How To Get a Boyfriend 101

1 : Sunday

How to Get a Boyfriend 101

Everything you need to know about
seducing guys in 101 easy steps that
may or may not repeat at some point.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I scan the front of the book, wondering if it can really end my 17-year streak of being single. Could I actually get a boyfriend with this? It doesn't seem likely, considering the cover has a girl's face on it, and the book seems generally marketed to girls. I scratch my head. Well...

I doubt that I'll find any better books for me—a teenage gay boy emerging into society—so I decide to take it.

The cashier, a guy with a name tag that reads, "Oliver," gives me a weird look when I present the book to him. "Is this for you?" he asks, an eyebrow raised. What is that supposed to mean?

I raise an eyebrow, pondering... "No, it's for my three-year-old sister." He looks up, confused. Good. Let him try to figure that out. I don't have a three-year-old-sister, but Mr. Oliver doesn't have to know that.

"Uh, that's sweet of you." He smiles fakely as he hands the book back to me, eyes empty. I bet he's been here far too many hours and is quite ready to go home. "Tell her I say good luck."

Good luck! Now, that's an interesting development—my nonexistent sister with a boyfriend? I reply with a very friendly "I sure will," because I know better than to tango with a tired cashier.

Super smart of me. I know, right?

I'm a genius.

Ha, fooled you. I'm just an average meme-loving, Australian-American guy... one who is quite desperate for love and attention.

But hey, aren't we all?

I eagerly open the book to the first chapter as I'm sitting on a bus, waiting for it to start moving. Although the walk from the school dorms to the bookstore isn't very far, I'd prefer to spend as little time in the harsh winter weather as possible. Just as I'm about to read the first line—the first step, I should say—my crush boards the bus.

Brilliant luck.

Inside, I imagine a scenario where I throw the book at Jason Crowe, yelling, "This is supposed to help me get you to be my boyfriend!" Then, by some miracle, he's also gay, and he's like, "Wow, thanks! Forget the 101 steps—let's skip all those and go straight to being boyfriends!"

And we march together toward the sunset, all living happily ever after.

Ha, fooled you again. I bet he doesn't even know I exist, much less that I've had this irritating crush on him for the last two or three years. It's been a long haul. My heart has a very one-track mind. Or, like, whatever the mind's equivalent in the heart is... which makes no sense, but whatever.

Jason sits down across from me, and an old woman bustles in after him. She and her Mini Doberman plop down in the seat next to me. The woman's heavy wool sweater rubs against my arm. I am sensitive to wool, so it is making me itchy. I hold back a face, staring at her dog. It stares back at me, and then at Jason Crowe, and then back at me, its head swinging back like spectators' at a tennis game. Does it see—or smell—something I don't?

The bus grunts as it drags itself into motion. I have about half an hour until we reach Misty Bay Academy, where I go to school. Misty Bay, the town in which I live, is relatively small, but the bus stops at nearly every street. It makes travel more of a chore than an accommodation, except when it's freezing outside.

Jason pulls out his phone, keying in a password that I'm slightly concerned I know, and scrolls through something. Probably our school's knockoff social media. I think it was designed in the fifteenth century, or something.

Just to be sneaky, I put How to Get a Boyfriend 101 aside and pull out my own phone, then I un-like and re-like his newest post. My skin wants to fall off, if only to avoid this wool sweater. Why is it so stiff? Jeez. Unfortunately, three seconds after re-liking the selfie, I realize that it's from last month, and it's probably going to scare him off.

Yay.

I sigh and put my phone back in my jacket pocket while shivering. This place is called Misty Bay, but that only truly applies to three seasons—in winter, it feels like "Crystal Bay" when all the mist crystalizes and sticks to my skin.

I open the book back up and find the first instructional page.

Step One: Make sure to like all of his social media posts! A guy's ego is one way to his heart, and if he notices that you seem to be keeping up with his life, he'll want to start keeping up with yours.

Huh. That's cool... looks like I've already done step one, in a roundabout way. I'm pretty sure the book is implying that I should be liking his recent posts, but... better late than never.

100 more of these steps to go, and then hopefully Jason will be my boyfriend.

Oh, who am I kidding?