Adventures of Funky Monkey

Funky monkey rescues Bob

Funny how Chinese food makes you speak the language from the opposite hole when you return it to the toilet it came from. By the way someone forgot their snickers bar on the floor in there you want half? Well I didn't want to share anyways.

Where was I? Oh yeah, so I spent 10 years as the self appointed, unofficial ambassador of earth. After traveling for weeks on that comet slash intergalactic spaceship at speeds faster than light. I wasn't sure how The Funky Monkey was gonna get back to Luna so I could catch up on my alimony payments. I'm sure the ex's were really missing their checks.

I was 2 months into my trip to the tiny singing creatures homeworld when I noticed the ship start to slow and then stop. I had lived on what the food synthesizer could make. Turns out most everything I ordered by singing the Beatles was awful. It must have really liked my rendition of happy happy joy joy the leprechaun song, cause when I sang it the thing spit out some brown whiskey smelling concoction. Might I add it was some strong shit and makes the little monkey not want to wake up. I learned that the only thing halfway edible was from it was when I sang a Funky Money original, my sex is on fire about the time I got the clap from the change slot at a casino. It gave me what almost tasted like week old anchovy pizza.

So here I was still trapped and the ship that was coming to a stop. I had to get on my chief negotiator hat and work some of my famous magic. Let me say that I was a bit surprised when I opened the airlock and Bob's big hairy green cousins stood there. I think they took me for one of the midget aliens because before I had time to explain they had me gagged and tied up. I felt a bit silly since I didn't remember to get dressed before I let them in.

They spent some time searching the ship and I suppose since they found I was the only living thing on board they would question me. It took some time to learn the language, you see. Me and Bob had created our own language and they wouldn't understand. I started with a chimpanzee dialect I had perfected while I was a janitor at the Luna zoo.  It didn't work, they just looked at me confused. Funky monkey don't give up easily. I tried a few more less common tongues I knew. I almost think they understood the language of the pigeons. Just they didn't have the vocal ability to speak it back to me. All in all, sign language was the best means of communicating with primitive species like this.

I showed them the holding area where me and Bob had been kept and went on to demonstrate how I put on a show for all them little people. The leader of the big greens stopped me mid-song. I guess he was in a hurry to find Bob before something bad happened to him. They pulled me aside and to my surprise they knew how to look back on the cameras though the ship. They might have seen a few things they didn't want to during my alone time there. But hell, I didn't know they had cameras in some of these spots. Not that I had anything to be embarrassed about. It is only natural to experiment when you are alone in a new environment.

If I do say so, my performance for the tiny ones was amazing. I just wish they knew how to turn the sound up and slow down the video. After a few interesting minutes of searching they found the escape pod that had launched with Bob in it and tracked it to a nearby system. No big thing I could have done if they would have let me. I believe since they knew my dominance over the little aliens they decided I may be dangerous. They stuffed one of my socks in my mouth and I wish it would have been any one but that one. That one was only for a warmer since it got cold on lil' monkey.

So there I was, traveling as their secret weapon to rescue Bob from the clutches of the evil singing midgets. They didn't keep me tied up for long.  I guess they didn't have a brig on their ship so they locked me away in the bathroom. I was grateful since those synthesized anchovies did a number on me. They must have been worried about cross species diseases cause they kept coming by the room and spraying some chemicals at me, fogging up the whole room. I started to get hungry but my guard Beauregard, that's what I named him, was afraid their food would make me sick. He was reluctant to give me any at first but later he brought me something like crackers. It was a good thing too they dried up the anchovies and got my stomach back to almost normal.

We didn't land immediately when we found the evil midgets ship on a planet close by. These aliens used the Funky Monkey strategy to wait it out a bit and see what's happening. They devised a plan that was brilliant for such a primitive species. They strapped me into a small craft and tied the loudest set of speakers you've ever seen to it. I guess they knew my power of the evil ones with my superior singing abilities. Before they shot me off the surface they handed me a microphone and 4 meals of the anchovies. I wanted to tell them I wasn't a fan of the food but I didn't want to hurt their feelings.

Song choice to announce the return of King Funky Monkey was easy for someone like myself who knew every song ever written and could perform them better than the original. After I landed I scarfed down the last of my food and stepped out among the inferior midgets. The music started in my head as I announced my return. "Your Emperor Funky monkey is in tha house" they screamed and rushed my ship. I had to climb on top to avoid the crowd of fans. I've heard of singers not nearly as popular as The Funky Monkey Band being torn apart by adoring fans.

It was gonna be hard to compete with my last performance but I am always ready for a challenge. I started them off slow with a classic from my first self published album entitled "the logs in the toilet"

"Who let the logs out
eww eww eww eww
who let the logs out
ughhh ughhh ughhh awwwww"

I was overwhelmed at the response. I never saw so many screaming fans before in one spot. They had come out from every tiny little building. Someone behind me started shooting what looked to be flaming shirts over my head out into the crowd. Seemed dangerous but sometimes The Funky Monkey Band made people feel dangerous. I kept the groves going. With expectations high already from word getting around of the show on the ship I knew I had to be at the top of my game. I went this time with a crowd pleaser that would be easy for such low intelligence people to understand. Did i tell you my mouth harmonica skills would rival the best harmonica plays in the known universe and probably in the whole state of New Kantexico.

"If it hadn't been for a big ass hole
I wouldn't have got married a long time ago
Where did she come from, how did she know
Where did she come from, big arse hole

If it hadn't been for one eyed moe
I'd still be married to that hoe
Where did she come from how did she know
Where did she come from big arse hoe"

Now I'm not one to brag but I sounded like a bird whose  song carried on the light spring winds across a green meadow and in the window of a young virgin or vegan, same thing right?.  It was a beautiful love song I wrote for my 4th wife, Eliemoses. She was named after her great aunt that later became her uncle. Thinking of her up there in that stage almost brought a tear to my eyes. I couldn't bear to show my soft side to the fans.

The plan started to come together. While I had the attention of the crowds, Bob's hairy cousins landed behind him. I was the distraction you see. No one could distract like Funky Monkey. I couldn't let Bob down so the show had to go on. The little people were getting braver, probably trying to see who could get my autograph first. They were trying to rush the stage. It was all I could do to keep them under my spell. I decided as long as I kept singing I was safe. They used their itsy bitsy hands to cover their itsy bitsy ears . I've noticed this during shows before I assume it makes the vocals more clear. I had to keep going so I started in on another song to give Bob more time to escape.

"I guess that I don't need that hoe

Now your just some booty that I used to throw
Now your just some booty that I used to mow
Now your just some booty that I used to blow

Now and then I think off the time you bent me over
Had me believing it more than just paying for fun
I didn't have the cash to pay
Misunderstood the words you say
And I would catch the crabs come dawn
Somebody that I used to mow"

I entranced them with that one and not a sole there spoke as bobs ship lifted off into the air. There was magic in the air. My songs had yet again tamed the masses. I waited on the stage for the ship to pick me up but they must have decided it was too dangerous to land among all the tiny ones. I wasn't sure how they expected me to escape since I was dropped into the middle of the horde. But like always Funky Monkey would find a way

Be sure to click the like button for me. Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed. Lots more adventures to come.