Riptide

Chapter Nine: The Truth

I wake up to the sound of Tammy throwing up in the bathroom next to our bedroom. I sit up in bed and instantly I am struck with a headache. I groan, and close my eyes, leaning my head against the wall.

I hear the bathroom door open, and then the bedroom door, and I expect it's Tammy, but when I open my eyes Ryan is standing in front of me. He's wearing only plain black boxers.

'I was just checking on her,' he explains. 'And I thought I should check on you too. Are you okay?'

I close my eyes because tears spring to the corner of my eyes, and shake my head without meaning to. I feel the bed compress and Ryan's hand on my arm.

'Indy,' he says gently, but I shrink away from his touch.

He recoils. 'Did I do something wrong?'

I bite my lip, unable to meet his sharp green gaze. 'No, I did.'

'What are you talking about?' he asks.

I take a shuddering breath, realising I'm about to cry again. 'Two years ago,' I say. 'You know what happened.'

'Indy,' he says gently. 'You don't have to worry about that. It's all in the past.'

But I shake my head, closing my eyes to will back tears but they well up anyway. My breathing is choked. 'I fucked up,' I say. 'I made a mistake.'

'Indy,' he repeats, and he puts his arm around me. I tense at his touch, but then I feel his warm skin and realise how different it is to Nathan's and I relax. This is Ryan.

'I'm a slut,' I whisper. 'That's what he said. And he's right, and I bet you'd call me that too, but you're too nice.'

Ryan tenses, and twists to face me, but I close my eyes and lean back into his chest, wishing that I could just hug him and not have this conversation.

'Indy,' Ryan says firmly. 'Did he say that last night?'

'Yes,' I say weakly. 'He's right.'

'He's not fucking right,' Ryan says sharply. 'He's wrong.'

I shake my head. 'You're just trying to make me feel better.'

'Indy,' Ryan says, this time gruffly. 'Open your eyes and look at me.'

'I'm hungover,' I mutter. I open my eyes, squinting in the brightness. His blonde hair is golden in the sunlight streaming through the window.

'You drank too much,' he says. 'And I can't believe you spent time with Nathan. You need to stay away from him. But I won't let him get close to you again.'

'No, Ryan,' I say. 'He doesn't want me. He doesn't want to be played.'

Ryan growls. 'He's a dickhead, Indy. I'm not letting him anywhere near you. He'll hurt you again. I won't see you hurt again.'

'But that's wrong,' I say, shaking my head. 'I hurt you.'

Ryan sighs and leans back against the wall. I want to lean against him again, but I can't, so I sit up, hugging my knees to me.

'You really want to talk about this?' he asks.

I shake my head.

'Indy, you didn't hurt me,' he says, ignoring me. 'Well, not in the way you think.'

I bite my lip.

He reaches out and places his hand on my knee. 'You're wrong about what happened that summer,' he says.

I shake my head. 'I'm not wrong. We had sex and then I got with Nathan. I betrayed you. I'm sorry. And now I'm doing it all again. I'm just being a slut.'

'Don't call yourself that,' Ryan says harshly. 'That's the stupidest word, and you know it. The Indy I know is stronger than this. You don't let little words like that bring you down.'

'But it's true,' I say.

'No, it's not,' he says. 'Please listen to me, okay? That summer, I loved you. We were young and we spent every day together, in the surf, and every night in the park, or my bedroom when my parents were out. And I loved you, but I know you never felt the same. So when we had sex, yes, of course it was the most amazing thing in the world, and I really loved it, but I didn't expect anything from you. I didn't expect you to love me. I didn't expect you to be my girlfriend or anything. We went to school in different states, so I knew it wouldn't work. And then after we have sex it got really awkward, I know. That was my fault. I had to stop myself from wanting more. I wanted to keep doing it. I've never felt that way about anyone. But I knew you didn't want it so I pulled back.'

I cover my face with my hands.

'Listen,' Ryan says, prising my fingers off my face. He holds my hands in my lap. 'The thing with Nathan. You don't know what really happened.'

'Of course I know what happened,' I murmur, but Ryan is shaking his head.

'It was the first time you really got drunk,' he says. 'You blacked out. You don't remember everything.'

'I remember what happened,' I say, thinking back. The cloudy sky. The roiling waves. The smell of rain mixed with the smell of salt. Alcohol on his breath.

Ryan shakes his head. 'You were talking with that Nathan guy, and then you started making out, and it hurt me, okay? But I didn't own you, and you're allowed to do whatever you want. But I could see you were really drunk, and then he wanted to take you back to his house.'

'But you got angry and stepped in,' I say, remembering Ryan yelling. The cloudy sky. The smell of salt.

'No,' Ryan says, moving his hands in frustration. 'God, Indy, no. I let you go. I shouldn't have let you go. I never wanted to let you go.'

I tense, looking at him. There's pain in his beautiful green eyes.

'But then Kris said you hadn't come home and I got worried, and I found out where he lived. It was like, I don't know, three am, and you knew your Mum wouldn't let you sleep at anyone's house.'

My stomach jolts. I stare into Ryan's face.

'I'm sorry,' he says. 'You don't remember this.'

I feel sick. 'Why don't I remember this?'

'You were drunk. You blacked out. When I got to his house you were passed out. I don't know what he'd done. You weren't wearing clothes.'

My breath catches and I move backwards on the bed.

Ryan runs a hand through his blonde hair, frustrated. 'I'm sorry,' he says again. 'I didn't know how much you remembered. But he took you home and you were too drunk to remember any of it. You were passed out in his bed, naked, and so I took you home. And I know you think that I was mad because I was jealous and I wanted you to be mine, but it wasn't that. I wasn't mad at you. I was mad at him. So I'm sorry that you thought that you'd betrayed me. I was never yours to betray. But then you didn't come to the beach house last year and you moved to Europe and I thought you might be okay. Until last night. I don't want to let him anywhere near you, but I didn't want to tell you what to do. I'm so sorry he said those things. Just know that it's not true. There is no such thing as a slut. I was never angry with you.'

He leans forward and wraps me into his arms. I close my eyes and lean against his chest, terrified of the things I can't remember. Ryan is safe and warm, and he holds me, waiting until my breathing has settled. Then he gently untangles himself from me and lays me back down in the bed. 'Go back to sleep, Indy. I'll be in my room if you need me.'

I nod and bite my lip, watching him go. He stops at the door and turns back to look at me. He leans his head against the open door, watching me for a moment, and then he leaves.

// Author's Note

Hey guys! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please don't forget to comment and vote :) x Ellen