After sex cigarettes // dreamwastaken

XVIII

I turn around to look at the mirror in the lift. "Is it really worth it. I'm not going to let a woman or her son have so much bloody jurisdiction in my life" I talk allowed, I'm fully aware of my insanity that must be seen in the CCTV, my breathing becomes shaky and displaced, the type of breathing after you've been sobbing for hours on end. "Lara you've been through so much worse then this, pull yourself together, you're getting pathetic" I take three deep breaths and smile, the breath still rugged but coming from my nose.

The bing alerts me that I'm at my destination, the smile has slipped so chewing my lip has taken its place. I walk down the hallway to my flat. Of all nights the key is being fiddley and stubborn, the loud eruption of foot steps echos through the empty hall
"Lara, what did my mom say" he can barely get his words out through pants
"I'm not sure clay, I would've thought since you're so far up her arse you would know" I don't turn around but the shaking of rage causes my hands to fault the key even more.
"What do you mean?"
"Are you thick. Your mum is a cruel woman, the slander inwhich she spoke about me is vile. She's a nasty woman, she doesn't deserve your dad, I'd rather end up like mine then have you become like yours" I spit, the key finally slips in the door. I swing the door open and then closed but the door doesn't click
"Shit" he sounds pained
"What now? Christ sake" I spin around doing a 180, he's standing in the door way, well his fingers are in the door the rest of him is outside "why be stupid? Like why?" I open the door, he cradles his hand which already looks bruised "go to the hospital"
"Are you now going to see if I'm okay"
"It's not my problem anymore, go run back to your mummy" I walk to the freezer instinctively
"Lara stop now, please just talk to me" he sits at the dining table and I sit opposite him, placing the frozen carrots onto his bruised knuckles.
"I don't want to talk about it. Your mum said some horrible things about me, like the worst things you think of yourself someone, who's opinion I need, vocalizes. So I think we should just be friends, well not even that, our best friends are together we'll be pleasant, civil"
"No" in all honesty that's what I wanted to hear "give me a second okay" he walks into Enas room and I go into mine.

I get undressed and take my makeup off. I crawl into bed and start to grind my teeth. Through out thinking about the horrible events of the night I hear shouts
"MOM YOU CANT FUCKING SAY THAT" "ITS NOT YOUR PLACE" "DESERVE BETTER? WHAT I DESERVE IS A MOM THAT DOSENT HAVE TO GET INVOLVED" "YOU DONT KNOW HER! IM STARTING TO THINK YOU DONT KNOW ME !"
"HOW CAN YOU CALL YOURSELF MY MOTHER! YOU DONT WANT THE BEST FOR ME CLEARLY!" The shouting continues, calming me slightly.  I try fighting sleep to hear the rest of the argument, tears start to roll down my cheeks and I loose my fight and drift off.

The sun scorches my eyes indicating a new day has come. The space next to me shows signs of being slept in, the messy covers, the smell of cologne but the absence of anyone except a sticky 'c u l8r'. I run a bath. I scrub all of last nights embarrassment off me. I lie in bed for the rest of the day, drifting in and out of consciousness.

"Lara" Enas voice nurses my ears, she curls up in bed next to me "tell me what happened" I let out a shaky breath. I tell her about all the mean things Claire said and she wipes my tears away and they trickle down my face, she starts to cry with me.

A different set of knocks arrive at the door, Nick stands there. He climbs behind Ena,
"Claire's horrible, her opinion dosent have any substance" I cry more as he comforts me "she's called me a hobo, a sponge, chubby. The list goes on and on. You have to learn to ignore her. You should've been there when clay told his mom he wasn't going to college but playing games instead" he pauses "George and I were on discord and all we could hear was her telling him that he was 'bringing shame to the family'. The funny thing is she never went to college. So I think that she's jealous of us, she was bread born and raised to have kids. She has no life other then clay, Lacey, Ava and Tristan." I stop crying, just tears flow but I'm not crying "because clay is so similar to his dad, I think she didn't want you to be happy with him. She didn't like Carly, just because she'd cheat and act up causing so much hassle, but Carly was useless, she couldn't butter bread,so I think Claire was happy with her because she was like Carly. I mean clay was putting up with Carly until" he trails off
"Until what nick ?" Ena moves to look at him
"We'll until we went to Disney, had our little date, all of that good stuff"
"So until he met Lara" nick nods
"It was crazy! They'd argue constantly, she'd threaten to face reveal him. Honestly every night without fail, this happened for a few weeks" a comfortable silence falls until the front door opens and shuts and then my bedroom door squeaks open.
"Can I have Lara please" his voice is rough and soft. With his orders Nick and Ena leave.

I keep my eyes closed so I can't see him but I feel the bed sink.
"Lara" he starts "I'm really sorry. My mom, well my mom is selfish. She wants what's best for her. I should've never let her speak to you like that at dinner, or in my house, I'm sorry" a sole tear rolls down my cheek, I sniffle
"It's fine. no harm done" I smile now looking at him
"So we're good?"
"Yep, I mean we are friends aren't we, I don't stay angry at people long"
"Wait what do you mean?"
"We're friends, and we probably always will be" I smile, but it's not a smile of happiness, well mine anyway. It's a smile for his. His mum was right I can't be good enough for him. He's a god.
"So we're not 'us' anymore?"
"I don't think there ever was an 'us', you were killing time until you can find someone that can actually make you happy" I hate myself for saying this I hate it so much. I hate breathing right now. I hate that I can hear his uneven breath. "You'll find her, I can promise you that, here I'll even help" he sits up in bed and I see his hand "look at you" I take his cast bound hand into mine "I'm so sorry for this, if I knew you'd follow me I would've never slammed the door." He removes his hand from mine. I look up at him, his silence unnerves me, I open my mouth to close the silence but I'm beat to it.
"You're fucking joking! I don't want tp speak to you if you think you weren't good enough. You were. You are! There will never be a person better suited to me then you. I know you're lying to yourself and me, so until then I'd prefer of we don't stay friends. I don't want any other fucking friends, I want you! Oh my fucking god. You must be blind or dumb or both. I fucking love you, I know you weren't with me for money. I fucking love you and this is how you deal with it, by breaking up with me" I storms out, slamming my bedroom door. "Nick I'll see you at home" he bellows before the front door slams shut. I turn over and sob. I'm not much of a crier, however recently contractive, but I cry till my eyes dry up and my body falls into slumber.

———————————————————

Posted 12/11/21
              08:35