Anguished

2.

'Honeyyyyy, your children are hungry,' mom shouted again.

'Coming, I need a hand,' dad said and I got up and helped him bring the dishes to the dining area.

Dad knew me well. In the morning, I had mentioned to him how my sinuses are reoccurring these days and he prepared a delicious sizzler with boiled cauliflower and my favorite oyster mushroom dumplings.  It smelled delicious and I took a spoon to grab the noodles of the sizzler first.

'This is good dad', my brother mentioned.

'Thanks'

'What's up with your college?', dad asked brother.

'Final exams in a week.'

'Did you hear the news?' mom asked when I had just taken my first bite.

I wanted to avoid this topic but mom had different plans. But I remembered what he told me five years ago. Once when I was eating my lunch in the school cafeteria, one of my girlfriends had mentioned how terrible the last night accident was. I interrupted her saying,' Not now dear, I will lose my appetite.' He took my hands, came, and whispered in my ears, 'If you think if you are going to fail, accelerate hard!' I could not keep running away from what fears were circling and overshadowing all my emotions. I had to face it.

'Why what happened?'

'They banned the girls from secondary education. I hope they would get on a flight far away from there.'

(*********)

A far land away from where I lived. Everything changed from the moment I stepped on the airplane. I left my everything behind. I left my mother forever, left my childhood to be forgotten, let my education take a new turn, and lost my identity. To be accepted in a so-called better place, I had to let go of who I was.

This place is nothing like home. I could not see the mountains or the rivers, only tall buildings where I could never reach. The road was big but paved all black, unlike home, you couldn't smell the flowers while walking. The skies were filled with noises from aircraft, running cars, and the steps of thousands of people walking the street, hardly you would hear a bird sing.

The sky was clear most of the time but for me, it was always dark. People here are locked up in their screens and rooms like prisoners and even if I bumped into hundreds of people on the street, they wouldn't know me unlike at home.

Here, I am different. They tell me I am different. I am not born where they were. I don't know what they speak. I dress up differently and I am expected never to step out of the boundaries set for me.

I can't go to school, they don't speak what I know. I can't talk with any male, the moment I step my foot outside my house. Even when I go out, unlike the other women I see, I am covered. Sometimes I wonder, do they not know I can see them and I can see their eyes. I don't know why they are frightened of me, I don't even have control of even my own decisions, my own dreams.

I don't have any friends here. I can't hang out with friends. I still can't pursue the dream that is holding me to survive. I can't see the moon or any stars when I lay my back on the cold hard floor.

'Dad, I want to go to school as my brother does.'

'What's the use? Do you speak what they speak?'

'I can learn. Brother did.'

'Shut up and bring me a cup of tea. We might live in a different place but we are nothing like the people living here.'

Sometimes I think, maybe I should have never stepped on that airplane. I would still have my identity when I left.

I did try to bring my lost senses back recalling how he mentioned, 'Even when your knees drop to your ground, it won't matter. Be strong, it isn't buried yet. You still have a chance. Even when you fall hard on the ground, you need to pick yourself up. Nature was designed this way. Scream, shout but get up. And honey, what others say should never matter. You never give someone the authority to be in control of your emotions. Don't give a ughh.'

I tried to smile remembering him but it seemed like the universe was writing a different story for me.

'Cover yourself completely the boy's family is coming to see you.' mom said.

'I am 20.'

'Don't act as if everything changed once you landed here. We are still the same people.'

'Mom, a week ago, my friend was murdered by her own husband, I am scared.'

'She couldn't deliver the son, it was her fault too.'

I didn't want my fate to end like anyone of them, not like my friend who was murdered, who is going through labor, or my mother. I wanted to live, I wanted to play my piano, I wanted to read my books, I wanted to listen to the music on my cassette player and I longed to see the stars, but everything is falling and I can't control it. It's wrong but I can't help, I am scared and anxious.

(**************)

'Is the noodle raw?' dad asked.

I trembled as I was lost in my thoughts. 'No dad, it's delicious. Thank you.'

'Are your headaches okay?' he asked.

'I said to you close the windows, the curtains, replace the piano with a heater, warm your room, and sleep, you never listen to me,' mom said.

'I use the electric blanket, it is warm.'

'It just makes your mattress warm not the air...' I interrupted mom, 'No, there is no way, I am replacing my piano. It's my first love. It is not going anywhere.'

'Okay, whatever. But keep yourself warm.'

I thought the discussion had ended but as our family dinner, the dinner, the conversation mom started didn't seem to end.

'Mom, don't you think, it would be better if they were born in a different geographic location?' my brother asked.

(*****)

(Next part- 3)

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[A woman is no man- Etaf Rum]