Starving for the sun

Crimson

She reaches out and lightly touches a petal that’s blooming with color, a flower that's had the privilege of basking in the warmth of the sun.

It’s soft against her fingers, so very delicate. Bright and vibrant, and full of life.

Isn't it ironic? Such beautiful creations that are laced with love and affection can bring pain and misery to those who love too much and not enough at the same time.

“What are you thinking?” She looks up from the flower that’s in her lap to see Edward sitting at the end of her bed watching her. His golden eyes searching her face, studying her, trying to see past the barrier that’s keeping him out.

It makes her uncomfortable and she has to fight the urge to shift away from his gaze.

Glancing back down at the flower that he gave her mere minutes ago, she can understand why he would be curious. Bella hasn't spoken since he handed her the small pot with a bright smile on his face and such gentleness in his hands.

Edward said he had a gift when she got to school that morning, something that would make her smile again. A surprise, he told her when she couldn't help but ask as they were walking into the school.

Little did he know that it would have the opposite effect.

There is no joy, no glee, no smile on her face. Only confusion and panic and something that she can't quite put a name to.

She won't cry, no matter how much she wants to, no matter how much her chest tightens from such a simple gift, and not for all the right reasons.

“Do you not like it?” There is an undertone of hurt in his voice and she knows that he’s concerned that he messed up. He has every right, even though he doesn't because this was his fault.

“It’s beautiful,” She finally manages to say as she trails her finger over a fragile petal and a soft sigh leaves her lips. Bella prays that she doesn't look so close to breaking as she feels.

Looking back up, she sees him still watching her, golden eyes boring into her and she wants to look away, anywhere else but she knows she can't.

Despite the pain that's spreading through her chest there is a curiosity that burns her bones like liquid steel, she needs to know. 

Fingers tighten around the clay pot enough to cause pain. “Edward,” Her voice is stronger than she feels and she’s never been more grateful.

“What's wrong?” He reaches a hand out across the covers, but she doesn't reach out to him, she won't. “Nothing,” Bella says softly and this time she does smile because she knows she can't tell him, that he won't accept it. He will never understand why her heart could never choose him.

“A rose?” She asks and understanding shines in his eyes and he smiles at her. “A rose so you will always remember how much I love you.” His grin is big and shows white pearly teeth and she can't look at him anymore.

Relief floods through her like cold water at his words. He doesn't know, she is so grateful that he doesn't know.

There is a long moment of silence and even though she knows that it would be polite to thank him she can't find it in her to say the words. Thankfully she doesn't have to because a phone rings, his phone and she can tell he doesn't want to answer it because it rings and rings and he isn't moving.

Edward is still watching her like he’s trying to pick her apart, trying to figure out what she isn't telling him. But she won't help him with his quest because her secrets are hers alone.

It’s ringing again and both of them know it's his family. She can see the reluctance in his movements, but he answers this time. There are no words spoken, she can't hear what the vampire on the other end is saying.

“I have to leave.” He’s to his feet in seconds after the phone call ends. “Oh, um okay.” She should say more, ask him what's wrong. If the others were okay, but nothing else comes out.

“I’ll see you later,” Edward tells her with a soft smile and then he’s gone.

Eyes cast down to see bright red. She wonders why he gave her a potted rose instead of just a rose. Did he want her to take care of it? Did he want her to see the beauty in it? Was it really just a reminder of how much he loves her?

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Her chest tightens and burns when she can't find it in her to take another breath. Just a few seconds, she tells herself. She can pretend it doesn't hurt as much.

Roses represent love and passion, but when they choose to grow where there is no sun, they can become greedy and cruel.

They have thorns that can puncture the lungs with every breath, petals that crawl up a person's throat. Thick branches that cause so much pain and damage that it can take half as long to drown in red.

Bella is glad she doesn't have roses growing in her chest. She is glad the universe isn't that cruel.