Starving for the sun

Carmine

The sound of waves crashing against each other reminds of her another time full of stories and laughter and games in the sand.

The gulls gliding above are a good distraction from her thoughts as her eyes follow their path, the light gray clouds coating the sky for miles on end makes the day feel like a stretch of limbo.

There is no yesterday, no tomorrow,  just today.

“How long?”

The question pulls her gaze from the sky to the sand that seems like it should be colored gold due to the sun but the sun is hidden and the sand is pale in comparison to what her memories tell her.

It’s the first words spoken since she walked off aimlessly from the group, uncomfortable with the glances her way, the whisper of words regarding her fate.

Her visitor had insisted on following her, on keeping her company. It’s not completely unwanted but the sounds of nature that surround them doesn't demand to know the plans of her heart.

Bella doesn't respond right away, it’s not a question easily answered.

How long what? How long does she have left? How long has it been since she felt the sting that’s ever present? How long has she loved her instead of him?

There is no point to any of those questions that could all be tangled in one. It’s not like she can pinpoint the start of any of it. There is no light bulb that clicked on, shining on the answer to everything that’s not being said.

She drawls a breath that feels shallow, ignoring the ache in her ribs and the dryness of her mouth as she asks her own question.

“What are you asking?” Maybe she should feel bad for turning it back around on them knowing its uncomfortable to speak the words aloud, but she needs to know before she gives too much away.

“You’re going to make me say it?”

She kicks sand with the tip of her shoe before glancing over at her companion who’s eyes are on the sea.

“I give you full permission to ask whatever you want Leah.”

The brunette shakes her head and Bella waits patiently for her to either give up on the conversation or speak her mind.

The tiptoeing around is getting on her nerves and she knows she cant blame Jacob for speaking his worry, but this secret is so close to being spoken aloud and she’s not ready for that.

“He didn’t mean to say anything.” A soft spoken apology for something that’s not Leah’s fault but it’s welcome none the less. “I know.”

“He’s really worried about you.” The soft breeze carrying the smell of salt through the air and Bella remembers what it feels like to hold her breath under water and the pressure that builds and builds until there is no choice but to chase the surface and break free. “I know.”

“He doesn't want to lose you to this.” Bella takes another step towards the shore as Leah speaks. This, she shakes her head at the thought.

This pain and love, this uncertainty that’s surely killing her, this curse that will likely run its course until only twisted beauty remains.

“I know.”

She didn’t ask for this, she didn’t want this to happen, she doesn’t want to be a coward.

“Does it still hurt?” She turns to her friend who’s watching her like she sounds far away but Bella knows the question is heard when Leah pulls her jacket tighter around her, one hand fiddling with the zipper pauses and Bella starts to apologize for her blunt question when she finally responds.

“Not anymore.” Leah speaks softly, like just talking about it hurts. “I…can still feel it sometimes,” She stands beside Bella, hands in her pockets as the waves lower their dominance over each other as the wind shifts. “Sometimes I can’t seem to catch my breath after a run, sometimes it aches and makes my ribs burn for no reason, sometimes it feels like drowning when I shift. But knowing that it never left,” Leah leans her head back and lets out a shaky breath. “It’s still overwhelming.”

“Do you…” Bella exhales as a gull lands on the shore and she watches it as the seconds go by before she needs to breathe again. “The experience?” She cant get herself to ask word for word what she wants to know hoping Leah doesn't take offense.

“It’s made me who I am today. Do I wish things turned out differently? Yes. Do I wish it never happened? Sometimes. Would I go though that again? Hell no.”

Another gull lands in the sand, “Jake said if you didn’t shift when you did,” She glances over at Leah who’s now looking towards the waves, “You would have died.” A whisper shadows the last word and Leah nods in acknowledgment.

“Life is cruel.” She says after a stretchered out moment as the words seem to bring memories that pull her from the present.

“Yep.” Bella agrees.

“Are you going to tell her?” She glances at Leah to see her digging her shoe in the sand and watches as sand flies when she kicks her foot with a little too much force.

Her first and only response would be no. She’s not that brave, she can’t do that to them, she doesn’t know how to say the words out loud.

It doesn’t matter what her heart begs her to do, it doesn’t matter that time is ticking away. It doesn’t matter because from a distance is better than breaking a family.

“I don’t know.” It’s not a lie if she doesn't say otherwise, just a little false hope for those that worry for her.  

“I think you should.” The surprise must show on her face because Leah shakes her head before responding. “There is no way to know for sure if she feels the same as you if you don’t say anything.”

“But you-”

“Are you certain without a doubt that what you feel for her is one sided?” Leah asks but she doesnt want to think about it, she doesnt want the false hope that she’s given.

“It’s your life Bella, so that makes it your choice. Don’t let others choose for you, especially not this.”