Anguished

6.

'Does he ever have to be scared of things I am scared of?'

I didn't ask him. I felt I knew the answer. He is scared for me, he is scared for mom, he is scared for some other girl whom he might not even know, but he knows well, he doesn't have to live with the fear of him being the victim of all these.

'It is a phase, it shall pass by', mom mentioned.

'In our times it was easy. Graduation was near to post-doctoral degree, everything would settle on its own.' dad said.

'The market is huge and competitive now,' mom continued on,' but keep going.' She turned to me and said,' Two years and we will be saying this to you.'

'I know. It is tough but if it were, for now, I would still love to wear the graduation hat,' I said.

Everyone laughed. I did, but I faked it.

I was in a different world.

(*******)

'Did someone fail to mention you, you can't do it?'

'Do you not understand? It's not your cup of tea!'

'You? You will be doing this? Can you?'

'Isn't this manly enough? Can you handle it?'

'A girl here? Did you get into the right stream?'

The questions pondering around never left me alone. It followed me wherever I went. It was annoying and painful. Even before I got into the field, I heard about the difficulties but today facing it opened my reality to a new dimension I was yet left to experience.

I was too pretty. I was too pretty to understand the subject and it wasn't expected for me to do better than the boys in my class and excel at the subject. They always mentioned I wasn't suited for it. Sometimes I wondered why didn't they mention what gender they wanted when I filled up my application, but now it's too late.

No, it is not easy. It was never easy. But I wanted to study. I wanted to learn. I wanted to work. But I have always been pushed aside not because I don't try enough but because someone like me was something they never wanted to be accepted here.

Even when I try hard, I get scared. I remember the last time I was trying to build on some academic network, someone tried to hit me. I was opening up, I was being respectful, I was being polite, I wanted to learn from the experienced of what it is like but all the person saw was someone who would be pretty enough to be in his bedroom.

What a shame!

If I am not pretty, If I am not dumb, I am too nerdy, and  I am that someone they never want to be near. They make you feel guilty, for not being pretty enough, for not having that face, for not having that body, and not having the class to be able to have fun with them.

Unlike my brother, it didn't matter if I studied harder, worked harder, and tried to build up my network, even in all those I was surrounded by fear. Not the fear of not working hard or not being able to catch up with the desired result, but the fear of being judged and being exploited.

Scared if I studied too hard, worked too hard, they going to term me as the nerdy one with only books and would want to exclude me everywhere and I would be left alone. I didn't study hard, then well, daddy's little girl thinks her head would burst if she gave a little attention to her books.

Frightened if I spend time on building my network, the flirty one, the slut one, and if I don't, how will I ever excel? How will I excel if I can never build a network? How will I move ahead if I don't know which people to contact?

It's a scary world. The grades or the job dignity seems nothing towards the socially inhuman unacceptable normalized rules  I was to be aware of every time I take a step.

Sometimes I wanted to ask my brother,' The grades on your grade sheet and the recommendation letters are the only things you are tensed of, aren't you?' But I never did. I knew the answer. We all know the answer.

One day, after blocking two numbers on my contact list, I rushed into his arms and cried. 'I am scared. I want to try hard but I can't. People are waiting to defame me or exploit me. I can't live with this fear. I am scared.'

He embraced me tight with his right arm and stroked my back lightly with his left arm and told me,' There are times when you get sound full of unfamiliarity, the pain gets worse, even your sleep gets disturbed, you want to leave it all and you feel getting dumped in the cold lake with ice covering every inch with no escape. Love, it's okay.

No matter what they say, no matter what they try to do, just keep jumping into your path and follow it. Your pain and your voice are real, no matter how thick the ice is, spring will come and melt it all away.'

All these years, his words have been comforting me. His words have given me strength. There are countless other women who have paved this path for me. Every time I remember his words, I wipe my tears and keep walking ahead.

(**********)

'One piece of advice, learn about and meet people. Built-up network. Get out of your room.' my brother said.

I smiled at him and said, 'Thanks.'

How badly I wanted to mention to him about things inside my head, my appetite was lost but I was still hungry.

'Eat quickly. It's getting cold. We'll talk later.' mom said.

(****)

[ Inspiring the next generation of female engineers |Debbie Sterling| TEDxPSU ]

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(Next part-7)

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