We Always Survive ♥ (A Damon and Elena Fanfic)

Chapter 5 - Never Let Me Go

Elena POV 12/27 11:00am-11:00pm

My eyes flutter open and I recognize my room, the brightness filling it. Rubbing my head, I try to remember the night before. As I collect my thoughts, I walk over to my window. I know what happened last night, Damon died. Damon Salvatore was dead. I knew what happened, but I couldn't accept it. Grief wracked my body with pain as the first teardrop was about to fall. As the despair consumed me, I fell to the floor and wept. It felt as though this sadness would never end. The doorknob turned and Caroline and Bonnie came in. Bonnie sat on the floor next to me while Caroline sat on the window bench right above me.

"Elena, I'm sorry," Caroline's apology rang through the silent room as I stared off into space, "I shouldn't have been so judgmental. I didn't realize just how much you cared for him." Silence filled the room for a few minutes until I spoke up.

"I've lost so many people," I whispered, "and each time, I feel this hole in my heart. All these people, I cared for or loved, but this... This is different. I feel like- like it's not the same," my breathing is choppy as I try to keep my composure, "It's not like I've lost someone I've loved, it's like..." I trial off, looking down and squeezing the tears in my eyes, "It's like I've lost part of myself."

Bonnie and Caroline sit in silence, and I can tell they're hurting as well. They may not have been the biggest fan, especially Caroline, but Damon was still their friend. He had saved both of them several times, and they know how much I loved him. Or at least they did now. They try talking to me, bringing up conversations or finding ways to distract me from him, but it doesn't work. I'm so miserable sitting here thinking about him. I stand up without warning and startle the two of them. Caroline jumps up.

"Elena? Are you okay??" She sounds worried about me. I turn to her and nod.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just need to go on a walk alone." Caroline looks at Bonnie as if urging her to say something. Bonnie speaks up.

"Ar-Are you sure you'll be okay on your own?" Her voice is laced with concern, but I give them a weak smile.

"I'll be fine. I promise." With that, I braid my hair, put on a long-sleeve dress with a belt and boots, and walk out the door. Heading down the steps, I hear Caroline whispering to Bonnie. She's worried about leaving me alone in 'my state.' Worried she will change her mind and try to stop me, I run out the door and head to the woods. After running for a couple of minutes, I slow my pace to a stroll and look around. The sun is streaming through the trees and glistening off the dew covered leaves. The cool December air chills my skin, but it doesn't bother me. The woods are so silent, I can hear the leaves rustle under the feet of small animals, but nothing else. I don't hear anything, I don't feel anything. It's like I'm in an empty space, a void of time. Making the mistake of letting the thought of Damon cross my mind, all my memories flood back in and suddenly the tears flood down as well. I grab a tree and lean against it, letting all of my grief escape. But as much as I cry and as much as I scream, the grief doesn't seem to drain. The sadness and pain tries to envelope my being and it won't release me from its chokehold as much as I surrender to it. I just want it to stop. This pain- it needs to go away! But it won't. It won't leave me alone. I break part of a tree off and throw it across the forest with a scream. I bury my face in my hands and run the fingers through my hair, falling to the ground.

After what seems to be forever, I finally stand. Still feeling nothing but pain and emptiness, I leave the woods and just walk. It doesn't matter where I'm going or when I get there, I just need to move. I'm so tired of crying, why can't I be strong. It's just like Katherine said, everyone thinks I'm the innocent victim when, in reality, I'm the reason everyone dies. My feet shuffle forward to my unknown destination and I never look up until I recognize the path beneath them. My eyes shift up and I see where I'm at. The Salvatore's. As much as I hesitate, I continue forward into the large mansion. Stefan is still at the lake house with Damon's body. His cold, lifeless body. I walk through the hallway where we first met, or technically the second time, and then into the parlor. The fireplace where we danced is cold and dark, no burning embers or sparks. I feel so overwhelmed, I can't deal with it anymore. I rush over to the bar and grab a bottle of bourbon; I don't care how much I hate it, I need something to take away all of this grief. I empty nearly 2 bottles of hard liquor carry one with me as I stumble up the stairs to Damon's room. The sheets remain white and clean and the rest of the room seems untouched. I let my fingers lightly brush along the bed as I lay down on. Laying on my side, I close my eyes. As much as I try to sleep, however, it avoids me.