[Moonsun] Motherhood

Ch.12

Night. The winter breeze howled through the parched trees. The city had been deep in the sleep, light from distant windows in the skyscrapers dotting the night sky like the stars. Byulyi sorrowfully sat on the patio; on the small table beside her was a bottle of champagne and a glass.

She hadn't touched alcohol for more than a year, ever since she started to indulge herself in the first try of artificial insemination. It was the only habit she managed to kick though. She knew she was stubborn, that she might not be used to practicing self-care, that she usually handled more work that her health permitted, but she would immediately stay away from what could be harmful for her pregnancy. And when the familiar yet strange burgundy liquid started burning her throat, Byulyi wondered if what she was doing right now was the right thing to do. It didn't matter anyway. Her baby was no longer alive, and she needed a substance to put out the lingering flame that at the same time was setting her broken heart on fire.

She felt dizzy. It must be due to the long period of abstinence. But it made her be distracted. Perhaps it was a good thing to be so.

Making up her mind was more difficult than she thought. It was also part of the reason why she decided to drink; she hoped that when she wasn't sober anymore, her heart would tell her mind to shut up and follow the path it wanted.

Actually, choosing the delivery method was easy. Byulyi didn't want to keep a dead body inside her for so long, and she wanted herself to be conscious during the whole process. What made she toss and turn was whether she should see the baby for the last time or not. The lawyer feared that the moment she got her angel in her hand, she might be too greedy to let someone else take it away. Acknowledging that she could only have a single chance to embrace her precious little soul was an agony she never thought she had to experience.

But then her mind played some scenes from the past. An exciting Byulyi playing with her friend's son. A Byulyi admiring those photos of Yongsun's nephew learning to walk. A Byulyi with beaming eyes upon passing by playgrounds and hearing loud noises from the children taking part in various games. In all those moments, she would always think of the day she could hold hand, talk, smile, play with a child she got to call hers. Now that she had an opportunity to do that, even though for just some hours, why did she have to hesitate?

For the first time since she heard the news, Byulyi smiled a little after making the final decision. A rather cold smile, but not really forced. And even though that was a dead baby, she still felt herself waiting for the day she held it in her arms.

***

- How are you feeling? Physically?

- Well... there's this tingly sensation on my back, other than that I can't feel anything.

- That's the nature of epidural anesthesia. Does the oxygen mask cause you discomfort? We're just making sure you're given enough air for when you go into labor later.

- I'm fine.

She wanted to say she wasn't, but not knowing what was waiting ahead, she just needed it to be done once and for all.

Wearing the patient gown, Byulyi was sweating excessively in nervousness, she blinked in time with her breathing rate, trying to meditate.

- Yes, just like that, inhale... exhale... - Chaeyoung breathed at the same time with her to help her calm down. - Everything will be fine.

Byulyi weakly nodded.

- Try to relax as much as possible, okay? Yongsun unnie will be here shortly. - Chaeyoung said before leaving the room to prepare for the delivery.

Seconds later, a nurse came in and injected a needle in her wrist, connected to IV drip that contained oxytocin* to accelerate her labor. Yongsun stayed by her side all the time, talking to her and holding her hand tight as she tried to distract her from the pain the gradually came as time went by. About two hours later, the water broke, and as the cycle of contractions became shorter and more painful despite the epidural, the lawyer was transferred to the delivery room.