Random Thoughts...

Over Thinking

I'm laying in bed, I roll over and try to think of something else, anything else, but every bit of my body is becoming uncomfortable. I can't sit still now. I start to shake my foot, willing the thoughts to go away, willing to have control of my own body, my own thoughts. But my mind thinks for itself more than I do.

My mind will take things and overthink it. It will overthink doing things to the point I can't think of anything till I HAVE to do this thing.

Both locks are locked on the door, the porch light is on. I KNOW it is, I did it before I brushed my teeth. Then Jenny (my little sister) checked it after too. But I can't stop thinking about it.

I have to get up to check the locks and porch light. What if someone opened the door because I didn't check the lock? This is the night the house will be robbed just because I didn't check the locks and porch light.

10 minutes have passed now, 10 minutes spent trying to feel in control, wasted. I'm not in control, I don't have control of my body in the end.

I get up and out of my bed and check the locks and light. I was right, mind. I didn't need to get out of bed, the door was locked and the porch light was on.

I go back to bed and lay down and go back under the covers. By now the melatonin I took when I first laid down has worn off from being in my head too much. I'll just wait for a bit to see if I'll REALLY need it. I thought.

I shake my foot and try to quiet my mind. If I'm lucky I'll get a few minutes of thoughts I chose but then the bouncing ball takes off again. My mind chooses to think of something else. What will I overthink today? I always ask my mind before bed because I know going to sleep won't be easy.

This time my mind thinks about how we are always told "You are just like your mother" or "your father" from the day we were born. I mean how can my baby face look like that of my 20 yr old mothers? A thing that hits me, living with my mother and stepfather is I'm never told "You're just like your father" although my eyes are the same color, same strong bones, and in some other ways than physical appearances I must be like him in some other way, yes? People are made up of two people's genetics, not one, but with living with only one of those parents we are almost always told we are just like that parent, from them and people who know them. But what if you lived with the other genetic parent? Those you also share blood with? Would you also be told you're always like them? Nature VS nurture they say but there has to be some part of me that belongs to both my parents, some part of me that's like both of them no matter the life I live/lived.

People don't know what "yourself" is till they say "You're not acting like yourself" but in reality what if I was just not acting like that parent everyone assumes I am like? What even defines "Yourself"? Well I can't answer that. But when I have a daughter or son or both they will also be told "Your just like your mother" or "Your just like your father" and in this cycle I am like my fathers mother mother father mother father fathers mother that no one alive even knows. But that's how it goes isn't it?

Now another half hour has passed, I can't sleep, I can't shut off my mind.

Did I lock the door and turn on the light?