Scars and Nightmares

chapter 1

Goitsimedi (GM) Tholo

It was raining badly and I couldn't fall asleep. I got off the mattress and shook my mom gently to wake up. “Mama?” she turned and faced another direction. “Mama!” she mumbled something in her sleep but she didn't wake up.
I stood in front of her for a few minutes thinking she would wake up but she didn't. I saw our stepfather, peeling the blankets off his body and I quickly bent, then crawled into our blankets. If he had noticed that I was up instead of sleeping, hell would have frozen! I spoke too soon, someone removed the blanket off me and pulled me by my legs. I shoot my eyes open and came face to face with our stepfather.
“Shhh, get up and follow me.” refusing would just earn me a punishment. I got up and followed him to where we cooked. Our shack was not big, we used a curtain to separate where we cooked and slept. I looked back and hoped mama could wake up. I didn't want to go anywhere with France.
“Why are you standing over there? Come here!” I slowly made my way to him and he grabbed me.
With a knife on my throat and his big hand over my mouth, making sure I do not scream. I was too terrified to scream. My heart was beating so fast, the neighbours could hear it.
“Undress!”
I swallowed hard and pretended that I did not hear him.
“Goitsimedi?”
“Rra?”
“Who is the adult between me and you?”
“It's you.”
“I said undress.”
I had tears down my face but that didn't scare him. I removed the long nightdress I had on, and my panties. One hand covered my vagina while with the other I tried to cover my chest. He picked me up and put me on the small table we had in our kitchen. I watched him pull down his pants and held his penis. He licked his lips and opened my thighs wider. I closed them and he slapped me.. “what are you trying to do?”
I just shook my head while staring deep into his eyes. “Papa please don't do this.”
“I'm not your father!” he pulled me towards the end of the table, then used his fingers to rub me. He made sure that I do not scream by putting his hand on my mouth...
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Minutes had passed with him still trying to insert his penis... Once he realised that he couldn't insert himself. The little bit that he had managed to shove inside, he kept on moving it in and out of me. All I could do is just cry and pray silently. I wished mama, could wake up and find him.
Judging from the sounds coming from France, he was enjoying himself while I was in pain. He removed his hand and I let out sobs...
I heard faint movement, turning I found Karabo standing by the curtain looking at me. She was only eight years old. I wish she didn't have to see me like this. I tried to signal her to move but she moved closer. Her teary eyes broke my twelve year old soul.
When my siblings were in pain. I was in pain as well.
“Papa, o dirang?” (daddy, what are you doing?) Karabo, said standing next to me.
France, removed his penis from inside me and grabbed Karabo by the throat.. her little feet dangling in the air. “Why are you not sleeping? Children your age are sleeping at this time!” the rage in his eyes, terrified me but seeing how Karabo was struggling to free herself from his tight grip. I removed my naked body off the table and punched him as hard as I could.
My eyes were closed throughout. I had no idea where my punches were landing. All I wanted was for him to leave my baby sister alone. I kept on punching until I heard Karabo, coughing.. that's when I opened my eyes and ran to where she was.
“Are you okay?”
“I'm so scared,” she coughed twice and her eyes had tears in them.  “Goitsimedi.. why was he on top of you, like he always do with mama?”
We watched our stepfather dressing, then walking to us. He had a huge smile on his face. I couldn't understand why he did what he just did. Our life orientation teacher always told us that no one is supposed to touch us inappropriately. If an adult touches us inappropriately, we should tell an adult.
“If you two open those mouths..” he held his knife and indicated that he would slit our throats. “I will kill your mother and make sure you watch.”
He left us there and went back to the ‘bedroom’.