Questioning//BILLIE EILISH

11

Brad gives me butterflies and makes me nervous in the bad way, but when Billie does it, it feels.. nice.

...Sweetheart.

I pace around the bathroom for a couple of minutes, peacefully gathering myself, until I realize that I should head back to class. Missing any school, even just a couple minutes of lecture, makes me nervous. I just know that anything I don't do in class, I'll have to do at home, and I hate homework.

I quickly make my way back to class, not able to stop thinking about my discovery that I'm... gay. I don't really want to stop either. Like, the longer I think, the more it makes sense.

That's why I could never choose a boyfriend, and why Billie makes me so nervous.

I stop in my tracks.. Billie.

I was a mess when I talked to her a minute ago and now I have to go sit next to her in class. I keep my steps moving forward and round the corner to my class, nervous to see Billie, and slightly excited.

I step into the classroom and everyone turns around to look at me. I don't usually get nervous at such things, but I start to worry if I look gay or whether they can tell what I'm thinking. I look to Billie, who's curiously watching me, wondering if she can tell what I'm thinking.

It sure as hell seems like she can.

I awkwardly step towards my desk and the teacher resumes her lecture as I take a seat. Billie doesn't acknowledge me with words, simply grasping my hand in hers as she writes. I find myself distracted by this display of affection, but make no move to stop it, simply taking time to think instead of pay attention, as I'm sure Billie wouldn't mind explaining some things to me after school.

I was going to invite her over again to work on the project today, but I find myself too nervous to bring it up for the time being. I honestly don't want to speak a word to her, I'm just so confused.

I know one thing: I like Billie. Having that thought in the back of my mind has amplified the butterflies and ever-darkened the redness of my cheeks.

However, I quickly decide that I will tell no one, not even Billie, of my new discovery about myself.

For the remainder of class, I obsess about my sexuality, more memories from childhood clicking into place the longer I think. When the bell rings, I jump slightly and blink away my thoughts, looking down at my blank notebook page.

Billie packs up her things and I just watch, my brain still clouded, and her demeanor enticing. As Billie finishes putting her stuff away, I finally go to put mine away as well.

"Hey, Dez?" Billie asks.

"Y-yeah?"

Goddamnit Dez. Get your shit together.

Billie smiles in amusement and speaks up while I put away my notebook, "Want to get together again today? I can help you with what we learned in class and we can work on the project some more."

The project... The book.

"Sure," I say shakily, thankfully avoiding another stutter.

We stand up from our seats and go our separate ways. By the time lunch rolls around, I have sufficiently gotten behind in every class. Gayness just took over my brain, so focusing was not an option.