Recover

'It didn't feel ok'

The dark had me enveloped within it and felt as if it had me so tight in its grasp I couldn't move. I could see only the silhouette of my hand which was inches from my face. The darkness brought a deathly silence and I daren't make a sound. The night was so still and empty. I tried to sit up but my body refused to function. It was out of my control. Fear had me paralysed. My whole body ached with tiredness but I couldn't let myself fall asleep. My face was stinging from the many salty tears it had endured running down it. I realised I was still gripping my tights which were halfway down my legs and ripped. I suddenly became aware that in his sleep he had moved closer to me. In one quick movement I turned and was sick on the floor. The tears started coming thick and fast again. I tried to be quiet and threw a pillow onto the mess on the carpet but panic rose quickly within me and I felt sick again. My chest hurt and felt as if a heavy weight had been placed on it and I couldn't breathe. I must have awoken him because light flooded the room. Blinking furiously I saw him using the en-suite and knew this was my only chance to get out of there.
I ran down to the kitchen filled with a surge of sudden adrenaline. I stormed out of his house and didn't stop running until I was sitting on the bus heading for home. Luckily, as I approached the bus stop, one was just pulling away despite it being the dead of night and I hopped on. My whole body was shaking violently. It wasn't until I noticed the people on the bus, few though there were, staring that I realised the extent of my appearance. I fished out my mirror from my bag that I had managed to grab on the way out and opened it up. My make up was smudged and smeared all over my clothes, and my hair looking like I'd been pulled through a hedge backwards. I looked down and saw my tights were still not pulled all the way up and they had holes in, my dress was creased and I could feel it remained unzipped at the back. I dropped my head into my lap and let more silent tears roll down my face. He'd not only taken my dignity but my confidence as well. Before I would have held my head high and not cared what people thought but now I just wanted to sink through the floor.

It started off as a perfect evening. He wanted it to be our first time. I had told him before that maybe I would but I wasn't sure how ready I felt. It was very romantic. Rose petals covering the floor, fairy lights draped round the headboard of the bed and a bottle of champagne sitting in a bucket of ice on the side. He'd prepared a playlist of our favourite songs.
They were mostly slow and seductive. We danced together for ages. My head resting on his shoulder, his hands around my waist. The fairy lights flickered and made patterns on the walls. When the playlist ended he sat me down on the bed and gave me long, slow gentle kisses. His hands drifted across my back and he found the zip to my dress and pulled down on it. I flinched and pulled away from him.
"What are you doing?" His voice laced with irritation.
"I...I Don't want to. I don't feel like it." I looked away unable to meet his gaze. "I'll head off. Mum's probably wondering where I am."
"You can't leave. Everything's ready, I have waited for as long as I could with you and look what I've done for you. I thought you loved me."
"I do love you. I'm just not ready for this yet. I'm really sorry."
I stood up to walk away but he grabbed hold of my arm and sat me back down. He pulled me in close and slid his hands inside my dress. I struggled but he held me tight and I couldn't break free. He was kissing me harder now and more passionately. He whispered in my ear over and over, as if to reassure me, that everything was going to be ok. I didn't feel ok.
I tried so hard to hold onto my tights but he was stronger than me and managed to pull them down. I heard him unzip his trousers as he moved over me and I was crushed by his body weight. He had my arms pinned down by my wrists and I couldn't move my legs to kick out. My whole body froze. Afterwards he rolled off me and turned out the lights. He was asleep quite soon. I wanted to get away so bad but I just couldn't. I was stunned. I never imagined that anything like that would ever happen to me and from my boyfriend? I guess that meant it didn't count. I knew it was my fault. I had led him on and made him think that I wanted to. He'd prepared himself and gone to so much effort to make it nice for me. I know any girl my age would have happily jumped into bed with Ben and here I was turning him down. Why couldn't he have just found another girl to force to sleep with him. I felt so horrible, like he'd contaminated me. I just wanted to get rid of every trace of him. I wasn't even legal yet, not until my 16th birthday next month. Especially because Ben turned eighteen in February. I felt violated like my body didn't belong to me anymore.