Recover

'You don't have to hide it anymore'

I woke up to the doorbell ringing.  Mum had taken Paige to the zoo so it was just me in the house. Sitting up, I looked out of the window and saw Jamie standing outside. Shit. I leaped out of bed, threw on some clothes and scraped my hair into a ponytail. I sloshed some mouth-wash round my mouth, ran downstairs and opened the door.
"Sorry," I panted breathlessly. "Wasn't up yet, had to make myself presentable. Do you want to come in?"
"Actually, I was gonna ask whether  you wanted to come out. I know I only saw you last night but you're home alone. We could walk down to the beach and paddle? It's a lovely day!"
"Eh ok. Hang on a minute."
I ran back inside, did my make up, had a mouthful of croissant, put on my coat, left a note on the table for Mum and locked the door behind me.
It was indeed a beautiful day. The sun was shining, the sky was cloudless and the sea glistened a deep blue. We strolled hand in hand. It was a 10 minute walk from mine. We passed the Post Office and I waved to Mrs Jefferson. For a while no one spoke. As we neared the beach Jamie broke the silence.
"Last night, why did you cry so much?"
"PMS, it's an emotional time," I put my hand to my heart as if delivering a dramatic acting performance.
"No, I'm serious. When Georgia said that you slept with Ben you panicked, your tears were not 'PMS' tears they were 'Ben did something to me tears'."
I stopped dead in my tracks and turned to face him.
"What!"
"You heard me. I understand. You don't have to hide it anymore."
"I'm not hiding anything. Nothing happened!" My voice was desperately trying to convince him but he wasn't being convinced.
"It's ok. I'm here." He pulled me into a hug but I broke free.
"You don't know anything about me so much leave me alone!" I tore back up the path we'd just walked down and further but had to stop to catch my breath and he caught me up.
"Stop running. You're giving me stitch. Seriously, what happened? I wont judge you, I want to help."
"I don't want your help. I want you to mind your own fucking business! I've told you what happened already! How dare you assume you know. You don't have a clue."
To my relief he stopped trying and gave in.
"Okay, okay. I'm sorry." He breathed out in defeat and sat down on a low wall behind us. "Got carried away and put my foot in it. I can't control myself sometimes when I get an idea in my head." He lifted himself up and took my hand. "Look, can we go back to the beach now please."
Reluctantly, I let him steer me off back to the beach. We sat down on the sand. He reached for my hands again and held them in his lap. He was staring into my eyes, I just looked into my lap, I couldn't face his gaze.
" I really love you, you know. I can't help it but I do. Ever since I clocked eyes on you when you came to middle school I have been head over heels in love with you, I just didn't quite have the courage to tell you. When Ben first asked you out it broke my heart. You really seemed to like him." He looked across at the sea and then back at me. "You were so good together. Why did you break up?"
"I thought you were staying out of my business." I snapped.
"Oh yeh, oh god I'm sorry."
"No I am, I didn't mean to say it like that, I just don't want to talk about Ben, he's in my past now. You were telling me  about being heart broken..."
"Yep. That was it. I hated seeing you with someone else, your beautiful blue eyes and soft brown hair and gorgeous curves won me over." He put his hands on my shoulders and moved them all the way down to my legs. He didn't notice me shudder. Then leaned over and spoke into my ear. "I finally have you in my reach. And God do I want you." His lips glided over my face and found my lips. He put his hand round the back of my neck and we kissed. It was a firey, passionate kiss and I swear sparks flew. The world stopped spinning and it was just us in that moment. He pushed his tongue through the small gap in my parted lips and it explored my mouth. It felt good but just too wrong. His hands moved from my neck to my back and started to travel up the inside of my t-shirt. I stopped kissing and jumped away from him.
"I get it now. You just wanted in my pants. You don't love or respect me, you just want to feel me up, just like Ben." I wiped my lips with the back of my hand and put my head in my hands.
"Oh God, I'm such a jerk. I'm so sorry. Your wrong though. I do love and respect you, I just didn't think. What do you mean just like Ben?"
"He pretended to like me but in the end it was all about the sex."
"So you did do it?"
I turned away from him, unable to bring myself to look at him. He put his arm around me but I pushed it away. I took a deep breath and still looking at the floor, for the first time, admitted it.
"I didn't want to. I tried to get away. He was so heavy." I burst into tears but he didn't react or say anything.
"You must hate me..."I stopped my tears and stood up. "...I'll go. You'll never have to see me again." I walked a few steps but he reached out and stopped me. We were stood facing each other as I continued to cry.
"I don't hate you, how could I? You've done nothing wrong and this is not your fault."
"It is though. I led him on. I let him think that I wanted to. At the last minute, I chickened but he carried on. I'm such a slut."
"No you're not. If he forced you against your will to have sex, which he did, it's rape. I'm sure you did everything you could to stop him. Now, you have to tell the police."
"No, I don't want everyone knowing. It will be so embarrassing. He'll just deny it and say we did it together and they'll have no evidence. No one is going to believe me." Tears still streamed down my face.
"They will. I believe you, so will your mum and your friends. We can help and be here for you. You need to face what happened and do something about it. It's the only way to move on and get him out of your life."
"I don't want to be responsible for giving him a criminal record and years in prison. He was always so nice. It would ruin his life."
"Yeah, well look at how he's ruined yours. You can't feel sorry for him. He has assaulted you. Look at what he's turned you into. You used to be strong, confident and happy. Now you're just a shell of the person you used to be. The girl I fell in love with isn't the one I see before me."
"What will everyone think of me?"
"It doesn't matter what they think. If anything they will be sympathetic and I'm sure everyone will want to do everything they can to help and support you. And what if he does it again to his next girlfriend, or the one after that?"
"Okay...I'll speak to the police." He pulled me into a hug and I let him hold me in his arms as I bawled. He stroked my hair and held me tight and I knew I'd done the right thing.