Questioning//BILLIE EILISH

10

Billie scoffs playfully and leans back in her seat, keeping our fingers intertwined as her legs fall open in a man spread.

I hold hands with Mia all the time.

Even though it's plenty normal for two girls to hold hands in a friendly way, I start to get nervous at this public display of affection. I mean Billie is a lesbian and all.

Does she like this? Like in a lesbian way? Like a gay way? What would that even mean?

I get too nervous, getting paranoid about the possible eyes on us, and drop her hand, placing mine back in my lap.

The teacher starts the lesson, and I start taking notes, making sure to pay as much attention as I can, knowing math does not come easily to me.

I feel a hand on my shoulder before Billie's minty breath crashes into my neck.

It must have been stinky so she used a mint. I sure am glad.

"I didn't mean to weird you out," her fingers gently brush against mine, "can I?"

I bite my lip slightly and lean into her ear this time, "Do you, you know, like it?" I whisper.

Billie stays silent for a moment before leaning back and looking at me with an unreadable expression. I cock an eyebrow and feel a lump well up in my throat.

No no no no, I've offended her. No, oh no. She looks so hurt. Say something. Say something. Say something!

She leans back in her seat and anxiously looks around the classroom before raising her hand.

"Yes, Ms. O'Connell?"

"Can I use the restroom please?"

"Yes, be quick please, we will be working with partners in a few minutes."

"Yes, Miss."

She gets up and walks behind my chair to leave. I sit, no longer focusing on the lesson, cursing myself for what I said. I don't know exactly what offended her, but I know she was hurt. She probably didn't want me to know the answer.

She likes it.

I like it.

...I like it.

I.. like it. I do. I mean, she gives me butterflies... and I blush when I'm near her, and she makes me nervous, but in the most wonderful way.

I like... her?

Oh my god.

"Dez, hunny? Will you answer the problem on the board?"

I blink out of my thoughts and gather my bearings for a few seconds, "Um, yes Miss."

I slowly step to the front of the classroom and look at the intimidating problem in front of me. My brain is completely fogged over and those fast, incoherent thoughts, are very much coherent now.

As I lift the dry-erase marker to the board, I'm thinking of anything but the problem.

I'm gay. I like Billie, I do. I like when she looks into my eyes and when she smirks at me and when she holds my hand and when she chuckles at me when I say something funny. I love watching her write in her journal and drive her car. Oh, I love watching her drive her car.

"Dez?"

My head snaps to the teacher, my eyes lost.

"Hun, why don't you go to the bathroom and gather yourself. Are you alright? Do you need someone to go with you?"

I shake my head, "No, I can go on my own."

She nods with a small smile and I leave the room. Instead of going to the bathroom, I stop right outside the door, staring at the floor in front of me.

I'm fucking gay. Oh my god, why? Why me? Why?..Why?

I take a shaky step forward, then another. And another. I keep taking steps, zombie-like in nature, staring at the floor.

"Dez?" I hear. I slowly look up and see Billie, presumably walking back from the bathroom.

I stare at her for a moment, trying to gather myself, so I don't cry when I speak, "I- I'm sorry."

Her brows slightly furrow, "For what you asked?"

I nod my head, the lump in my throat welling up again.

"Thank you for apologizing."

We stand still, not awkward, but still, until I speak again, "It's okay if you like it."

I feel butterflies course through me as she looks into me, concerned. "Can I ask why it matters to you? Why you care?" she asks softly.

I take a deep breath, "No... and you don't have to answer my question either, I just want you to know," I pause, "That I, uh, don't mind if you do like it.... So, I'm, uh, gonna go to the bathroom now."

Slowly, a smirk grows on her lips, "You do that, Princess." She walks past me and into the classroom, a soft chuckle leaving her lips.

Oh my god.

Knowing I like her is making that have so much more of an effect on me.

I like her.

Oh. my. god.

I keep walking to the bathroom and as I turn into another hallway, I almost bump into a teacher.

"Oh, hi, Mrs. Sprague."

My eyes glance down at her chest before they return to her eyes.

How come I never noticed I did that?

"Oh hello Dez. So nice to see you this year. How are your teachers treating you?"

I speak out of my ass, suddenly not good at small talk, "Oh, they're great, Miss. No one can compete with you though."

She smiles sweetly, "Thank you, Hun. Now I'll let you get back to class alright?"

"Heh, yeah. Thanks. See you 'round!"

She says her goodbye and I continue to the restroom, finally. I push the door, it squeaking slightly, and and step inside. I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing here. I don't have to actually use the facilities, I'm just sort of, here.

Ms. Huntington just said to go and gather myself or something. I look in the mirror, fixing my hair a little as I stare at myself.

You're gay.

I'm gay.

I take a deep breath and think to Brad.

I don't like him. I don't think, anyway. I definitely don't like him the way I like Billie. I think I like Billie? I must. Those have to be feelings. Brad gives me butterflies and makes me nervous in the bad way, but when Billie does it, it feels.. nice.

...Sweetheart.