Anguished

3.

'Would it have been different if it was some other parts of the world?' I asked myself the question. Thousands of words, voices, and images came across my mind and I was left shaken. I was hungry and I didn't want to lose my appetite thinking over these things over dinner.

'I don't want to go over this now', I said to myself but couldn't stop as my parents joined my brother in the discussion.

'It's scary that's all I can say.' mom said.

'Scary??' my brother asked.

'She meant even if the places change, there was no guarantee and still isn't, you can't simply conclude someone is in a better place?', dad said.

'But won't it be better if they could get an education and have a voice?' he asked.

'Is it! But it's inhumane to compare whose struggle is better,' mom said.

Mom's word was heavy. I can't tell I am in a better place than someone else saying I have my books and she doesn't. We both deserve an education, we all deserve to have things we love and I can't be happy thinking she isn't getting to do what she wants but I can. When her rights are violated, even I get scared, even my heart cries.

All these took me to the moment to take me to the tracks of the railway where I was walking with him when he had mentioned, 'He thinks being like me, will make him cool, strong and even someone worthy to look after for motivation. But I am not anything like what he thinks. I have a mask when I meet him which makes him look only at the good side but I know everything will change once I remove it. I don't know whether he will like the real me or not, but the persona I am wearing is not all me.'

But now it was not that I was wearing a mask and she wasn't, we both were. Her was dark whereas mine were filled with glitters, that's what everyone thought and so did I. But as we removed it, our shadows were the same.

I had always been grateful for the love I have been showered with but not contented knowing she isn't. Mom was right.

'But mom, sometimes don't you think everything would have been different if you were somewhere else?'

(**********)

How come I am different was always strolling in my head. I was born in the place city, same hospital, and the same floor. We lived in the same neighborhood, we go to the same school, speak the same language, but still, I am different.

My parent's never told me the difference but they did tell me 'We are different' and the others they didn't say, but their eyes could tell. I was nothing like them, they made me believe it.

He would tell me,' There is nothing wrong with me. It's the society that has a judgy eye and keeps the label. You are beautiful and nothing can change that.' This did help me to go through my pre-school and high school. He being beside me helped me walk past the nails laid on my path.

But things changed because I was still different. I still wore different clothes, I talked a different language at home and we celebrated different customs. My complexion was different, my skin was different, and what went inside my home was different.

My last days of high school are approaching and unlike the previous year, this year I am quite happy, but I have been left in thoughts after reading about slavery which lasted for more than a century. 'Man how can people be so vicious', I said t myself.

One of my classmates got into a university, taking business study as her major. The rest are still deciding and so am I. I still have a month to go, and I am planning to apply to pursue higher education as a lawyer.

I reach home with thoughts about when to apply for the universities, which to apply and where I plan to settle but something else was waiting for me which I had clue about.

'Choose from any one of these and dress decently from now onwards', mom said scattering ten polaroid pictures of ten different men who all seemed to be at least ten years older than me.

'I don't want to,' I said.

'Listen just because you get to be born here and study here doesn't mean you forget your roots.' dad said.

'Where on the earth does any root forbid from making me from taking my decision?' I asked myself. A week ago one of my close friends was murdered by her own parents because she chose to walk on the journey she set for herself, and now I was left speechless. It was my own parents turning into a devil in my eyes.

I want to study. I love my books. I have dreams. I have a plan. I have a vision. They knew this better than anyone else and still, they were the ones working to break it. I gathered some courage to say 'I want to become a lawyer!'

I never thought one day, I had to fear the ones who brought me here.

'It's of no use.' my mom said.

I stood there still without any words trying to process what just happened. I wish it was all a dream, but my heart is pumping fast ever than before and I feel cramps throughout my body.

(********)

My body was slightly taken.

'Where are you lost???' my brother asked.

'Again K-dramas? Make sure you sleep well.' mom said.

I didn't want to explain to her what was going in my head as it all was a mess. I just nodded my head. I leaned forward to get the dumplings.

'Mom, I get the struggle comparison portion you are talking about but what about the pain? Isn't it different?' my brother asked.

(*****)

[Fighting forced marriages and honor-based abuse |Jasvinder Sanghere | TEDxGoteborg]

(*****)

(Next part 4)