Anguished

5.

'They know it, don't they? Should I tell them what I am thinking, 'I said to myself.

It was deep and I didn't know where I should start from. It was not something I could complain to my parents and they could change. It would only end up in discussion. In the end, we would only have stated our problems, and the problems weren't new. My mom knew it, My dad knew did and so did my brother.

I didn't want to talk about it until I accepted the problems were prevailing, is right in front of us and we were living normalizing it. I was shocked, saddened, scared and angry but I couldn't run away. I had to face it and acknowledge it.

Once I was sitting alone in the cafeteria since I was down due to my bad grades. He came to me, pulled my hand and brought it to his lips, kissed it, and said to me,' Open your closed eye, I will take you to a new world. It is not always easy, you are never encountered with only the things you want, but you shouldn't get down with this. You know you can mix the colors in the palette and pick your filter.'

He then put took my other hand and put it on my heart and went on,' How do you feel? Is the heartbeat getting faster or is it at its pace? Do you feel a bit different? Girl, you have your chance. I can be your Genie, tell me what you want?' 'I don't want to have the thoughts about my grades, take it away.'

'Let's talk about some good things and have our dinner first,' I said putting another dumpling in my mouth.

(*******)

Why is everything so different from him? Are we both meant to be different? The colors, the clothes, the toys, and how mom and dad treat us, why is it all different?

Every time I cry, dad picks me up, swings me in his arms, and tells me,' Hushh baby everything is fine.' But he doesn't do that to my brother. Every time he cries, he just asks him,' Why are you crying like a girl?' Why is it okay when I cry, and but not when my brother does?

Is it because they love me more? But I can't be happy if they don't love my brother the same. I want to tell dad,' I get sad when I see my brother cry. Please pick him up and swing him in your arms as you do to me.'

I am playing with the car my mother bought for us. My brother snatched it from me. I wanted it too. We started fighting. He pushed me and I fell to the ground and started crying. My mother was with her friend at that time. She came to me lifted me up and put me on her lap. She said to her friend, 'She is emotional. He kinda compresses it.'

I am emotional. Aren't we all? Isn't my brother emotional as well? He gets angry. He actually gets angry very quickly, but is anger not an emotion, or is it okay for him to get angry but why is it not okay for me to cry?

Mom doesn't mind if I wear my brother's clothes but why can't he wear mine? I was confused and today I asked my mom ,' Mammaa why can't he wear my clothes?' 'It's girl clothes.' that's all she said.

We are twins. We shared the same womb but I didn't know why it is unacceptable for him to wear my clothes. 'Girl clothes, Boy clothes? Who separated it.' I thought to myself. But I think there is. His clothes are comfortable, loose, and have pockets. Mine don't. It's tight, I can't show them doing a backflip and I can't even hide my chocolates.

Even our toys are not the same. They give him an uncomfortable eye when he plays with my doll or cuddles it when he sleeps but they keep buying me every time I hold one when we go shopping. When I play with his legos or car, they ask me to leave it and play with my dolls, 'It's not for you. You can't play like him.' How do they know? They don't even let me try. Why?

Why are we both so different? The wall on his side is blue and painted with cars but mine is pink with a tiara. Mom and dad read us bedtime stories, and even our stories are different. Brother's stories were about how the superhero saved the whole world from bad people but mine was about waiting for my prince charming to come and save me.

Why? Why can only he defeat the bad people, overcome the fear of being defeated, is strong, and can change the world and save everyone but I have to wait for someone even just to save myself? Why am I the peak one, when we try WWE on our mattress, I knock my brother down every time, and still why do they assume, he is stronger than me?

During thunderstorms, dad or mom come to our room, cuddle and sleep with me but they leave my brother unattended, why? Last time, when the lightning struck, he screamed and came to my side, held my hands, and slept beside me.

Why is everyone assuming things? Can't they see we both are the same? Why are they raising us so differently?

(*******)

'It's been a minute you have been chewing on that dumpling.' dad said.

'You didn't sleep last night, did you? ' mom said.

'I did. I was just thinking about how 2 years from now I will be giving my final exams like brother.' I lied.

'It's not a cup of tea to be excited for.' my brother said.

'I know..but still.'

'Everyone is excited about their graduation but not for the responsibilities that come after it.' my mom laughed.

'I am scared.' my brother said.

His words struck my mind, 'You pick your filter. The way you see the world is different and it's different in everyone's eye.'

'How come what I am frightened of is so different and the responsibilities which come after graduation seem nothing in front of it.' I said to myself. 'Does he ever have to be scared of things I am scared of?'

(*****)

[Happily ever after-why Disney Princesses are more successful than me| Carolyn Ours| TED XTJHSST]

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(Next part-6)

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