This Love: Spencer Reid

white noise

the jet ride home was almost completely silent. although, i still felt like i could hear every whisper, every creak, every shallow breath someone made. everything seemed to be too much and too loud and there was no way for me to turn the silence down.

hotch's knuckles were turning white from how hard he clutched the files, staring out the window with a scowl painted across his face.

emily was lying across two seats, a pillow over her head to indicate that she wasn't up to have a interact.  kinda harsh, but understandable. i made a mental note to myself to make sure she wouldn't drink too much when we landed.

derek had his headphones in his ears and his hands were clasped into fists. i was pretty sure he was listening to a true crime podcast, i could see his eyes react to whatever was going on in it.

jj stared at emily mindlessly, tapping her foot in annoyance. occasionally her hair would fall in front of her eye and she would whip her hand up to shove it behind her ear, only for it to happen again in a matter of seconds. i thought about offering her a hair tie but decided against it, figuring she probably didn't want to have a conversation as well. 

you read your book slower then usual, your bottom lip pulled under your teeth in concentration. the circles under your eyes were a little darker then normal and i noticed that you were struggling to keep them open. the darkness that shawdowed a majority of your face accentuated the long bones on your face, kind of making you look awful in the most photogenic way possible.

rossi was typing something on his phone and ignoring everything going on around him.

i watched the contrast of emotions, unsure which one i should be feeling myself.

i put my arms on my the small table infront of me and layed my head down there, hoping to give my mind a rest for a moment.

i could hear you shift and i could feel you glancing over at me from behind your huge book, tilting your head in a way that said "how are you?"

"everything okay fran?" you asked.

i peaked my head up from my arms with a lazy nod.

"yeah, i'm fine. i was asleep." i lied.

i looked down to fidget with my thumb, trying to hide from your analyzing stare.

"no you weren't." you stated blankly.

i frowned but didn't say anything, not wanting to give you more material to profile.

"your nail," you said quietly from your seat across from me.

i looked up in confusion. "what?"

you frowned as if it was obvious. "your thumb nail. you've been biting it. you only do that when you're anxious or sad." you said, narrowing your eyes as if you were trying to figure me out.

"so which one are you, anxious or sad? or both?"

i sighed, knowing that escaping your questions would be impossible. "i don't know. both i guess."

you took my hand and put your much larger thumb over mine, laughing softly at the size difference.

"when we land, come with me. i have a surprise for you."

i looked up at you. your eyes were bright with excitement and your foot was bouncing up and down. i smiled and nodded suspiciously.

i felt my myself trying to hold back tears at your kindness, my throat constricting uncomfortably.

i looked around the jet, examining everything around me expect you, trying to hold back the tears that i could feel coming from behind my eyes. i could feel your concerned gaze burning into me and i wanted to do anything but meet it.

i blinked a few times and you understood what was going on.

you understood because you were trained to understand, but understanding and caring are different things and in the midst of my clouded thoughts i wonder if you did actually care.

i felt my cheeks heating up. the humiliation of crying in front of people making me duck my head down, trying to shadow my face. you shifted to the right in your seat, blocking everyone else's view of me.

theres a silence for a moment and it's hard for me to tell if it's ackward or not because i'm so far in my head.

"do you feel safe right now?" you asked, squeezing the hand you were still holding.

i nodded. i knew the tatic you were using to try and comfort me- raise the bar so high so then i could easily slip under it, and then maybe i would feel like whatever weight i was carrying was not such a big deal anymore. smart. but extremely obnoxious.

theres another silence and this time it is uncomfortable, i noticed the way you tugged at your cardigan, trying to busy yourself instead of making me feel worse by looking at me.

"child prodigies burn out, you know." i said, tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear.

you didn't comment but you did close your book and fix your eyes on me, setting it onto the small table to let me know i had your attention.

"my physics teacher that i had in college says i made a mistake coming here. throwing away my happiness, reducing my life expectancy, messing around with the F.B.I. he even emailed me yesterday, offered me a job teaching in a lab. if i wanted it." i murmured, playing around with my nails.

i felt the intensity of your gaze increase, if that was possible. "i didn't take it, don't worry. love you too much. i can't imagine my life without this team. but i did think about it. about a life where i could go the whole time and never have to take someone elses, never get a gun pointed at me, never be the one pointing the gun."

you nodded slowly. "not all child prodigies burn out if given adiqeute support and the resources to persue." you replied, clearly ignoring my most recent statement.

"you want to know something spencer. just ask it." i said, playing the same game.

"i want to know if you're alright, that's all. you've been quiet since we left the hotel which makes me feel like i did something wrong. i understand if you're just having a bad day but i want to help the people i care about. so what can i do to help you?"

your words are heart achingly sweet, but i also feel a little embarrassed by them. i was really just feeling down about myself, and there wasn't much you could do on a jet back to quantico that would make everything better.

"i'm fine, really reid. but thank you." i say sincerly.

i feel relieved when i noticed that you believed me, worried that you might poke and prod further.

you held your other hand out towards me, but it was cupped in a fist. you outstretched your fingers to reveal an earbud, which i put in my ear reluctantly.

beethoven.

that was your way of saying it,
saying you did care.

because that's how you were. you could talk a serial killer down from murdering someone using only your mind and soothing voice, but you couldn't land a solid punch without lots of trial and error.

-fran