Sucker (ON HOLD/INCOMPLETE)

7: Cold as Ice

I recently went to a Foreigner concert (masked and vaxxed, of course) and this song immediately stood out to me for this chapter.

Song: "Cold as Ice" by Foreigner

_____

Sang

Conversation with Phil weighing heavily on my mind, I turned my attention to my next journey of the day.

Visiting Kota.

Phil had given me his address. He would be staying with his mother until his apartment got sorted.

My mind flashed with the details of his family which he'd shared with me over our five months together. His sister, Jessica, was nineteen or so, living at home while she attended the College of Charleston. She was studying biochemistry minors in history and something related to writing. Kota was incredibly proud of his brilliant kid sister, especially proud she followed in his footsteps. Erica, his mother, was a nurse. I wondered now if she worked at the Academy hospital. It certainly would make sense, given that she had raised nine Academy dogs. She had been the mother figure to his group of friends, I knew, despite how rare it was that he talked about them.

I turned onto the street and was flooded with an onslaught of memories of the year before the Academy found me, flashes of showers and lemon juice with vinegar and rice biting into my knees. Had Kota really been so close through it all?

I shook the thought away and pulled into the drive, praying that he would be home. The house was inviting, warm—certainly unlike any childhood home I had.

I wrung my fingers, then got out of the car. I knocked at the door. A girl who I could only describe as the female version of Kota answered, her eyes lighting up as she took me in. She grabbed at my hands and pulled me through the door. I reeled from the shock of contact and numbly followed.

"You must be Sang! Kota has told us so much about you. You're even prettier in person. And so tiny! I mean, he said you were short, but I had no clue..."

Jessica rambled on, oblivious to the way I shifted awkwardly away, the way my cheeks darkened.

"And I've never seen him so in love! He never really dated when he lived here, and after he left, it never seemed serious. But then he met you, and suddenly he couldn't stop gushing."

My heart nearly pounded out of my chest as a wave of guilt washed over me yet again. Guilt was quickly becoming my best friend. How could I leave him like that?

How could I leave him at all?

I swallowed thickly as a sharp voice cut through Jessica's oblivious ramblings. "Jess, that's enough." The blush on his cheeks was dark enough to rival mine. He made eye contact with me for just a moment, then quickly glanced away. "Follow me, Sang."

My feet shuffled as I followed him up a set of stairs. I became mesmerized by the sight in front of me.

Kota's teenage room.

It was him in all the ways it wasn't. Perfectly orderly with books throughout—the copies I knew he'd left when he moved. Yet it nearly seemed spartan compared to his apartment in Seattle, the home he'd built for himself.

The place I'd begun to consider home.

My mouth twisted as I tried to focus. It was no time for me to get distracted.

He removed his glasses and rubbed at his face. His voice was helpless, a far cry from the strong man to whom I'd become accustomed. "Why are you here?"

I took a deep breath to try to steady myself. My voice still came out weak. "I want to explain."

He put his glasses on then turned toward me. I sucked a deep breath at the pain in his expression. "Explain what? Why you left without a word? Why you threw away everything we had? Why you couldn't say a fucking goodbye?"

I flinched. Kota never swore. My shoulders slumped and I collapsed into the desk chair.

"All of the above?" I took a deep breath, then squared my shoulders, daring to meet his eyes.

"I entered the Academy when I was seventeen. They rescued me from that gray house, just over there." I pointed out the window and laughed mirthlessly. "Just barely.

"I was a ghost, an asset." I made finger-quotes around the word. "But I was... I was pretty messed up." I shook my head. "I've explained some of it to you, but it goes a lot deeper. I was pretty badly abused, Kota."

He nodded slightly, his cold exterior melting imperceptibly. "I always suspected. I kept waiting for you to tell me, but... I suspected."

My brow furrowed as I frowned. "I still find it really hard to talk about. How does one explain that?" I cleared my throat. "I couldn't make prolonged contact with women. It took eighteen months to make enough progress that they could send me on the kinds of missions ghosts go on, and then they sort of threw me into the deep end. My first long job, they sent me to New York, alone."

He sucked in a breath, and I continued. "My only loyalty was to the Academy, as stupid as it sounds. I had no team, no family—save for Mrs. Rose. And when you don't have family, the Academy will always be there, right? All I had was the Academy." I looked at him pleadingly, begging him to understand.

I wasn't sure I understood anymore.

"I go where they send me. When I get called away, it's unlikely I ever get to return. The only place I've ever been back to is Charleston, and I don't consider that home."

He interrupted. "We could've made it work."

I frowned at him, my eyes welling. I angrily shoved a tear away with my finger. "We couldn't have. Long distance rarely works, especially for two people as busy as us."

"I would've followed you anywhere."

I shook my head. "And leave behind the job you love? I would never take you away from the life you built for yourself."

He moved deliberately forward, gripping at my hands. "Don't you get it?" He asked angrily. "I love you more than that. I'd leave it all for you. Everything."

His hands found my face and he pulled me forward, slamming his mouth against mine. My tears fell freely now as I gripped at his shirt, his neck, the hair at his nape. Everything was Kota. Our kiss was filled with anguish, all the pain of the past week flowing between us.

I found my sense and pulled back regretfully. I whispered softly, "Life just doesn't work like that."

I stood and straightened my clothes. "I can't be with you, Kota. Especially now that we're on this mission together."

"Why not? We'd still be together if we were in Seattle, wouldn't we? What's different about Charleston?"

I picked at my lip. "We're working together now, and with three other men I dated. So many tensions could rise between the team. And what if it didn't work out between us and we broke up in the middle of the mission?" I wiped at my eyes, then straightened my shoulders. "No. We need to be professional."

Kota collapsed on the bed, and I fought my every urge to fall beside him, to wrap my arms around him and pretend like everything was fine. "So, what? You want me to pretend like everything is fine and like... like the last five months didn't happen?"

My lips twisted. "I don't know what else to do. This mission is more important than our feelings."

He nodded slowly. "Fine. For the mission.

"But afterward, I'm taking you back."