Adventures of Funky Monkey

Starship Pooper Part 1

Have you ever mined a comet? Of course, you haven't, no one has. So when I saw the projection that Haley's comet was coming the closest it had ever been I set my course to intercept. I was making a living farming minerals on Luna but I would never get rich that way. Hell, I was barely making the payments on Mary Lou after they took the alimony from my check. She was old but ugly... I mean the ex-wife... all of them... apparently I had as bad taste in women as I did lawyers so after seven marriages that ended up in flames and seven lawyers I want to see in flames. I get to pay seven alimony checks now. Now you see Funky Monkey's predicament. When the chance to catch a comet and have a week of free mining for Exerrite came along I couldn't pass it up. It had nothing to do with the past due notices I had delivered daily on Luna for Mary Lou. Ok, maybe just a little.

See that's what brings me here, sitting behind bars with this ugly hairy green man, Bob. Honestly, I have no clue his name but Bob seems fitting. We shall forever call him bob. Let me tell you about Bob, he's- id say eight-foot-tall, and the hairiest thing I've ever seen. And the smell, my god the smell from him. Rotten eggs mixed with gasoline mixed with a dumpster fire. All in all, he's my only friend. We've gotten close the last few days and really bonded with each other. I can tell these things. Why, even last night I helped him sleep, who would have guessed how good of a pillow I'd make. I've told him my life story, starting with being born all the way up to mistaking an intergalactic spaceship for a comet. And the grunts. I think he understands me.

About this starship thing. I mean come on, it wasn't just Funky Monkey. The whole planet earth thought this was a comet. Turns out we were wrong. Who would have guessed? You know the big ball of fire flying on a set course appearing at the intervals over and over throughout our history. I think we missed that one by a mile. Let me reiterate, I decided to mine this "comet" so I landed on it planning my trajectory just perfect, right down to the millisecond. Smooth, gentle, crash landing. But I'm here and not gonna go back empty-handed, no sir. The trouble didn't start right away. A starship this size didn't even notice tiny, little ol' me. Space debris twice the size of Mary Lou hits and breaks apart every day. I could have cut my losses and disappointed my ex-wives some more, but nope I'm not one to give up on anything.

Where was I? Bob just released some toxic gas in here and caused my memory circuits to glitch. Oh yeah, so they didn't even notice little ol' me sitting there on the haul of their ship, that is until I fired up my drilling rig. Oh yeah, now I got their attention. Lord, the conversations they must have had when my drill breached the haul not a hundred meters from the captain's quarters. I even went as far as trying to plant some explosives in the hole bored. That was when I noticed something definitely wrong. Oh no. I'm trying to put stuff in this whole but stuff is flying at me. It was like it just wanted to give me all of its treasures from the deep. Then I saw the body. Yeah that right someone flew out of the whole. Oh no, that's right. Time to high tail it out there. But that soft landing hurt my poor Mary Lou and she refused to cooperate. Hell, I even apologized. That spaceship reminded me of my third ex-wife, I apologized for marrying the fourth wife but she still wouldn't cooperate with sharing me.

Well, that's when the doors opened and they hauled my ass and sweet MaryLou inside. They were gentle as could be expected when they ripped her doors off and drug me out by my left foot. Head bouncing down the stairs and all. I was the honored guest, they took me straight to the captain. He was a sight three-foot tall and round as a beach ball. I tried to explain myself, I mean it was just a mistake I thought this was a rock, not a ship. Oh, but he wasn't having it, all he did was kept singing the same song over and over. This song didn't have any words you see, just a melody and some screeching. But my keen sense and my ability to learn new tongues has now helped me to translate it. I think the words had to be, you fucked up and we're gonna feed you to Bob, la la la, dinner time for stinky bob. I'm pretty sure that's right.

They took me for dim-witted I believe, but with Funky Monkey's superior intelligence, I have made Bob my friend. The wonders contained in this head don't stop there, no way. Next, I devised myself a plan to escape this captivity and take over the ship. I know what your thinkin' and yes your right, genius. I have been called this by many great men but I don't like to brag.

Here was my plan: first off I befriend the guard, phase one. I already knew that they spoke in song so how hard can be. No one can sing as beautifully as Sir Michael Bolton, except, yeah you guessed it, yours truly. So I started them off slowly just trying to earn their trust.

"Goodbye Moe,

me gotta toe,

me oh my hoe,

son of a bun

we'll have big fun on the way hoe."

I got some fans with that one. One guard even left the room probably to get his friend to show them how talented I was. They must have been busy because someone else came back alone. Next, I broke out the big guns on them.

"Back and black hit my sack,

cant have no heart attack,

they been too long,

I'm glad they're not black.

Cut me loose from the booze,

That kept them hanging around."

I even showed them my best moves with me and air guitar, and let tell you, I can headbang like no one else. Hell far, I even had bob joining in. he started howling along, "ahhhoooooohhh, ahhhoooooh." I don't think he understood the headbanging you are supposed to do it to the air, not against the wall.