her love language.
I knew it was calm her down from the upcoming panic attack she was about to have.
She hugged me after.
We pretended like it didn't happen for awhile. I watched her cheer for the football team, while I watched from the side of the bleachers. I watched that asshole footplayer touch her.
That should be me right?
I deserved it. I was the one who took care of her and checked on her when she was sick.
I knew why we had to hide, didn't hurt any less.
I watched her. I couldn't stop watching her she was a beauty really.
Everything that she did she put beauty into it.
I was hurt. I felt wounded almost. But everytime she flashed me that smile I felt all my wounds heal in an instant. There was just something about her that had my angry and stand offish demeanor whipped away.
She went to college. Made something of herself. We still talked, or at least tried to. She was busy with school I was too. We drifted apart.
I went to school out of state, I would miss my mom and sister but I knew the world had something out there for me.
I worked hard, I didn't party because I remembered Onika said I should focus on school when I get into college.
Funny I was still taking her advice huh?
I messed with other girls, even tried guys again but no one made me feel the way she did.
No one was as soft as her.
No one made my heart skip a beat like she could.
I became a bussiness woman. I worked hard, and I guess it paid off.
"You'll make it in the world Bey I know you will." Echoed in my thoughts.
How dare she? How dare she still occupy my brain.
I'm an adult now. I'm 32 now. I'm young and was able to do all of this I should go to parties, get drunk, have a one night stand.
So I did.
I still wasn't satisfied.
Ive spent constant nights groaning, having fits, almost destroying my condo I paid too much for.
I still couldn't find happinesses.
I remember when I saw her again.
I thought I didn't get enough sleep last night, I was missing her so much that I was having hallucinations?
But no, It was her.
She looked up from the coffee table and looked around. Could she sense my eyes on her? She was always good with that.
We finally locked eyes.
She dont remember you Giselle.
You were just an experience for her to tell to her kids later on. "Mommy kissed a girl once."
Her eyes locked with mine. And she dropped whatever she had in her hands with a gasp.
"Beyonce?" She asked.
She remembered me.
"Onika." I said.
She gestured her hand for me to come over and I immediately followed.
We talked until I heard a small voice.
"You're my mommy's friend?" I turned my head around slowly. It was a little girl.
She had a kid.
She had sex with someone, and produced this beautiful little girl.
"I used to be." I said just stating in amazement. I always knew Onikas children would look beautiful.
I just planned them to be with me.
She had a ring on her finger. She got married.
She gave me a wave and a long hug before leaving the store. Hand and hand with the little girl.
That could've been me.
That could've been me Onika.
Why couldn't it be me?
As I walk away, I still remember and smile.
I was her dirty little secret.
