How do I Explain?

bad memories

Boom! Boom! Boom! It was my heart, beating, fast, and hard. It was protruding through my chest and exploding like the night sky on the Fourth of July. My thoughts were all thunderous and they were all dreadful. It was horrifying to go from happy at the movies to being lost. Lost within the sound of my heart exploding, overwhelming voices of panic, memories colliding with the present, and just one song that has memories tied to it blasting from the sea of speakers that surrounded me.  

    It was just a simple song in a movie right? Why did this song cause so much pain in every ounce of my body? Why did this song explode in my chest and stop my lungs in the process? Why was my body shaking? Why did I feel as if I was being turned inside out? Why was the past colliding with the present in my mind?  

    I knew the answer, it was simple to see looking back at it now. The young girl in the movie resembled my younger sister in so many ways. The long blonde wavy hair, tooth gaps, careless, happy, oblivious to her surroundings, and singing the same song I recall singing off key and out of tune with my sister. Not only was there a physical and personality resemblance, but she and her older sister were in the middle of chaos and her sister was failing to protect her just as I was years ago. Even though I had ideas about why I was panicking, I knew I was being extremely irrational. 

    “Breathe in, breathe out.” Those four words seem to be the words most often advised to me. Except for when I really need to remember how to breathe again. In the time of panic and disorder of your own mind, coping and calming down techniques are never apparent. It is as if the road to calming down is covered by a thick dense fog and the road is full of potholes and you're falling in them over and over again. 

    As the song continued it was as if my thoughts were skipping around to the beat of the song. Each strum of the guitar was a new voice of panic and disorder in my mind. The road to calming down became more and more full of potholes and the fog now had faces along with screams that seemed to fly at me. Part of me had given up and wanted to scream out in pain to the rhythm of my heart beat and drown out this beautiful but painful song. Part of me wanted to run. Not just to run, but to run away, and to run to my sisters. Part of me screamed louder and over that idea because I know that is impossible, something I can never do again. Part of me wanted to vomit as an excuse to leave this once a place of comfort, but now a place of horrible and immense struggling in my own mind. Part of me wanted to never move again, that part was stricken in fear of getting through this horrid road just to find a worse road or make a u-turn and be right back here. 

    Screams and cries plagued my mind. Dreadful memories full of screams I wish to forget. I heard myself screaming, my sister screaming, and many others screaming. Some screams were for help and some made me want to scream for help. The cries were mostly crying silently at night until I fell asleep. Some were the opposite. Some were the ear shattering screams and cries I made myself upon unbearable news. The feeling of screaming and screaming uncontrollably like my throat knew I would never scream again. All the power in my body gone, all of it down to the marrow of my bones was used to scream. The vivid memory of my body being useless and stuck on the blue bathroom floor while staring at the wolf painting with glaring yellow eyes.Was one of the many memories crashing around my mind. My body and mind were in two completely different places, no my mind was shattering into a million pieces and all of me was confused. My body was here in this chair, heart beating fast, shaking, sweat dripping down my face, my legs a non stop bounce and my hands a continuous tap to the rhythm of my heart, and the world blurring and doubling while also seeming to disappear. My mind in millions of pieces, the past and present screaming and fighting over what is real and fake and ultimately leaving me being dragged down the halls of my memories.

    Within all of the screaming, crying, confusion, and the beautiful but painful melody that would be stuck in my mind for the next week that were colliding in my mind. There was something strange within myself that came from somewhere unknown. Someplace different than everything else crashing through my mind and making me fall in the potholes. This was a voice that wasn't in pain. This voice knew I could get through this fog and make my way around the potholes. This voice spoke louder and clearer than the other voices. This was a helpful voice, this voice knows that being alive is great and a privilege to have. This voice knows I am lucky to be here with the people I have. This voice knows I am lucky to have the people I had before, even if they aren't here now. This voice knows that the good times are more important than unfortunate times. This voice knows that I will get through all my obstacles and is proud of me for getting through my past obstacles. This voice looks around and sees love and happiness. This voice is me.