Call Out My Name (Darkiplier x Reader)

Ten - The Afternote

Months have past since this chapter of his life has ended... but some things stuck with him. A notebook was found nearby the property you were last seen at, it's time we take a look through.

9.27.21

I Miss You

I miss you. It's a simple statement, when said too much- gets drained from all the emotion that it once had... but for me, it's overflowing. It's brimmed with happy mistakes and bitter love. My undying hatred for my own guilt... it all comes back to you. Why is it you, my love. Why is it only you in my mind when I think about my future, my life.

My mind, body, heart is in the past-- memorizing every word you've ever said to me, in hopes that it could bring back the pure bliss I had when I shattered your heart repeatedly. Is it bad that I enjoyed it? That I didn't care? As you said, my feelings weren't on your radar-- but for me... it was a far more severe case. Whenever you said something was slightly wrong, I would ignore it-- happy with my resentful affection and aggravated love for you... the love to use yours until it's all gone.

I was fueled by it, satisfied by your pain, by your attention. Your eyes on me, broken, while mine are filled with power. Was it okay? No. I didn't care that I was doing things that broke you until it was over, that supply of love was gone. What do I do with this now burning guilt in my stomach, constantly growing and shrinking at the mere thought of you. The need to break this more and more, until it's in small glass fibers- able to be breathed. Such an intoxicating breath it is.

Even when I am regretful of my actions, learning from them - I am still blind to your perspective. I am still naive as I once was, filled with saddened rage-- my heart constantly burning. I am my own self-sabotage. I am the victim to myself.

I wish I was sorry for my past, but alas, I am not. I am sorry for the present. The present I gave to you -- offering it after shoving you away from me, my life - to give you the best of my worst. I am sorry for how things have ended... but I could never be sorry for my greed- never. I can never take back my meaningless words... but I will say one that sums up all my emotions now;

I miss you.

10.31.21

Til' Death Do Us Part

My darling, you make bullet wounds look so pretty, so... appetizing. Your pain and pleasure are pleasing to my eyes, and doesn't that make you so happy? Aren't you almost, eager to satisfy my needs... even when it breaks you into pieces?

Why do you question me, even though I know what is best for you, my beloved? I know you hate crying, but when you sob my name-- in whatever context, it lets me know I have such a damned effect on you, on your subconscious. Knowing you think about me, knowing you hate having me on your mind... is gratifying.

Your suffering makes my heart beat faster, this licorice-colored blood boil through my veins. My skin burns a beautiful color red when you say you hate me- as I know you're lying. How could you hate me, when I am the one who gave you life? How could you despise me, want me dead, when all you think about is a happy life together? You need me. It's a shame that you don't come to terms with this greed deep in your stomach.

This condition, that you are in, why do you blame it on me? You lured yourself into this trap. You let me feast on your willpower, your love, your emotion- until you've run dry. Now, you're in my arms, leeching off of my bare necessity of validation and acceptance. I am all you need, and you see that- and you use that. If anything, you're using me.

But, like you, I am okay with you using me. It's an equal give-and-take. I don't see why this is a dilemma in your eyes... are you shy of being selfish? Are you avoiding who you truly are? Do you think, this need to acquire your secret unutterable, verboten, taboo desires- as malevolent? You will soon learn that this will forever be a part of you. You must embrace it, express it- to get what you wish for. There's no good way to just ask for these heedless doings.

I love you, my darling. I will see you soon.

Happy Halloween, and have a fantastic new year x