Anguished

4.

'Painnn,' my mom left a small laugh.

'It's a heavy word son', she said.

She continued,' I had unbearable pain when giving birth to you both but the pain is different in the case for women.'

'Different in sense?' my brother's curiosity was at its peak. His questions never seemed to end and neither did my thoughts.

'Women are not in pain. They are scared. They are angry. And that's the pain they are living with.' mom said.

'Frightened and Angry?' my brother asked.

'Anguished, to sum it all up,' dad said, patting on his back.

'At what times do you feel such emotions mom', he asked.

'Always. I think it's something we are living with,' she replied.

'You want to cry out loud, and break someone's neck but smile and be quiet at the same time?' he asked.

With a long pause, she said,' Yes....'

Her answer was painful and I could sense the pain even in my brother's and father's eyes. They didn't have to live with it, but still, they were a part of it. Still, it burned their heart, still, it even frightened them and still, it made them angry.

'Don't you think it's amazing how we never imagine what pain the sun must be going through because we always see it shining and beaming light? You say I calm you down, make you smile, encourage you to get lively, but you know I am not always the same. I had so much trouble at the beginning on whether I should tell this to you or not, but I thought I should let you know.

There are times I am not hopeful, I get despair as you do. But when you call me your hope, your sunshine, I don't want to let you down and I try to shine, just to see you smile.' He said this to me when we sat on the top of the mountain to look over the sunrise during the hike last August.

That moment when he said those words to me, I simply put my arms around his neck, nodded my head, and planted a kiss on his forehead but today when mom simply said 'Yes', I finally understood what he was saying.

Haven't we all been putting on a glitter mask and faking that smile just because we don't want someone to worry about us? Wasn't it what I was doing now? Me trying to hide all my emotions and tears behind while my parents and brothers were discussing a nerve-wracking topic about women?

This was not the first time. A lot of times, I tried and did run away when these things came up because I couldn't gather the courage to acknowledge it. I would ask my friends to divert the topic, cross the chrome site, ignore the news and sometimes even close a book. I haven't had the courage to again pick a book about a woman I read because all the emotions overflow.

I am doing the same today. Trying to get distracted from their conversations by trying to remember him and by trying to dig into the taste of the food dad cooked for us.

But nothing was working.

(*******)

I didn't want to but I had no choice. Sometimes I feel my mother felt the same way when she heard I was coming or maybe my dad didn't want to welcome me at all. Maybe I have been a burden since I came into her womb. They didn't even want me then.

Was I a more troubler than my brothers since I came into my mother's womb or will bring me to the world be more painful than my brothers? All I knew was it was the same pain. When I brought my children out of my body, my daughter didn't hurt me more, but everyone assumed she was the bitter one.

I was scared for her. Will she have to go through the things I went through or will the world change? Does she have to settle for what comes in her way or it will be different than mine? Can she follow the path she has for herself or someone else has already written it down for her? I didn't have answers to this question. But one thing was I didn't love her less.

I wanted her. But her to be grandmother and dad didn't. Her grandmother wanted a little one like her son not like me or her daughters. She kept checking my belly, hoping it not be one of us, hoping it would be someone different.

I checked. I didn't want to see any dissatisfaction on their faces neither mine. But both weren't possible. It was me, and I couldn't let her come out. I booked the next appointment and faded goodbye forever hoping next time it won't be her.

(*******)

'What if I was never born?' this question wandered in my mind. What if my father didn't want me and he wanted a son just like my brother? What if grandma wanted a grandson? What if my mother didn't want me to go through the troubles she went through and had erased me before I even existed?

I flinched a bit when my brother shook my hands,' Hey, you feel the same as mom?'

I couldn't be honest. There were things unsettled in my mind and I didn't want to open up without settling my emotions. I would burst out. I nodded my head and lied. 'Nah.. I have never thought about it so deeply. I don't give my energy.'

That was the biggest lie I ever mentioned. We all feel it whether we want it or not. We all feel it whether it happened to us or not. I ignored it all and again started cutting the sizzler.

'If you want to, you can talk about it,' mom patted my back and smile.

She knew I had lied. But she didn't mention it nor forced me.

'Any story? Anything, we'll be there okay?' dad mentioned.

'They know it, don't they? Should I tell them what I am thinking, 'I said to myself. 'Would everything have been different if they didn't want me?'

(******)

(Kim Ji Young, Born in 1982-Cho Nam-Joo)

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(Next part-5)

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