[Moonsun] Motherhood

Ch.13

tw // mental illness, mental breakdown, self-harm injury

Coming home from the funeral, Byulyi went straight to her bedroom and locked herself inside for days. She rejected any possible interaction with other people - including Yongsun - and for the first time in ages, Byulyi got mad at her lover when she tried to unlock the door. Helplessly, the older woman could only go back to previously her own room, trying to convince herself that Byulyi was giving both of them space to grieve and face the music.

Yongsun herself was far from good at dealing with grief though. She drowned her mind in lots and lots of family psychology books, hoping to look for a way to help them heal. However, she just needed some days to realize that the first step to help Byulyi had to be conversing and communicating with her, and with this situation it was a huge challenge to do so. Her worry spiked upon recalling that Byulyi had a history of self-sabotage and self-harm during her depression episodes back in college days, when she just came to Seoul with a broken soul due to her homophobic mom and studying pressure. If she couldn't stop her from tying with that goddamn black dog, it was hard to predict what kind of terrible things could happen next.

Gosh, it had been a long time since Yongsun last felt this helpless. She swore she would stop practicing psychiatry if something happened to her best friend and lover.

Byulyi hadn't turned the light on for a few days. Her curtain and sometimes windows were wide open, so at least during the day sunlight could brighten up her room. Not that she liked that; most days the weather looked awfully normal, too normal compared with the thunderstorm roaming inside her.

She walked around, mindlessly read some books, rearranged her already neatly organized working desk, doing anything that might put her off those voices that kept speaking in her head. But most of the time, she would silently sit on the bed, staring at the small bag hanging on the fluorescent ceiling lamp. Inside it was her daughter's stump of the umbilical cord - the only thing that she asked to keep from the hospital. The wool basket was thrown away to god knows where; looking at the unfinished pieces of clothes only highlighted her devastation.

Her heart was stone cold, and it wasn't only because of Seondal's absence but also Yongsun's. Somehow Byulyi didn't want to face Yongsun right now; perhaps, it had been her habit to suffer alone, whether from a physical or mental wound, and withdraw from the others, afraid that she might hurt people she loved. Perhaps she did hurt her life partner with the unexpected anger just because Yongsun wanted to be there and helped her. Her guilt only increased as she would softly knock on the door twice a day and tell her that her meal was outside, that she should keep herself healthy no matter what. So when the nights came, Byulyi would be barely sober, asking the wind to do her a favor and help her say sorry to the most important person in her life.

***

"Smash!"

Yongsun was startled by a loud noise of broken glass. Thinking of thief, she ran to the living room to check, but she found no trace of anyone breaking in. Which meant that sound could only come from-

"BYULYI!"

Terrified, she hastily looked for the second key in her room. Right now he would prefer being shouted at to ignoring the very high possibility that her lover was in danger.

The door wide opened. A part of the broken bottle of wine rolled in front of her. Turning on the light, she saw Byulyi sitting emotionlessly by the window, her hand holding a sharp piece of glass right beside her neck. Already having the first aid kit with her, Yongsun ran to her and shoved the piece away from her, accidentally scratching a line on Byulyi's neck. Even more panicked, Yongsun tackled her onto the bed, firmly straddled her and examined of the wound, mentally thanking god that the scratch was shallow and the neck artery was unharmed.