Devils Den

4

I guess I had fallen asleep in the library while Ren and Felix finished up their talks because when I woke up, the two were gone.

The library was bright, and my head pounding for the first time in the past week. I ignored it, hoping it will go away on its own just like it usually did. I debated whether to head back to the main room or to stay here in the large library where I'll most likely stay occupied, while if I went to the main room, I'd be bored and fall asleep.

The decision to stay was an easy pick. I still had a stack of books that Ren had picked out for me that I needed to read. I remember him telling me he'd question me in a few days about the said books.

I sat up, a small groan escaping my lips, my headache becoming worse once doing so. A random book that I have never seen before was open on the small coffee table across from me, flipped open to a page, some of the words underlined. The book was placed in front of where Felix sat earlier, a pen beside the book.

Reaching for the book, I read the underlined quote out loud in a small whisper.

"He wished someone would tell him that he was still a full human being despite his feelings; that there was nothing wrong with who he was. Surely there was someone, someone in the world who felt as he did?"

My eyebrows etched together as I read the page. I closed the book–my thumb still in between the pages so I didn't lose where Felix left off–reading the title.

'A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara.'

The book was thick, Felix had a quarter of the book left to finish. I looked to the side of the sofa where a small table was and looked through the drawer for a bookmark. Finding more than a dozen, I picked one and placed it in between the pages, sliding the book back where I found it.

I couldn't help but think if that's what Felix is feeling right now; If having feelings for the same gender makes him something other than a human being, if loving the same gender means something is wrong with him.

I could ask him, of course, however, I've only been here a week and I feel like asking would be an invasion of privacy.

Shaking my head, I grabbed a book that lie on top of Ren's pile. It's a hardcover book, the sleeve of the book had been taken off, the actual cover of the book a plain midnight blue color, not even the title was imprinted on the side.

The first few pages were empty until the book dedication was written down.

"All my life, I imagined this is how our life would've been...if we were allowed to be together; To my love, Marcus Fletcher."

I don't know how long I've been sitting in the library reading, but I lay on the sofa hugging the book I had just finished to my chest, tears streaming down my face uncontrollably. I've never actually read before, being here in hell bored, gave me motivation you could say. It is silly a simple book could make me cry like this, I was never one for crying.

I opened the book back up to the last page, rereading the last line.

"If only you stayed a little longer, you'd find that people are starting to accept our kind...to accept our love."

My heart hurt for the writer and his lover, Marcus. I muffled my sobs, my hand over my mouth. I shook my head, I refused to believe Marcus died and the writer had to live aching for his presence.

"Are you okay...?" Ren's voice snapped me back into reality.

I wiped my tears quickly, but more poured out, my emotions were a mess. I was already crying about the book, now my other problems were making me cry. Why was I in hell? I know I'm a shit person but did I really kill someone?