Fading Lights: Sunrise | Herobrine x Redrare

Part 7: Understanding

For a long time I couldn't feel anything. Everything was really silent and dark. I couldn't move or breathe.
There was just this constant agony.
I tried to shut it out, but I couldn't. It was unbearable.
There I was for hours on end before I noticed that the pain was fading. A bit confused I tried to move, and even tho it was insanely hard, I finally managed to move my fingers.
That's when I could finally breathe again, even if it felt like someone shoved a tube down my throat.
It took me a bit longer until I could finally open my eyes and look around.
Well, not too much. Something actually was in my throat and it was irritating.
And the room was about as bright as the fucking sun.
I frowned weakly and tried to sit up, but I was too weak to do so. So I stayed still, just looking around once my eyes allowed me to open them far enough.
I was in some sort of hospital, hooked up to a ton of machines and IVs'. Seemingly I gave them a ton of problems...
I looked around some more, soon spotting a bag on a nearby chair. So Xander brought some clothes I assume.
Said man was nowhere to be seen tho.
I grew sad and went back to staring at the ceiling.
Even after this cry for help, he still isn't here. I should've known it was useless...
I felt like nothing of this would've changed anything, if I had killed myself, he'd probably just have moved on...
I made everything significantly harder for him, just because I'm selfish enough to think that my feelings are important to him.
I sniffed weakly and stared at the ceiling, something watery running down my cheeks and hitting the pillow.
Am I... Crying...?
No, no, I really shouldn't. I don't have a reason. Don't have the right to cry.
It's just selfish and stupid.
I didn't even look over when there was a knock on the door. I tried to stop myself from crying, so I just stared at the ceiling. I couldn't bite my own tongue after all.
The door opened and seemingly 2 people came inside, judging by the footsteps.
I assumed a nurse and a doctor.
"Oh, he's already awake!", the doctor mumbled, surprised. I glanced over, raising an eyebrow just the slightest bit. He saw my tears and looked at his papers. "I assume we can give you another dose of the painkillers.", he explained and looked through the papers. "You had a bunch of really deep cuts and managed to slit open both of your arteries. Be glad that your friend here brought you here so fast."
I frowned and looked over to said friend.
Xander.
I tested up and had to look away, unable to look into his eyes at any point. He had to be insanely disappointed. Maybe be also hated me. Maybe he just wanted me dead now.
I sniffled and gripped my blanket a bit. The doctor noticed the tension and just said: "I'll leave you two to it. A nurse will give you another dose of the painkillers later on." With that, he removed the tube since I was breathing just fine and left, leaving Xander and me alone.
Silence fell over the room. I couldn't look at him, and Xander just eyed me from head to toe.
Eventually he just asked a simple question.
"Why did you do that?"
His tone... There was no feeling in it. It was cold and completely empty... It scared me.
I could just shrug. My throat was sore and dry, now that the tube was gone. There was a bit of dried blood left, and I hated it.
Xander noticed and sighed, handing me the glass of water next to me. I sat up as much as I could, which wasn't too much but enough so I could drink a bit. Xander kept a hand on my back so I won't suddenly collapse.
Once I was done drinking he put the glass away and lied me back down.
"Okay. Can you now answer my question please?"
Still no emotion.
I sniffed a bit and glanced at the wall. "I-I...", I started, feeling that he was watching me.
I couldn't say it.
I couldn't admit that I did it for two reasons. One being that I had been depressed for a long time but was lying to others and myself so no one would realize, which worked partly since Nightmare knew since a while, the other reason was so pathetic that I genuinely didn't want to tell him. I can't just tell him that I felt lonely and decided to do that!
I fell silent, making him sigh disappointedly.
Oh no... This isn't good... He's not cold anymore...
"Jubilea, you know you can talk to me, right?"
Oh no, not again.
"We are together for a while now, and I'm not just a weak person, I can handle anything you put onto me."
I hated this. Please, don't continue, you don't know how much it hurts, I heard this too many times!
"So... You can just tell me. I won't judge you. I just want to hel-"
"Stop!"
He flinched a bit before falling silent. I was a mess. Crying and panting, covering my face with my hands.
I can't.
I can't handle this.
"Why are you all always this nice?! I was a total bastard towards all of you when we first met! Heck, I was a bastard before we even met! Nightmare killed me for that reason! Why can't you see how much this hurts me?!", I cried, trying to stop myself. But I couldn't anymore, I had broken at this point.
He watched before coming over and...
Hugging... Me....?
I froze a bit, staring at the wall at first. He had pulled me into a sitting position and was embracing me tightly, rubbing over my back. "Just tell me what's wrong. I'll listen, Jubilea.", he whispered.
I slowly hid in his shoulder and hugged him too, crying some more. He didn't mind, just gently petting my head and whispering sweet nothings into my ear.
I cried for good 2 hours, being a complete mess at the end. I barely calmed down, having a bit of a hic-up. I can't even tell when the last time was that I genuinely cried. Probably back when Greed was still a thing or something...
I hid in his shoulder some more, trying to take deep breaths to break my sobs. He stayed still all the time, nuzzling me. "If you aren't comfortable with it yet, you don't have to tell me. Just know I'll always be there to listen, no matter what.", he whispered.
And I agreed.