Recover

'Get out of my house and never come back.'

Days passed and Ben kept away like I asked. People moved on and found other news to talk about. School carried on as normal, lessons were boring and teachers strict. At home if I was in my bedroom, which I often was, Mum didn't disturb me which I liked. I listened to music or watched teli or read my magazines. I loved my bedroom, my favourite things were my big white rocking chair in the corner and cabin bed with a deep purple duvet. The decoration was just to my taste. It was own space and respite from my little sister. I frequently had knocks on the door from Paige asking me to put a grip back in her hair or make a wish on her wand or put the head back on one of her barbie dolls. I didn't mind though it was cute that she liked my help. On Friday, I got home from school as normal but the house was already unlocked. I went in assuming Mum was home early but found Ben in the kitchen.
"H...h...how did you get in?" I asked trembling.
"Used the key under the flower pot. You really should find a better hiding place." His eyes wandered up and down my body and he grinned. I felt sick.
"Please leave. I don't want you coming anywhere near me."
"I don't want any trouble. Just to say that I really enjoyed..." He paused,
"...that night."
"Get out and leave me alone! I hate you!"
I stormed up to my bedroom and leapt onto the bed, crying into my pillow. The door opened and he appeared in the doorway.
"I'm sorry." He sat down on the edge of the bed and was about to rub my back. I shot up and held his wrist away from me.
"Look at what you've done to me." I was about to go on but he interrupted.
"What I've done to you?! That night was us not me. What we did may have been wrong but practically your whole year has done it by now. All this..." He pointed to my tear stricken face, "...is just you feeling guilty. You'll get over it. Can we just move on?"
I took a moment to digest what he'd just said. Can we move on? I breathed deeply to resist the urge to punch him. Calmly I said:
"You raped me. We are over. Get out of my house and never come back. We are over." He left.
When she got home from work, Mum came into my room. She didn't say anything at first just sat herself down in the chair in the corner and watched the TV with me. I could tell she wanted to say something but wasn't quite sure how to phrase it. After a while I switched off the TV.
"Spit it out." I said.
"Oh, right, well, um... I got a call from Ben's Mum at work. She said she found some eh... things in his drawer. She knows he's going out with you so she worried he was thinking of, you know... with you. I just wanted to check with you that he's not expecting anything from you as you're only fifteen. I said to her you were a sensible girl and wouldn't at your age but she asked that I checked with you."
I wanted so bad to say 'he wants me to and we have but I tried to say no and he is telling everyone we did it together.' I didn't say that. Instead I answered "No, he's happy to go slow and we obviously haven't so leave
it."
I hated lying to my mum. It left such an awful heavy feeling in my stomach but I couldn't face telling her the truth about her good girl and seeing the disappointment on her face. We weren't even together now but I didn't want her to know that either, it would bring up too many questions that I didn't want to answer.
She stayed there for a while longer and then went to the kitchen to prepare dinner. I locked myself in the bathroom and leant over the sink. Luckily, no puke came. The tears did though. One by one they came rolling down. I stared at myself in the mirror. At who I'd become. This was so unlike me. This is what making a huge mistake and paying for it felt like I guessed.