Call me kitten (boyxboy love) ✓

51. The lack of collars

I just stared at Ash. What the hell was he sitting there saying? The initial shock I felt never really took hold of me, strangely enough. Whether it was because I was already so upset by the situation, or whether I simply thought I was dreaming, I didn't know. But I just couldn't take his words seriously.

"What the hell do you mean, you wanna break up?" I finally said.

I tried to catch his gaze, but he looked down at the tabletop.

"Yeah. Or no, I don't want to, but it's best for you. It's not ok that you-,"

"Knock it off, don't sit there and tell me what's best for me. I'll decide that myself, thank you very fucking much."

The strength in my voice had not only made Ash flinch, I was surprised by it myself. I suddenly realized that I had gotten furious at him. How could he think that I would let him go so easily, just because he had ended up here? Did he give up so easily? Sure, neither he nor I had any idea how relationships were supposed to work, but that much I knew that I didn't run to the first available replacement. He didn't seem to understand that at all, though. Did he really think I couldn't cope without physical contact? Would he have broken up with me if the roles were reversed?

Ash was still staring at the table; his jaw was grinding.

"If I were where you are now, would you have accepted that I let you go?" I asked when I had recovered a little.

The question seemed to have shaken him because he suddenly looked up at me.

"That's not the same thing," he mumbled. "I've already... experienced most of it. You haven't."

"Bullshit," I spat angrily. "Besides, not everything in this world is about sex. But you can let me go if you want. It doesn't matter because I won't let you go. And there's nothing you can do about that."

"Jamie..." he moaned in agony, squeezing his eyes shut.

But I didn't have the energy to talk about it anymore now. There were more important and urgent things I needed to talk about, before visiting hours were over.

"What did you find out, what did Keith say?" I said as neutrally as I could.

Ash seemed to realize that I could not be shaken in my resolve and slumped at the table. In a flat voice he told me that Keith seemed to have said that Ash had been alone in the assault, he hadn't mentioned Simon or me. So, the stabbing, assault and threats all fell on Ash. But Keith hadn't said anything about the reason he'd been beaten, other than that Ash would have been jealous. That Ash hadn't accepted that Keith had moved on. Ash had made a disgusted noise when he said that last part.

"Your dad says it's probably a number of years in prison," he concluded. "Thanks, by the way. Frank seems good at what he does."

My dad was damn good at what he did, but it didn't matter if Ash didn't want to tell the truth.

"He could get you off completely if you just-,"

"No," Ash interrupted sharply. "You know why. And it's also why I don't want you to get in the middle, don't you get that? You can't help that I have the family I have."

And there he went again. More than anything, I wanted to lean over the table and shake him violently, slap him, and yell at him to get a grip. But I knew that wouldn't help, Ash's will to protect his brother stretched further than I could even imagine.

"But it's just your word against his," I said to redirect the conversation away from the topic of relationships.

"They have DNA from me that they got from Keith," Ash muttered. "And apparently he's been able to produce witnesses too, how the hell that happened anyway."

"But the only witnesses are me and Simon?"

"The police don't know that. But Frank said he'd smash them to bits, so I hope he will."

A guard started walking towards our table and I realized that visiting hours were over. Suddenly all the stubborn strength and coolness I had managed to muster disappeared and panic rushed through my body. I felt like I hadn't gotten to say any of the things I'd wanted to say, that I'd just wasted what little time we'd had scolding Ash instead. Now I didn't care in the slightest that physical contact wasn't allowed, I quickly reached across the table and grabbed his hand. When my hand met his, when I felt his warm skin, a shiver went through me, and he looked at me seriously. There was such pain in his gaze that I was breaking up inside.

"I'll make sure to arrange another visit as soon as I can," I said, desperately squeezing his hand.

"You should let go of me, Jamie," he muttered, but still held my hand in his.

Christ, he won't stop obsessing about it.

"I'll do whatever the fuck I want," I replied, narrowing my eyes at him.

Ash let go of my hand, but then I felt his finger slide along my palm, all the way up to my fingertips before they parted. Just like the first time we met. The touch lingered in my skin all the way out into the street, and I decided to take that as a good sign. Somehow, he didn't want me to let him go, even though he insisted on it as some kind of altruistic gesture. Somewhere he must have realized that he couldn't tell me what to do. Because right now I wasn't wearing my collar.

***

Author's note: I was a bit surprised at the outcry the previous chapter caused. So, here you go. A short chapter, but I hope it calms you down a tiny bit? ^o^