Scars and Nightmares

chapter 27

Terrence Ndlovu

“Rachel what do you mean? I don't think I understand what you're talking about.” we were both getting ready for work when Rachel, decided to rock my boat.

“I want to have children Terry and you know that. I want babies.”

“Rachel..” I held my socks on one hand then sat down with a sigh. “Rachel baby listen.. I'm tired of getting the same results. I've been through this with Okuhle, with you as well. Let's not do this to ourselves.”

“Well I want children and this is the only way we can have our own baby.” I watched Rachel walking around our room in her undergarments. I was fighting a losing battle.

“Surrogacy? Did you think this through baby? You do know this might not work as well right?”

“I will know that I have tried!” she held her dress then turned to me with a scowl on her face. “Or maybe you don't want to have children with me Terry. That's why you're so comfortable talking about Okuhle as though she's still part of you. She is dead!”
Now that was not necessary.

“Really Rachel? How many people told me that we won't work out and that you've always wanted Okuhle’s life but I still chose you?”

“What am I supposed to think Terry when we're having a conversation about us and you bring Okuhle to the picture? Tell me.”

“I don't want to fight with you Rachel, tell me when you're free then we'll go and see someone at the fertility clinic.”
  “Really?” her smile was very contagious.
“If this will make you happy then why not?”
“I love you baby.” she had her arms around my neck and gave me a kiss. “I love you a lot Terry. I don't want to lose you.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” we held on to one another for a while then broke the hug.
  “Babe, I forgot to tell you, I'm going to Limpopo today, mama is not well.”
“If you had told me earlier, I would have made a plan to tag along.”
“No!”
“What do you mean no?”
“It is not necessary my love. You know how dramatic my mom can be, it might just be flu.”
“I really don't mind and it's been forever since I last saw her.”
“We can go some other time..”

Goitsimedi GM Tholo

One less thing on my shoulders, mama had a funeral cover and it was going to cover everything. I had no clue on what I was going to do if she had no cover. I don't work how was I going to pay for the arrangements?
Another weird thing was finding out that our mother wanted to be buried in the North West, where her mother was buried.
We've never heard her speak of her family but this weekend we would meet them for the first time ever. I found a number of her sister amongst her belongings and called her. Luckily she works at Cresta mall and said she would see us today. Very weird that we had a family member so close by yet we never crossed paths.
I fiddled with the brown envelope that had my name on it– I didn't have the guts to open the letter and read it's contents. This December started off on the wrong foot. We've had bad December's but this one was going to take the trophy.
   Some of the neighbours have been coming to offer their condolences and words of encouragement. The amount of making tea for them has left me tired. I wish I could tell them to stop with their fake condolences but that would be very rude.

After sending KB a text to not forget to buy our dresses for the funeral, there was a knock at the door. I should've left with them because if this is someone offering their condolences again I'm going to scream. I placed the phone on the couch armrest then dragged my feet to the door. A thick tall woman stood by the door.
“Hello Goitsimedi.” it was her! I recognised the voice from the phone call, it was her.
“Uhm, hi, tsena..” (enter..) I quickly removed the clothes that were on the couch to make space for her to sit down. “O batla sengwe sa go nwa?” (do you want something to drink?)
“Dula fatshe Goitsimedi.” the authority in her voice, one could not miss it. I sat next to her looking down without knowing what to say to her. I didn't know this woman who is my aunt.
“I’m sorry that we're meeting under such circumstances. How are you doing?”
I didn't know if it was how calm her voice was when she asked this but I felt warmth and a sense of belonging. I burst into tears. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I was tired and exhausted. Crying seemed like the right thing to do at that moment.
“Let it all out nnana, cry it's okay to cry.”