promise?

4.

all i want to do is cry. my feet in the water, hanging off the dock. as i play with the beads on one of the many bracelets jj had made for me, i hear the pogues laugh. it just saddens me more. i would never usually do that to him, i love jj so much.

well, do i?

a tear starts to form, dropping from my eye, creating more and more tears. eventually tears filled my face, streaming down.

memories starting to fill my head.

———————————————————————————

the beach breeze is nice, perfect weather.
jj running with me on his back, you guys laugh. he stops and puts me down.
his hand cups my face.
"you're the only one for me y/n." he says with a smile.
god i love him.
"you're the only one for me jj. the only one." i say.
he kisses my forehead.
"you're perfect." he giggles.
it makes me giggle.
his laugh is contagious. it makes me so happy.

———————————————————————————

we're at a bonfire party.
it got a little chillier so jj gives me his sweatshirt.
as me and sarah walk over to get a drink, i catch jj staring at me, smiling.
he turns to some random guy.
"isn't she beautiful?" he asks, blushing.
the guy looks at me.
"yeah, she's pretty hot." the guy replies.
"you know im gonna marry her one day." he says to the guy.
the guy laughs, "good for you buddy." he says.

———————————————————————————

i'm sitting on the floor, against the couch, eating chips.
jj's legs rested to the side of me.
he's braiding my hair, well trying.
"okay, okay, anddd done." he says.
i get up to look in the bathroom.
it's kind of braided, but i'm proud of him.
i giggle.
"whaaattt? i think it looks good." he says, crossing his arms.
"it looks so good baby." i say, kissing him.

———————————————————————————

we're sitting in class, jj doodling in his notebook.
jj always does this and i'm always so intrigued.
i look over at it.
"Y/N MAYBANK"
he giggles.
"i love you y/n." he whispers.
i grab his hand, "i love you more." i whisper back.

———————————————————————————

so many memories. it's ruined.

the laughing stops but the footsteps get closer.

"y/n?" jj starts, "are you okay baby?"

i wipe my face but look down to my lap so he can't see my red eyes.

"yeah, i'm fine." i say back to him.

he sits down next to me and looks at my face.

"no you aren't. what's wrong?" he asks.

jj HATES to see me cry so right now isn't gonna be the easiest time to say i'm okay.

"i'm okay jj, i promise." i say as i look up at him.

he grabs my hand and starts to rub it.

"i wish you felt better princess. maybe today just you and me should spend some time together." he says, trying to make me feel better.

that's the last thing i need or want right now.

"no, it's okay." i say.

his smile drops.

"why have you been so distanced y/n? i feel like you never wanna hang out or even see me." he says.

"no it's- well- yeah. you're right." i admit.

he lets go of my hand.

"wha- what?" he asks, his voice starting to shake.

"jj there's something i've needed to tell you about for a while now." i say, trying not to cry.

he stands up.

"ok, then say it." he says.

i get up and turn to him.

"i did something wrong, really wrong." i say.

i think he knows where i'm going with this, a tear starts to ball up in his eye.

"at the park, that movie night? well when i went to use the restroom, i uh.." i struggle to find the words of how to say it.

"you what y/n?" jj asks, clearly impatient and over my shit.

"i ran into rafe."

he lets a deep breath out, tears starting to fall.

"oh my god." he whispers, looking down, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"jj- it was an accident! i swear!" i yell, try to reassure him.

the pogues run outside, keeping a distance but close enough to hear us.

he starts to quickly walk away but i grab his wrist pulling him back. he looks down, trying not to make eye contact with me.

"jj please. it wasn't supposed to happen. i don't even know how it happened. please." i say.

he looks into my eyes, struggling to put his words together.

"y/n, i expect it from rafe but- YOU?!" he's mad.

"jj i'm sorry i-"

"sorry doesn't cut it y/n!" he yells, "i mean, what even brought you to it? am i not enough? am i missing something?"

i don't know what to say.

"no jj- you- you are enough!" i shout back.

"clearly not!" he says, walking away.

"fine! you aren't enough!" i shout.

what the hell did i just say?

he turns back to me.

"what?" he asks. i can see the hurt in his face.

"you aren't enough! i mean, there's never any excitement! you always wanna be with the pogues! it's always about the pogues! jj you're my bestfriend! i love you so much but..." i don't know how to say it.

"don't give me that bullshit!" he shouts, "you never wanna do anything! you never wanna mess around or have fun! that's why there's no excitement! and i don't even wanna hear that you love me because that's-"

i interrupt him.

"..platonically jj."

wow that hurt.

he slightly nods his head.

"platonically. wow. so we've been dating for a year just for it to be platonic for you? was i ever more than that?" he asks.

yes, he was more than that. for a very long time. but when i did what i did, i knew it was platonic again.

"of course you were jj. god i don't think i would be here without you, but after it happened-"

"you mean after you cheated?" he interrupts.

okay smart ass. i get it.

"yeah, i would never do that to someone i loved romantically. i guess if that's a word." i say.

"i cant believe you." he says, walking away for real this time.

my hand cover my face, loud sobs leaving my mouth.

the pogues run inside to check on jj but sarah comes to me.

"y/n? you cheated on jj?" she asks, her voice soft, relaxing me.

"sarah it was an accident- i didn't mean to." i say.

she hugs me.

"i cant be here for a while. jj doesn't deserve that. please keep an eye on him and make sure he's okay?" i ask of her.

she softly smiles.

"of course."