tryst [third] // h.s

3.01

Chapter one

Zara Malik

The amount of love one can feel is unlimited and probably endless. However, you notice the absence of it in your life, and the emptiness causes an almost tangible void that starts hurting, normally on your chest where your heart is located underneath your rib cage.

The lack of love in someone's life could affect the course of it, deviating from the normalcy of things and causing tremendous damage. I never felt unloved in my life- only by myself. I have felt unloved by myself.

Growing up the middle child of five tends to fuck with your head. Probably because of stereotypes imposed by society but perhaps because you're not the oldest nor the youngest, therefore you are expected to have some balance. Achieve it by yourself because you are the middle ground, you know what's wrong or right, on your own you figure it out. Mistake after mistake, victory after victory. On your own.

I may have lacked attention growing up, but I never felt like no one didn't love me and I questioned myself over that. Why do people love me, why do people stick around? Why do some others go?

You cannot mistake attention with love, it's not even remotely the same thing and it can't be associated one with the other. I would almost like to say I don't like attention, but that would be a lie because the common thing we tend to do is take acts of service, a form of attention, as a gesture of love.

And I love love.

Now I feel the most loved I've ever had. Sadly, it's weird for me because I haven't been able to feel this much peace in my entire life, probably. It's odd to have some peace of mind and it shouldn't be.

I feel so loved. Harry loves me so much that he actually wants to live with me. How insane does that sound?

He wants to share space with me. He wants to share memories. He wants me to be a part of his life, even more permanently now. He wants to marry me. Eventually, of course, but he wants those things. With me!

How weird is it?

I have always wanted those things for myself, to have Harry in the way I do, but I have never had the time to project forward on my life, mostly because I am tremendously anxious but it's simple. I see my future, and there's Harry in it, no one else.

It feels like I am about to be woken up from a dream, a very cruel one but this is my life now and I shouldn't torture myself for having good things. Like the lips of my boyfriend spreading kisses all over my cheeks to wake me up.

His lips are so delicate. They close on the side of my face, trailing down to the skin of my neck so he can find the weakest spot, a move that will ensure me waking up. His eyelashes trickle on my jawline and he tightens his arms around me, bringing me impossibly closer.

"Sunshine, wake up." His words remind me of the ones of my mum. He has never called me sunshine before but it feels like a soft touch to my heart. It messes with my head and my stability, to feel this much love.

But who wants stability when these strong arms are wrapped around you, and you know they won't let you go for at least half an hour.

"Baby, you've slept so much." Harry's voice is delicate and groggy, not like he just woke up. He probably did a while ago. "You're the one usually waking me up, what's been going on with you lately?"

"I am jetlagged, bub." My voice comes out as hoarse so he smiles, taking one hand away from my waist to remove the hair from my face as his lips move back under my ear. "You make this feel like heaven, why would I want to wake up?"