𝐓𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠
𝙸𝚏 𝚊𝚗𝚢𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚒𝚜 𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚞𝚐𝚐𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝙸 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚊𝚕𝚠𝚊𝚢𝚜 𝚋𝚎 𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚝𝚊𝚕𝚔. 𝚁𝚎𝚖𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚛𝚎 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚊𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚎.
I sat at the table bouncing my knee without interruption.
Stupid stupid stupid.
"How did you end up in this situation?
You knew you couldn't get attached.
You knew it would end like this.
And if he finds out just one thing, you're dead.
Actually you will already be a dead girl walking if you eat".
This voice in my head was destroying me and I couldn't help but shed a few tears.
Luke comes back with the plates in his hands and puts them on the table.
I watch him fill my plate with 2 pancakes, 2 slices of bacon and an apple.
Okay, maybe I will be really dead.
More tears flowed from my eyes as I kept silent, completely emotionless.
But could Luke for ONCE not notice and leave me alone?
Of course not, what a question.
He sighs and puts his chair next to mine, at the head of the table, and sits down.
"I know it's a lot to endure. I don't expect you to eat all of this, but I'd really like you to eat as much as you can."
I keep staring at my food.
Was I hungry?
I no longer knew the answer.
The voices of John and my mom telling me I have to lose weight because I'm ugly haunt me.
Also, if I do, I'm screwed once I get home.
I can not eat.
"Hey" he takes my hand in his and squeezes it "we'll do it together, okay? We'll do one thing at a time, no rush, and we can talk. If you want, it would be very helpful if you talked about how you're feeling about this. "
I remain silent.
"Angry" I whisper as I continue to stare at my food.
He was relieved that I was talking.
"How come honey?" he asks politely, trying not to push me further.
"Because I'm hungry" I whisper angrily.
WHY THE HELL AM I TELLING HIM THIS?
Did those fucking painkillers drug me?
"But you know we're human and it's normal to be hungry? Just as it is normal to feel happy, sad, angry and even guilty" he says softly.
"You don't understand, I can't eat this"
"Food does not have to be an enemy. Your body is not your enemy. It does so much for you and the food ... it's as if it is its salary!
It needs it like you need oxygen.
This is not a bad thing.
Being hungry is not a bad thing and it doesn't make you a bad person" he tells me softly.
My body was not necessarily my enemy.
My parents were the ones who were making my body my enemy.
I listened carefully to every word.
He was good at talking.
Mom and John comment on my body a lot.
Sometimes, of course, I feel like eating because I feel like I'm dying. But still, I don't know what would happen if I were free to eat what I want. Would i be responsible? Or would I let their voices win over my head?
"Charlie? Charlie?" I didn't hear Luke calling me.
I sigh and take my fork, preparing myself for hell once I get home.
I take a small bite of pancake on my fork and stare at it.
"Stop thinking Charlie! You know you need it. This won't ruin your day. This won't make you gain weight, it will just give you the strength to face the day! You know you want it."
That voice was right.
I want this.
So shaking I bring the fork to my mouth and eat the first proper breakfast I have had in something like 8 years.
I feel Luke squiz my hand as I continue to eat the bite.
"It's delicious" I whisper.
"Well, thanks. I'm glad you like it" he smiles proudly.
I ate a pancake, a little little bite of bacon and almost half of the apple.
I was more than full.
My stomach ached to the point where I wanted to scream.
I think I'll throw up.
I put my fork down and lightly push the plate.
"I'm really full" I say honestly.
He look at my plate and sigh.
I disappointed him.
I can't do anything right.
"I'm sorry" I whisper.
He looks at me and his face softens as he lowers to my level.
"No, no no no Charlie, you have nothing to apologize for honey. I'm so proud of you, just a little worried. But we'll work on it and we will get this better, won't we?" he smiles at me encouraging me.
If I'm not dead.
I was surprisingly happy.
I felt he was really proud of me.
And so was I.
But at the same time I was angry because I am so confused.
We lay down on the sofa while he turned on the TV and asked me to choose a movie.
"I like Disney" I smile "Can we watch it?" I ask taking the movie "Moana".
"Of course we can! I love that movie too" he smiles broadly.
We were hugging but at some point I couldn't take it anymore, my stomach was killing me.
BUT OBVIOUSLY, Luke seems to notice my discomfort.
"Are you okay honey?" he asks.
"I don't know" I murmured.
I didn't know what to expect from him if I told him about my stomach.
I don't want any needles in me.
"Come on love, you can tell me" he chuckles softly.
"My stomach hurts ..... pretty bad" a tear escapes my eyes and I wipe it away quickly.
"Oh hun come here" he says hugging me "it's all normal. You're not used eating like this so your stomach has gotten smaller. Our job is to help it get back to its original shape!" he explains in simple words.
I like this aspect of him.
He always explains medical things in a way that even a child could understand.
It makes it less intimidating.
"Can I touch your tummy love? I promise it will make you feel better"
Therefore I nod.
I really wanted this pain to go away.
He started rubbing my belly and at first I was begging him to stop but he kept telling me it would be better later.
At this moment I didn't want him to stop.
It was so relaxing.
I felt like a toddler.
I think I fell asleep because the next thing I remember is that I woke up with my phone ringing.
Mom.
Shit.
"Hello-"
"You're in a lot of trouble young girl. If you're not here in 10 you'll regret being born"
And with that I was rushing out of Luke's house.
