ℂ𝕠𝕟𝕗𝕚𝕕𝕖𝕟𝕥 - 𝔸𝕤𝕙𝕒𝕞𝕖𝕕 𝕀𝕀 // 𝐌𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐮𝐧𝐠

17 ⚠️

Jisung had just put Jaeho to bed and went into his own room. He hadn't seen Minho at all the rest of the night. He couldn't help but be worried. He wanted to go check in on him, but he didn't want to be a bother. He went ahead and just lightly knocked on the older's door. 

"Come in." Jisung opened the door slowly and saw a sad, sleepy Minho laying on the bed. 

"I just wanted to check in, see how you were doing," Jisung explained, walking to him. 

"I've been better." He said, softly. Jisung gently rubbed the hair off of Minho's forehead and continued to rub his hair. The older leaned into the touch.  

"Do you need anything?" He shook his head. "I'll be in the shower if you need me, alright? Don't hesitate to ask me for literally anything."

"Okay, Sungie." Jisung smiled at the older for a second before leaving and grabbing clothes to put on after his shower. He entered the bathroom and started the water. He sat on the toilet seat for a minute, letting the water get hot before he got in. Soon, that minute turned into 5 which turned into 10. He couldn't stop the guilt of ruining a relationship hit him. If he never reconnected with the two of them, they'd still be happily together now. Hell, if he never moved in with Minho they'd still be happily together. He knew that Minho said he wasn't upset with Jaeho, but that didn't stop it from making him feel even worse than he already did. Minho should've been the one to tell Chan, not Jaeho. 

TW: Depression, Self-Harm, Blood, Mentions of Suicide⚠️

All I ever do is make things worse. If I never stepped back into his life, he'd be so much happier than he is now. I'm such a burden on him. I move into his apartment and then ruin his relationship. I took stability away from my son by leaving his dad and not having a place of my own to turn to. I lied to Eric and Chan and hurt both of them. I'm a burden on Felix and Changbin all the time. They only hang out with me because they feel bad I'm such a fuck-up. There's so much wrong with me. Why am I such a waste of space? Everyone would be happier if I wasn't there to fuck their life up. I should just go through with what I was too scared to do in high school. I was too much of a coward to do it before, but I'm not gonna keep hurting everyone around me

Jisung looked in the cabinet behind the mirror and pulled out the box of razor blades. So we meet again. Jisung laughed bitterly as he pulled one out of the packaging. He grazed his finger down the blade, drawing blood to his fingertip. He set it down on the counter before pulling his shirt over his head. He stared down at the scars on his hips. It's been so long, they just look like stretch-marks at this point. He picked the razor blade up off the counter and pressed it against his skin, slowly dragging it against the old scars, reopening them. He made a few marks on each side, letting the blood slowly trickle down each of his sides. 

When he used to do this in high school, he would be sobbing and weeping uncontrollably, but now he just felt nothing. He was scaring himself. He didn't know how he could feel so numb emotionally. He cleaned the blade and put it back into the box, not wanting Minho to find out. He finally got into the shower and cleaned himself, feeling the water burn his open cuts, but he deserved it. Or at least he thought he did. He got dressed and went to his bedroom to lay down. Of course, I was too much of a coward again. One day, I'm going to fucking man up and just end it. I hope it's soon so they don't have to suffer anymore. He was starting to fall asleep when his door swung open aggressively. 

"Han Jisung," Minho said with a scolding tone. He stormed over the Jisung and lifted the younger's shirt, staring at his hips. He started to tear up at the sight. "Goddammit, Jisung." Minho hugged the younger and cried into his shoulder. 

"H-how did you know?" 

"Cause you didn't clean the fucking counter." 

"Please don't be mad at me, hyung," Jisung said, finally starting to have his emotions hit him.

"I'm not mad at you, Jisung, I'm just so damn worried. Why? Why would you do it again? You were clean for 5 whole fucking years. What made you do it again?" 

"Because I just fuck everything up." Jisung let out a loud sob. " I ruined your relationship. I ruined my own relationship. My son practically doesn't have another parent anymore. I'm a fucking burden to you and Changbin and Felix. I lied to Eric and Chan and hurt them. I'm just such a fuck-up. Why wouldn't I want to hurt myself? It's what I deserve." 

"No, you don't, Jisung. You are amazing. People make mistakes sometimes, but that doesn't mean you're a fuck-up. We fell in love when we weren't supposed to and accidentally hurt those around us. It wasn't like you're trying to upset people, are you?" Jisung shook his head. "Exactly. You're a wonderful person. And you're a great father for Jaeho. You care so fucking much about him. Do you really want to just leave him here? Miss all of his birthdays? His graduation? His wedding? Your grandkids? Do you want to just miss all of that, Ji?" 

"No." He shook his head, sobbing. 

"You deserve to see all the important moment's in Jaeho's life. Don't miss out on it because of one small mistake that we both made. And Felix and Changbin love you. They really do. You are their best friend. When me and Changbin hang out, do you know how kindly both of them talk about you? They love you, Ji. They would be so so so heartbroken if you left them." Jisung nodded, trying to take in everything Minho was saying. "And your mom. God, your mom, Sungie. What would she do if she didn't have you? You're all she has, you said it yourself. Do you want to just leave her all alone?" He shook his head. "And me. I love you. Jisung, I love you so fucking much. I can't handle losing you again. I need you. So much. I am so in love with you it's so hard to even fathom loving somebody as much as I love you. You are the most important person to me. You are my number 1. I need you." 

"I'm so sorry, Min." Jisung cried into Minho's shoulder. 

"Don't apologize. I'm not saying all of this to make you feel guilty. I want you to understand that no matter what goes on in that head of yours, so many people care about you and love you and couldn't deal with life without you in it. We all need you. Me, Changbin, Felix, and Jaeho need you." 

"Thank you." 

"If you ever need to talk to me, please do it. If you ever feel like this, tell me. Or if you don't want to talk to me, talk to Felix or Changbin, or even get a damn therapist. Just don't sit alone with these thoughts. You are too amazing and wonderful and beautiful and kind and funny and loveable to feel this way about yourself. You are worth it. Do you understand?" Jisung nodded. "Say it. I want to hear you say it." 

"I'm worth it." He whispered. 

"Damn straight." They both lightly laughed amid the tears. 

"I love you, too, Minho. I really do. Thank you." 

"I'm always here for you, Jisung. Don't ever hesitate from coming to talk to me." 

"I won't. I promise." Minho held out his pinky. Jisung smiled but wrapped his pinky around Minho's confirming the pinky promise. 

"It's kinda late, Ji. You should get some sleep." 

"But we haven't eaten dinner yet." He pouted. 

"Are you hungry?" He nodded. "Wanna order a pizza?" Jisung smiled and quickly grabbed his phone. 

I've literally never made myself cry with my writing before but holy shit, this got me. I want anybody who reads this to know that they are worth it. No matter what shit you might be going through, it will get better eventually. Please, if you're thinking of ever hurting yourself, don't. It's not worth it. Even if you may feel alone, I can guarantee there is at least one person that loves you and cares for you. I love each and every one of you and I hope you never feel like this because YOU ARE WORTH IT.