[Moonsun] Motherhood

Ch.17

Byulyi pulled the car by the pavement and got out, a bouquet of white daisies in one hand, a plastic box in another. There was a snow rain last night, and now it covered the ground in white like a blanket. A breeze slightly blowing her hair as she walked along the rows, her eyes roaming around until she found the one she came here for. 

- Hi dear. It's your mama Byulyi. Do you miss me? - Byulyi grinned when she squatted down to the stone's level. - I bet you don't. I think I've come here even more than the amount of HR applications I read in the past month.

She wiped away some snow on the stone to have a better look at the text engraved. The lawyer opened her box and took out a familiar whiteish grey brush and a bottle of headstone cleaner. Skillfully, as if she had done this so many times, Byulyi started cleaning diligently to make sure every centimeters of her daughter's resting place was as dirt-free as possible. She also took time washing the small vase on the surrounding marble ground before carefully placing the flowers in.

- Aren't these pretty? - Byulyi kept on talking despite knowing no one would hear her. - It's both my and your mommy's second favorite flowers. I especially bought them for your birthday today. They are so bright and small... they remind me of you...

Her actions slowed down to a halt. She sighed.

- I can't deny that I miss you every moment, my angel. - It still provoked a painful flame inside her everytime she came here like this. - Today is your first birthday. I could have bought you a ton of clothes and toys you might like; we could have been on a trip together and enjoyed a fun picnic like any other families...

Maybe she should stop with these "could have"; she was perfectly aware that the more she said it, the more they would break her. She carried on with her life, yes, but it didn't mean she stopped wishing things could have been other, better ways. 

- I really don't want to roll over here crying nonstop in front of a lifeless stone. - Byulyi sadly chuckled, tears already trickling down her cheeks. - But- my god, I don't even know how I managed to bring myself here. It's been only a year, Seondal, but the memories are still fresh like yesterday. You in my hands, me clutching to your stone sobbing as if you were my lifeline. Maybe you were one to me, at that time.

Byulyi curled up as she tried to clean her face with her sweater sleeves. - At one moment, you're my greatest source of happiness, and next thing I knew, you were no longer there. I was so confused lost, I almost fell back to a horrifying dark trance that I knew all too well, something that might have trapped me forever and drowned me in an endless ocean of guilt and sorrow. But-

She smiled a little. - Your mommy was there for me, despite herself hurting almost as much as I were. She's still there, of course, I'm just telling you the story. Anyways, she's the kindest, warmest, most loving human being that ever existed on earth, and sometimes I still have no idea how I deserve such a person in my life. When I thought I'd lost my family, she became one for me, maybe even back in the day she fetched me from the bus stop when I first came to Seoul knowing nothing.  That's why I'm determined to stay with her forever and pay her back for what she has sacrificed for my sake. It may be a little too soon, considering we only have dated for nearly two years, but mark my words that one day I'm going to tell the world that she is my dearest wife.

She stood up and packed her stuff. Her hand touched the marble one last time. - Today I have to go back to office, so forgive me for not staying here longer with you. I'm glad to leave your place with a smile. Happy birthday, baby. I love you and miss you so much.

The wind got stronger and the sky seemed overcast in the afternoon when another woman stopped in front the same place. She chuckled at the sight of fresh daisies arranged in the small vase on the marble ground.

- So this is what your mama meant when she mentioned an urgent meeting this morning. - Yongsun took off her sunglasses as she kneeled down to clean the snow off the stone. - Happy birthday sweetie. I have been missing you a lot. I'm sure you're having fun on heaven. Or you may have reincarnated into another life. Who knows, right? I still prefer to believe you're watching us from up there though.

The psychiatrist stayed silent for a while.

- Time really flies, huh? I still remembered when I first saw your tiny figure on the monitor at your mama's ultrasound, and now we're already celebrating your second birthday. I miss you so much, but it was nothing compared to the one who had carried you for more than half a year like her. I don't think she told you this but this day last year, she broke down after hearing that her coworker was going to celebrate his daughter's first birthday. - Yongsun sighed at the memory. Her heart stung everytime she recalled the image of Byulyi rocking herself with a hand caressing her flat belly, completely disconnected with the reality and indulged in the flashback of her being pregnant. 

- Now she had managed to look back at her memories with you in a positive light, but it didn't mean things got remarkably easier. She still grieves over you, and I can't help feel a sense of helplessness when I could do nothing to lessen her pain. And so I want to somehow make up to her by the only way I could think of.

She took out a black velvet box from her pocket. Her eyes glazed over the sparkling design of the engagement band. A classic round-cut diamond was framed and complimented by two brilliant tanzanite side stones, which was coincidentally (or not) Byulyi's birthstone.

- I adore your mom so much nothing could ever describe my feelings for her. I just hope that she will receive the happiness she deserves after all these painful times. I even got my parents' - which are your grandparents' - blessing! - She blinked the tears away and smiled. - They're already pushing me to propose to your mom because they fear she's going to be snatched away from me. 

The two had been together for so long, it was easy to imagine a future of them being lawful wives. But Yongsun still worried. What if she rejected her? What if she wasn't enough for her? 

She had more than once expressed her worries to Byulyi, who constantly reassured her that she was more than enough for both of them and that she was the one the younger wished to forever have in her life. It just kept nagging on her; but she was also determined to not let the insecurities get the best of her. As long as she got to take care of her, any title was fine to her. 

- Anyways, what do you think? Should I go ahead and ask her? - Yongsun said hopefully, to no one in particular.

The clouds suddenly started to drift, and after a while the sun peeked through, directly at Yongsun's face. The woman raised an eyebrow and put her sunglasses back on.

- I will consider that as a yes. It's nice to come here and talk to you. Happy birthday again Seondal, I love you a lot.

_____

Their visits were one year apart. 

So... that's the end of the story^^

Really sorry for the abrupt end, I promise I will give an explanation later.

Happy Christmas everyone~