tryst [third] // h.s

3.03

Chapter three

Zara Malik

There's a reason why no one makes songs about turning 23 years old. Because it fucking sucks.

There's no middle ground, I am it. I'm supposed to have my life in order but I'm still too young to rent a car in California? It makes no sense. It's a stupid age and it makes me feel old.

It doesn't help that Harry got id'd last night but when they turned to me they were like "Yeah, not you. You're fine." That look they gave made me feel worse and I think I might be transiting through my quarter-life crisis.

I need naps throughout the day. My body can only handle three cocktails a night. And I swear my back started hurting out of nowhere. I get tired, and I feel out of breath but it might be that I haven't worked out in more than two weeks.

I just want to sleep in my bed.

There's a reason why I don't like celebrating my birthday and it's because something bad always happens. It's been five years since I have spent a birthday with Harry while we are on good terms and I'm terrified.

The first one was when I turned 18. We were freshly out of The X Factor and we went out with Zayn and Louis but Harry picked me up from the bar because I got too drunk. I barely remember that night.

My 19th birthday is a blur. I didn't spend it with Harry and I'm pretty sure we weren't on good terms. We both started touring apart and Aimee became a nightmare to work with. The only thing I do remember about that night is a party I didn't want, with people I did not like or know, and some of them doing coke. Which ultimately freaked me out, because it's something I have always wanted to stay away from.

The night I turned 20 was spent in between sobs because I had finally realized I had feelings for Harry but he was with someone else. He didn't even text me and I remember it being the most heartbreaking feeling ever. Because it didn't matter that I had lost my job, my record label, and dropped my management. That didn't hurt, but Harry not calling...that tore me apart.

When I turned 21, Harry and I had broken up since the first time dating and it was awful. Cassie attempted to cheer me up, took me to Las Vegas, and patched up my broken heart but something was missing and it ended up with me getting drunk on fancy champagne. Alone, crying, and calling Harry on the number I had blocked so he wouldn't insist.

Later on, I would come to find out that Harry had spent that same night with someone else, which is so beyond the point but it's what takes me to my latter birthday catastrophe.

Where do I start?

Harry and I's biggest fight so far, which began more than a month earlier than the night of my 22nd birthday. It's a period of my life I don't recognize myself because I wasn't doing good mentally.

I was irritable, stubborn, mean, and even violent. I don't want to remember it because it hurts me every time, that I said all the terrible things I did to Harry, and that he so quickly forgave me when I could have never.

That person is behind me, and I am not ever going back.

And I know that if my happiness revolves around Harry then it's not true happiness but he does influence a lot of my mood and my overall contentment. I will be honest with myself, having him by my side, while we are in a very good place in our relationship, it's all I could ever need.

This morning he woke me up with so many kisses it felt like I was melting with his touch. He brought me a mini breakfast snack before we have brunch with the rest of the family.