Fantastic Breasts & Where To Find Them

The Albion Cultural Club

Newt Scamander stepped out of the Checker cab and handed the driver a crisp green twenty dollar bill.

"I don't have change for this!" the taxi driver growled.

Newt waved him away indifferently, "That's okay, keep it."

The driver's eyes opened wide at the bill in his hands. "Big mazuma, mister!"

Newt was careless with how much muggle money he was spending. Dean Ruthephus had sent him an owl with travel expenses, including several hundred dollars in funny green papers. While aboard the Trans-Atlantis, Newt passed an idle hour studying the strange bills. The unmoving portraits of wigged white men on them looked for all the world like wizards, and they contained cryptic runes and symbology and messages in Latin. But Newt couldn't make heads or tails of what they were worth.

The wizard took a look around the campus of Slonimb College, lit by a full moon and a few streetlamps. The young school was only a couple of years old, but it contained many beautiful Victorian buildings which had been repurposed for the new institution. A large mansion stood in the center of campus, flanked by stately houses converted into student lodging. He assumed the big central building must be Chesterhome. He had been invited there to meet with some of the English wizards and witches who worked at the Bronxvitch School of Witchcraft, which had been founded alongside - or rather, was concealed within - Slonimb College.

Newt ascended the stairs of the mansion and passed through the columns leading to the entryway. The foyer was lit by yellow electric lighting and was mostly empty except for two schoolgirls reading quietly at a desk.

"Excuse me, how do I get up to the seventh floor?" Newt asked as he approached them.

One of the girls, rather pretty with curly red hair, replied, "Seventh floor? Chesterhome doesn't have a seventh floor."

"Oh, right - terribly sorry." Newt backed away from the Muggle girls, the ginger giving him a queer look. The other girl was quite petite, with long brunette hair, dressed in an oversized sweater, and she gave him no notice. He placed his briefcase on an empty desk and rifled around inside for Dean Ruthephus' letter. He pulled out a tea kettle and turned around to see the redheaded girl still studying his odd behavior.

He put the kettle back in and took out an old black-and-white profile photograph of his girlfriend, Porpetina. The Daguerreotype smiled and arched her back at him. Newt pushed away a sad thought, tucked the photo next to a braided lock of her shock-white hair, and finally found the Dean's letter. It simply instructed him to meet them at the seventh floor meeting room on the evening of September 6th, 1922. Attached as a second page was a crude drawing of a busty demon, her eyes empty. He put the letter and the picture away and wandered down a corridor until he found a door leading to a stairway.

Exhausted from the day's travel, Newt climbed the six flights. At the top was a door labeled "RESTRICTED - ROOFTOP ACCESS." He pulled his wand out of his suit coat and whispered "Alohamora."

The door opened to a candle-lit hallway lined with oil paintings. Newt took his dress robes out of his briefcase and pulled them over the suit he had worn for the transatlantic journey. The hallway contained no doors, and the figures in the paintings watched him as he walked past, commenting to each other under their breath about the attractive visitor. At the end of the hall was a massive portrait of a girl about twenty years old. She was beautiful in an otherworldly way, her hair cropped in a fashionable bob. The painting was illuminated by flickering candles. A plaque identified her as "SADIE SLONIMB."

"Good evening, Miss Slonimb," Newt addressed the girl in the painting. "This wouldn't happen to be the seventh floor meeting room, would it?"

"Well, hotsy-totsy!" she replied. "The girls will be glad to see you arrive on campus. And an Englishman too! I'm sure they'll find your accent so distinguished!"