It was as if her whole existence was that of a butterfly - beautiful, carefree, joyful. Then it all fell apart and that beauty, carefree nature, and joy dissipated into the never ending abyss.
Cue the betrayal of a moth.
•••
"It's hard to be with s...
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"I'm so sorry I ever did that," Chisoo silently read. "I must've been out of my mind. Please forgive me."
"What's up?" Haknyeon finally asked. "You've been staring at your phone like that for a solid three minutes."
"It's Dajung. She's asking me to forgive her after her little poster stunt."
Haknyeon nodded slowly. "What if Hayoon was right? What if she actually has a very unhealthy obsession with you?"
"Sounds like a personal problem to me," Chisoo deadpanned. "I'm hungry. Do you wanna go grab something?"
"The guys are about to be here with pizza," he replied. "I made sure they got your favorite."
Chisoo smiled for the first time that day. "You three are too good to me."
The boy laughed at her, happy to see that small moment in which she seemed to be in a good mood.
"Let me know when they get here," she stood up and threw her blanket onto the couch. "I'm taking a shower."
"For which one?"
Chisoo's jaw dropped. "You think I like one of them?"
"Both of them like you," Haknyeon effortlessly revealed. "I see a little something in your eyes, too."
And he was right, because as soon as he called for her and said, "they're here!", her stomach turned in excitement. She pranced down the stairs and joined the boys in the kitchen.
"Jalapeños," Sangyeon scrunched his nose. "On pizza?"
Chisoo acted offended. "How dare you."
He held his hands up in defense as she smiled playfully. Before she could say anything else to the eldest, she felt a hand on her back and looked up to Younghoon. He placed a kiss to her head, in front of everyone, making her face go crimson.
Haknyeon looked over at Sangyeon and saw a fierce disdain, not towards Younghoon, but towards his actions. Jealousy was evident on his face.
But Chisoo was clueless to the whole ordeal that laid right in front of the three boys.
The doorbell rang and interrupted the awkward atmosphere. "Is someone else supposed to be joining?"
The boys slowly shook their heads in response to Chisoo's question. They were in the same boat as her as far as not knowing who was at the door.
She moved away from her friends, pizza slice in hand, and opened the front door. To her dismay, Hayoon stood on the doorstep, a small smile plastered on his face. Oh, how she used to love that smile. Now it made her stomach turn.
"Chisoo." He mumbled.
"Hayoon," she grumbled. "What are you doing?"
He was so nervous. He couldn't stop moving his feet. "I wanted to talk, if that's okay."
She looked back to see the boys hovering in the doorway of the kitchen. She was mainly looking at Haknyeon for some type of approval. When he shrugged, she nodded to her ex-lover and shut the front door behind her.
The two sat down and Chisoo brought her knees to her chest. "What did you want to talk about?"
"Us," he sighed. "Not in the sense of getting back together, because I'm aware that that's not possible. I just wanted to apologize for how things turned out."
"Okay." She mumbled.
She wasn't very sure how to respond. She didn't prepare herself for an apology - she didn't have a script ready to go in her head.
"I didn't go that night because I was scared of seeing you like that," he confessed, guilt laced in his voice. "I didn't want to see you... mangled, I guess."
Chisoo stared at him for a moment before looking away and shaking her head. "You didn't want to see me in pain or you didn't want to see the way I looked after the wreck?"
"Looked."
"Wow," she whispered, a heavy wave of anger and sadness washing over her entire body. "That's so selfish."
"I know, Chisoo," he put his head in his hands. He was tearing up, and she knew that very well. "I think about it everyday. Now I see your scars and I wish I was in the hospital with you to watch them heal, kiss them better. It might be hard to believe but I do feel bad for what I did."
"But you wouldn't have done it had you felt bad enough." She replied.
Her mother used to always say that when giving advice to her children. Everyone did things for a reason, and it was up to an individual in whether or not they take those actions to heart. What Hayoon did was taken to heart by Chisoo, and very seriously at that.
She sighed and looked away from him, out to the house across the street. There was a shadow of two people seemingly dancing together. "I understand that you're sorry, and I understand that you regret it, but that doesn't change what you did. You knew it was wrong, Hayoon. You're smart, you always were when it came to our relationship."
"Would it be wrong of me to say I still love you?" He whispered. "So much."
"You can't help how you feel when it comes to that."
She looked at him again and his tears were falling as they made eye contact. She hated to admit it, but she hated seeing him cry. She reached over and wiped his tears, something he didn't expect from her at all.
"I know you're a good person," she reassured him, despite her slight resentment towards him. "You were caught in a moment of weakness and I can be forgiving towards that. But I can't forget that you left me the way you did."
He nodded against her warm hands. He grabbed her wrist, knowing that warmth would disappear once he moved. "Do you think we could ever be friends again?"
She nodded after some hesitance. "Maybe after I stop loving you. It'll be easier then."
Admitting her continued love for Hayoon really drained Chisoo. She regretted saying it out loud and every time she remembered what she said, her stomach churned in embarrassment. She accidentally gave him false hope - she knew she did.
"You look perplexed." Haknyeon noted as he joined her on the couch.
The boys had been playing video games for a while now, but she had no idea what was going on. "I told Hayoon that I still loved him."
Younghoon, then Sangyeon both paused and looked over at her. The room was overly tense, and it made her skin crawl.
"Oh," her brother mumbled. "And?"
"I shouldn't have." She replied.
"Because you don't love him?"
She shook her head in response to Younghoon. "I do, but I shouldn't have said that to him. I think it gave him false hope."
Sangyeon and Younghoon felt defeated. They were aware that it would be hard for her to overcome him, but they were hoping that they made some sort of difference to her. They wanted to be her forever distraction from her pain until it was gone for good.
Younghoon thought about the intimate moments they shared, now knowing that she was still in love with him. It hurt, but he wasn't mad at her. He couldn't ever be mad at her.
And Sangyeon knew he was in third place. He came after Hayoon, then Younghoon, and it hurt him as well. He knew her love wasn't a race, and he knew her love wasn't easy to attain after so much heartache. But knowing he was the last one she would pick was rocky.
While these thoughts ran through their head, Chisoo couldn't help but clock the looks on their faces. The realization hit her hard - harder than it should have. Guilt washed over her and she now knew that she wasn't just hurting one boy.
