weight loss diary (t.w.: e.d.)

!!! PLS READ !!!

well, how do i say this? ehmm im kinda desperate lol. alexa, pls start playing don't know what to do by bp
nah, imma stop the kidding, this is actually not funny, im sorry.
the thing is that its not the first time i feel like this. definitely not the first time. god i lost count a long time ago.
actually, i feel like this regularly, almost on a daily basis. and at this point it's starting to slowly kill me inside and i decided to finally try and fight against that. we all should. we shouldn't follow goddamn rules when it comes to our eating choices.

i don't wanna have to be jealous anymore everytime i watch a cute edited, delicious what i eat in a week of my fav youtubers because i know that ill never "be allowed" to try one of the shown meals.
i don't wanna be fuckin scared of christmas time cause that's when you bake a lot of sugary things and have big meals. damn, i've always loved winter. it was once my fav time and season of the year. now, i get freakin scared just by the thought of it...
i don't want to be scared of days where my best friend stays over longer than planned cause we're just having way too much fun because then we'd have to eat together.
i don't wanna have to worry about family or friends occasions anymore because i can't control what they give me to eat and it'd be sus if i didn't try anything.
like, it starts with my mom already. whenever she brings something home for me to try or of which she remembers that i always loved to eat it as a child and i refuse to do so now, she gives me that face. if you know, you know.
and it's those moments where i feel like, i should get out of this for her. not only for me, but for her. cause she never did anything but care for me. wouldn't it be the most disrespectful of me to waste my life like this. she didn't raise and feed me for 15 years for me to now treat my body as if it's worth nothing. the last thing i want is her to be worried or sad because of me. but that's exactly what i see in her eyes when she looks at me after refusing to have a piece of the cake she just baked.
she once even told me that she's afraid of the day im moving out because then nobody could check on what i eat or if i eat at all anymore :(
or even today: like ffs, it's the weekend and i should be able to just enjoy this time with my family and animals (and netlfix most importantly) and accept cake if dad brings one home after work instead of worrying about the total amount of calories i consumed today.
also, managing to drink enough every single day is often too much for me already lmao (can anybody relate? like pls just tell me im not alone with all of this).

tbh, im just so deeply disappointed and disgusted by our society. (ngl kpop industry does only make this like,,, 200 times worse for me since it makes us believe that's its the most normal thing to literally STARVE yourself in order to lose weight and look daebak for the next comeback...).
the world we're living in at some point made me think that wanting to weigh 46kg (just like half the kpop industry😍) came from myself and myself only. THATS FUCKIN BULLSHIT. if i would only take a minute to listen to my body it would tell me the opposite of that.
but STILL, at 167cm and 64kg, i feel fuckin fat, ugly and unworthy of any type of love or affection. i know that im overweight and need to lose weight... uhm yeah well what do u think have i been trying to do for the past few months now? I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO FUCKIN DO ANYMORE.
but hell, i also shouldn't stress myself more about what i eat than about school for example.

but, as im being completely honest here already, i also don't wanna keep this last (and probably most important) fact from you: i really wish i could back in time 7 months. back to where i was what you would consider as "skinny" and weighted only 52kg. back to where i liked the feeling of an empty and hurting stomach. back to where i had the fuckin discipline to eat the same shit every fuckin day for half a year. porridge for breakfast every fuckin day, raw vegetables and no carbs for lunch every fuckin day. and salad for dinner EVERY FUCKIN SINGLE DAY. no sugar, no fat, no salt, no animal products AT ALL (yes i did use being vegan as an excuse for eating nearly nothing).
pls don't get me wrong, i kno that those were the unhealthiest and worst 6 months of my life. and i haven't forgotten how i was freezing the whole freakin day and close to fainting every time i tried to get up after my daily ab workout (even tho i did drink more than enough back then). i completely ignored my body and the signals it was trying to give me. so trust me, deep down i know all that. yet i STILL want to go back. maybe im mentally ill or whatever. or maybe this is really just how far an eating disorder can drive you.
i honestly don't know if im ever gunna be able to get out of this mindset.
yk cuz it is all happening in my mind and in my mind only. but i just don't know how to stop it...
because i still feel disgusted by myself  after eating something that contains sugar. and i still wanna throw up and kill myself when i've eaten smth after 6:30pm. i still am hella far from being able to watch my fav performances without starting to cry because idk what to do to finally get as skinny as all the ppl i admire. but after thinking about this way too long now, i came to the conclusion that i don't want my whole life to be like this. and neither should u!

i want to LIVE. really, i do. but i just don't know how.

food is actually something beautiful.
and we should be able to enjoy every single thing we put into our bodies. because we deserve it.
life's too short and precious for any fucking rules, games or restrictions around something that's necessary for us to live.
and food can make life so much more beautiful.
why not let it?

p.s.: tenkyu for taking some of ur precious time to read this <3
i appreciate it more than lisa w/o bangs
love ya :) never forget that YOU'RE NOT FUCKIN ALONE! EVER!
bye *-*