If I Had You

Chapter I

Tauriel POV

The day was unusually tense. The air seemed to be dripping with it, in fact. True, given previous circumstances one might consider our current situation to be a time of peace. Mirkwood -along with the rest of middle earth- was at last free of the threat of Mordor and its demonic rulers. I should've been out celebrating, happily enjoying the sweet presence of serenity. Everyone else seemed to be in a gleeful, cherry mood. And why shouldn't I join them in their celebrations? My home was at last safe, thanks to bitter-sweet glimpses from my past protecting our realm. It just made sense to be happy. Perhaps I was too stubborn to allow myself to be happy,

Maybe the tension was all in my head.

I stood up suddenly, sighing. My legs and arms had grown stiff after the hour I'd spent sitting and waiting for my uneasy tempor to pass. I stretch, shifting my hair back with a quick flick of my wrist. I allow myself to stretch for a moment, and relax as I feel my body release the tension within it. However, while my body sighed with relief, my mind was still in a state of solemnity. I take a second to close my eyes and try and distract myself. I breath, in and out, and banish the horrid tension from my mind.

Tauriel

I hear my named whispered and immediately snap my eyes open. The voice is only audible to me as it emanates from my memory. The single word sounds as if it's been rattled off from lungs without breath, as if the owner of the voice had just stopped at the end of a long run. Or as if the person was talking their last breath. That alone disturbs me enough to send a short signal of shivers throughout my body. Too make matters worse, it's not just any voice, it's his voice.

His voice.

Don't let yourself think of him! I chide myself. He was gone, never to return. He'd been lost to me a long time ago, and there was nothing I could ever do about it.

He was gone.

I needed to move past him.

He was gone.

And even if he hadn't left the living, we'd still be separated. We were from two different worlds set on two different paths. I'd only had the pleasure of meeting him due to the rare and short eclipsing of our voyages. His kin wouldn't let me near him, even if we had simultaneously succeeded on that battle field so far away. There was no way we could've been together. He was lost to me before we had even met. I try to find some logical comfort in this.

Tauriel

"Silence!" I scream, my heart rate accelerating at unhealthy rates. I throw my fists down, my calm composure suddenly gone and melting into one of fury. The tension within me suddenly snapped, breaking a painful aftermath.

"Oh, Kili," I murmur. My knees suddenly give out and I collapse into a fetal position. Unlike previous breakdowns, only a few tears manifested. For that, I was thankful. I wanted to avoid the red eyes and whimpering features that accompanied a full out loss to my emotions. I lean my head between my legs and allow myself five minutes to pull myself together. For decades I'd been successfully masking the pain I'd been feeling. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I dove into my work. Keeping Mirkwood safe is what kept me going. Arresting dishonorable elves with villainous motives, keeping tabs on orcs, laketown, the rest of the guard, it distracted me. But every once in a while the desperation broke through my mask.

However, I wasn't broken at random, no, something usually caused it, and this instance was no exception.

Today Mirkwood had been visited by a company of unknown elves, dwarves, and humans looking for shelter. We had welcomed them cautiously, but as they walked through our gates and into our city my mind couldn't help but draw the parallels between these newcomers and Thorin's party from so long ago. Despite how irrational it was, I couldn't help fearing what they might do to me...if they would hurt me somehow like Kili's death did. Kili... No. I told myself. You are stronger than this. Snap out of it.