Christianity Unraveled

February 10th, 2020

Some days it feels easier to believe in nothing.

It feels easier to believe in nothing, because if there were nothing out there I can blame society or evolution and the like for the blatant injustice in the world. But if I believe in a God, then it seems that I must accept that the God is either not powerful or not loving.

It feels easier to believe in nothing, because if there were nothing after death, just constant non-existence without consciousness, then I have nothing to fear except for living a life without meaning. But if I believe in a God, then it seems that I must live in constant fear of the afterlife and if I've chosen the right way.

And even so, it's hard to believe in nothing. It is hard to believe that this is all there is. It is hard to believe that no divine presence exists when I've seen or heard of experiences or miracles that cannot be explained by science.

Is this what being agnostic feels like? I have problems identifying what exactly I think about my current belief label. At this point, I don't know if I have a label – Christian-fluid, perhaps? There are days when it is harder to believe in nothing, and those are the days that I consider myself a believer in God. There are days when it is easier to believe in nothing, and those are the days when I am either in an atheistic rut or in an agnostic indifference.

Then there are days when I try to be all three at the same time.

I go to church and talk with my friends, and then I am a Christian. I go home and reflect on the sermon and the worship, and then I am agnostic. I try to sleep and the questions and doubts don't leave my mind, and then I am an atheist. And yet, at that same time that I feel as though I cannot believe, I tell myself that I do – whether that is out of desperation for it to be true or for fire insurance in case I die in my sleep, I know not.

Is this what my life is meant to be? A constant unknown of what I believe?

Some days, it is easier to believe in nothing. Today, it is easier to be indifferent and hope for the best. Tomorrow or tonight? Perhaps that time shall be different. Only time shall tell.