Nemo Resideo

Part 4

The bullpen was still empty and cast in gloomy darkness by the time Jay made his agonizing trip up the stairs, the only light coming from the dim lamps lining the street outside the building and the artificial ceiling lights in the back hallway. Guilt instantly crept back in as the thought crossed his mind that the team was apparently still out in the freezing cold working the scene. Maybe he should have joined them there after all, despite Erin telling him to meet them in the precinct instead. Not that it would have changed much about his current predicament. These days it really didn't matter what he did; it would be wrong either way and he had the funny feeling that this was incontrovertibly one of those cases where he'd be damned if he did and damned if he didn't.

With a heavy sigh Halstead stumbled his way into the open space office, clutching onto walls and furniture within easy reach for support. Dizziness swept over him when he finally reached his cubicle. He felt a bit like he was on a ship out on the high sea during a thunderstorm, tossed around and slapped by stiff gales and boisterous waves – a grotesquely accurate description of what his life felt like right now if he thought about it.

Leaning on his desk, he wanted nothing more than to sit down and rest for a moment, but with the team still out, he was too anxious and guilty to give in to the need, knowing if he did, he wouldn't be able to get up again. And if he didn't get up again, his coworkers would put it down to him being lazy. He had to prove though that he wasn't lazy, that he was both willing and capable of doing his fucking job even with the injuries plaguing him. So far, he didn't know yet how he was going to convince them of that, but he would find a way, no matter the cost. He always did, right?

Jay turned on the small lamp on his desk and granted himself no more than ten seconds of a reprieve, then pushed himself off the sturdy table and staggered his way to the breakroom to get the first pot of coffee started. It was the least he could do after leaving them all hanging. Supply them with the high doses of caffeine that were required to get them through what would likely be one of those long ass days that left them all exhausted and craving for a good night's sleep. Maybe, just maybe it would help him get back on their good side, too. Though, as soon as that last thought entered his mind, the detective shook his head and berated himself for it, realizing just how stupid, how naïve it was for him to hope that brewing coffee for them all would erase all his recent slip-ups or for them to consider him a valuable member of their team. Wishful thinking, that's what it was, nothing more.

Muffled voices and thudding boots carried up the stairs and pulled him from his self-deprecating spiral. Simultaneously, the coffee maker gurgled and sputtered its final drops into the glass pot. From the corner of his right eye, Jay caught a glimpse of familiar wavy shoulder-length golden hair in the distance as it bounced in sync with its owner's footsteps. Grabbing a clean mug from the dishrack, he poured some of the dark-brown sludge and stirred a splash of sugar into it, just the way he knew his partner liked it. "Hey," he greeted her when she walked up to him, his voice soft and rueful as he timidly glanced up at her through his lashes. His mouth twitched in the saddest excuse of a smile as he handed her the mug. It was his way of a peace offering. "Erin," he started, licking his lips, "I'm sorry I didn't..."

But the rest of his attempted apology caught in his throat when his partner merely snorted derisively and rolled her eyes before she snatched the beverage from his outstretched hand with a little more force than necessary. Unwilling to listen to anything he had to say to her, she spun around on her heels and stalked back out of the kitchenette without a single word. Even after reading Lindsay's less than friendly text messages, the fact that she didn't even deign to look at him stung a lot more than he would like to admit. He really had pissed her off, hadn't he? He huffed to himself in condemnation as he racked up yet another failure to add to the ever-growing collection.