New memories

Chapter 3

I hoped that by Nanna's bedtime, Bucky would have come back, but nothing. I got Nanna to sleep and went downstairs to the kitchen. I usually prepare some meals for Nanna at the night-time when I don't have to worry about her. It took me about an hour to prepare meals for few days and clean after me. During that time, I kept talking with Nat, Steve, and Tony. None of them mentioned Bucky at all. I think that they have talked about it when I wasn't around. They probably thought that it would be better to give me something else to think about.

Nat told us news about Wanda and Vision. After their last mission, Wanda and Vision decided to take a break. They went on a vacation about two weeks ago. Apparently, they are having good time on their trip and have decided to stay a little longer. Tony keeps wondering if they will come back at all. Wanda's powers are greater than any of the other's, maybe that's why Tony is little bit worried. After all, Thor has returned almost fully to lead Asgard's army. The Avengers' group is getting smaller and smaller. Because of that, they have had more missions with the CIA, FBI, and other bureaus. I remember them telling few months ago about a joined mission with the CIA in Sokovia, or what was left of Sokovia after Ultron. They worked with a former SHIELD agent Sharon Carter.

The mission with the CIA was a disaster. The Avengers did their part, and everything was great but after they left, something went wrong. There was an explosion and civilian casualties. Everyone was devastated. The press told that it was the criminals that had set the bombs in case they get caught, but we knew that it was the CIA that set them so no one could get away. The Avengers haven't worked with Sharon Carter or the agency since. She tried to talk to Steve and Tony afterwards, but they didn't want to hear her excuses. She even tried to get close to Steve and convince him that it wasn't her fault. She told him that she had no idea that the agency had set the bombs. Steve believed her and so we let everything be. It wasn't our place to investigate it anymore, since Sharon told us that the CIA did internal investigation and nothing suspicious was found. Still, it keeps hunting Tony and Steve, and I don't think that they can ever let it go. Nat looks like she has moved on, but I can tell that she is worried about Tony and especially Steve.

We keep talking about missions and after that I tell them what we talked about with Thor. I told them that I have been thinking about going to Asgard and staying there for a while. They seem sad but understanding. "I do need to talk with Bucky first. And I wouldn't leave without telling all of you guys. I just think that I have been gone for too long and I miss Loki, Funí and everyone in Asgard.", I explain to them. Nat comes to hug me. "I get it. Maybe a vacation would do good for you and Bucky.", she tells me, and I quickly answer, "I don't think that Bucky is going to have a vacation, he probably goes with Thor on some stupid quest again.".

I leave them to the kitchen and go check on Nanna. I know she is still sleeping because I have the baby monitor that Tony upgraded. The monitor has some sort of software that Tony developed, and it is amazing and helpful because it connects to the compounds system. But I still like to keep my own eyes on her, just to be sure. I get to our room and notice that the door is open. I sneak to the doorway silently to see who is inside. I find Bucky standing next to the crib. He is leaning above Nanna and just looking at her. He is smiling and humming something to her. I keep looking at them and smiling. These are the only moments nowadays that I can see the old Bucky that I fell in love with. I move closer to them, and I hear what Bucky is singing to her. "There shall no one come to harm thee. Naught shall ever break thy rest. Sleep my darling babe in quiet...", Bucky sings, but he stops when he realizes that I am there.

"I didn't hear you. I'm sorry.", he says to me. I move closer to him and hug him gently. "Please keep singing, it sounded beautiful.", I tell him. I rest my head on his chest and he keeps humming. Nanna sleeps quietly. She looks so peaceful and beautiful. I still can't believe that this innocent little person is our child. "I want to talk with you. Not here, I don't want to wake her up. Can we go for a walk?", I ask him and he just nods.

We walked in the garden for a while and stopped to sit on a bench. I knew that this was going to be difficult, but it has to be done. "I miss you. Well, we miss you. I know that it keeps you busy, going on the quests with Thor and missions with the Avengers. I am not saying that you need to stop, but I really need you. She is growing so fast and soon she is going to be asking where her father is. What am I going to tell her?", I start the conversation. Bucky is sitting right next to me. He is leaning his elbows on his knees and holding his head on his hand. For a while, he just sits there silently. Then he lifts his head up and just looks at his hands. "There is a lot in my head that I don't understand. I can still remember everything I did when I was the Winter Soldier. It doesn't go away, and it never will. You know I still have nightmares. You don't ask me about them anymore because you know that I don't want to talk about them. Yeah, I know that every time I wake up during night, you also wake up, you just try to look like you are sleeping.", he finally opens up. He takes a breath and continues, "I don't want to burden you with the details that concern my past. I know that you probably think that it means that I don't trust you but that is not true. I love you and I trust you. I just don't want you to worry about my past.".

"I wouldn't worry, if you talked to me.", I start to answer him, but I realize that I am sounding angry. "I'm sorry! I don't want to fight.", I apologize to him. He puts his arm around me and pulls me closer to him. He kisses my forehead and continues. "You don't have to apologize. I am sorry about everything. The fight in the kitchen. Being away all the time. I am sorry! I am just worried about everything. Everything that has happened to me, I fear that someday I might hurt you or even worst hurt Nanna. You two are the only good things that I have in my life. I never, ever, want to hurt you!", he starts to cry a little. I tell him that I know he would never hurt us, and I snuggle closer to him and for a while we just sit there silently.

"Thor asked us to visit Asgard for some time. I wanted to speak to you about this. What do you think? I know it is a change, but I am not talking about moving in there. I just miss my brothers, the phoenixes, and the dragons. What do you say? Should we go there and spend some time at the palace?", I ask Bucky. He looks at me and I can see that he is thinking about the possibilities. "If you want it, I will make it happen.", he answers to me and kisses me.