Christianity Unraveled

October 30th, 2019

I have been feeling as though I am becoming more and more selfish each day that I exist.

There was a time last year where so many people told me that I was one of the most selfless persons they knew, and that they could see the joy of God just radiating through my being. And now? I feel as though everything that I have been doing is just so inherently selfish.

And I really do hate that. I just don't know how to stop it from happening.

For instance, today I realized that I have been spending so much time in my room just alienating myself from my residents since I don't particularly want to interact with them. Granted, I don't particularly want to interact with many people anymore. I just kind of want to keep to myself and be alone with my thoughts. Or, I have been considering my needs above other people's, and not really caring about it. It feels excessive, and yet I have no idea how to change. I also find myself talking much more often instead of gracefully and joyfully lending a listening ear to others.

I also realized that I am increasing in judgment of others. For instance, I was talking with Andrew last night, and I was ranting about how I was annoyed with how people chalked so many things up to "spiritual warfare" and the "demonic forces." In it, I was not graceful with my thoughts toward others, but, being his wonderful self, he gently reminded me that we can't discount the experiences of other people. Judging what someone believes and experiences is, in essence, judging who they are. Perhaps I need to continue to remind myself of this.

Additionally, I don't think I was really aware of how vast my judgmental nature is. I think of myself typically of as someone who is accepting and inclusive. So when did this acceptance and inclusion lead to me bitterly judging those who do not share the same inclusive view as I do? I find within myself bubbles of confined rage as people talk about "loving the sinner and hating the sin" and about Biblically-defined gender roles not being demeaning for women or for people in the GSRM community. I could say that this judgment is a holy desire for justice, and yet the people I am judging could say that of themselves as well. And thus, I don't believe that considering myself "more enlightened to the truth" is helping any.

I suppose I am just confused. Why does it feel as though I am losing the good aspects that I thought were part of myself? It feels as though I have less joy, more judgment, less patience, more anger, less hope, and more bitterness. And many Christians could say that this is evidence of the Holy Spirit no longer being an integral part of my life.

And I suppose that would also be true. I haven't been reading the Bible. I haven't been praying. I haven't been seeking out Christian community. I haven't been wanting to worship. I haven't done anything that is typically thought of as helping God become more present in my life. But more than that, I haven't been wanting it.

And maybe that is it. Maybe, as I would have considered it before this year, my heart is becoming so hard toward God that he can no longer reach me. That I am choosing to turn from him. That my doctrinal beliefs are becoming so far out that I am just another lost and wandering 'Christian,' a person akin to those who go out and party each weekend and then go to church on Sunday (oh, how great those sins are!). Just another person unrepentant of their sin.

I find it hard to bring myself personally to believe this, though. Maybe it is actually due to me not mediating upon good things and reading constantly of the kindness of Jesus. Maybe it's me just being constantly stressed with school, work, meetings, and extra-curricular activities (also graduate and job applications).

But perhaps, just maybe, all of this existed beforehand. And I was just too blind to see it.

If Jesus is the Truth and if Jesus opens the eyes of the blind, then maybe my pursuit of the truth is allowing my eyes to be opened. Maybe I'm finally understanding my sinful nature, though I still have a difficult time wrapping my head around that doctrine. More than that, though, I guess I thought that what I would see after my eyes were opened would be more marvelous than ugly.

Then again, the man had to wash the mud off his eyes before he could truly see the beauty of the world.