The Marauders Guide on How to Have a Good Time At Hogwarts - Story Edition

We are not allowed to ask Professor Slughorn if the potion we are brewing...

 ... that day would be an acceptable substitute to use as a sexual lubricant.

"Today we are going to be brewing an agility potion. This is to help increase the physical capabilities of the drinker. For example, after drinking this potion one may feel an increase of energy as well as find they have the ability to run a little faster or longer."

"Professor Slughorn?" Sirius raised his hand.

"Now, before you ask, let me remind you all that this potion is strictly banned from all competitive competitions and sports. Yes, that includes Quidditch," he added shooting a look at a Slytherin student who seemed to deflate back into their seat, "Any student caught playing whilst under the influence of an agility potion will be suspended and will likely lose their spot on the team."

"Not like any of my team would need this potion anyway," James muttered under his breath, "We're undefeated. Best team I've had since I became captain."

"This is only your second year of being captain," Remus answered softly, glancing up nervously at Slughorn to make sure they weren't caught for talking during the introductory lecture.

"I know what I said," James asserted, learning further back in his seat as he crossed his arms.

"Professor Slughorn?" Sirius asked again, ignoring the two boys sitting on either side of him.

Slughorn ignored Sirius and pointed to the black board, "Here is a list of ingredients you'll need for your potion. Instructions are in your text on page 46. The potion needs a period of no less than 36 hours for maturation, so I expect you all to brew up to that point before leaving class today."

Sirius waved his arm again, finally getting the attention of their Professor.

With a sigh, Slughorn conceded, "Yes, Mr. Black, what is your question?"

"So, according to the book, this potion's final appearance should be a little thick and smooth in texture, is that correct?"

"That is correct," Slughorn answered slowly, leaning back against the front of his desk.

"So, would you then say that this potion may be a good substitute for a lubrication?"

There was a brief moment of silence before a group of students in the back started snickering.

"Pardon me?" Professor Slughorn asked, as though he wasn't sure he had heard his student correctly.

Sirius elaborated, "So, if I was in a bind, and I needed a substitute for a lubrication – "

James moaned, covering his face with his hands and sunk a little further into his seat, "Sirius, shut up."

" – could I use an agility potion for that purpose. I mean, obviously, if I drank it, it would enhance my experience overall, as I would have more energy to participate in additional vigorous activities one may find themselves too tired for after the first round – "

Several more students started snickering while the majority of students adopted similar poses to James' with their bright red faces buried deep in their hands.

James repeated again, "Shut up, shut up, shut up."

Sirius continued, " – However, drinking the potion wouldn't help my situation if I was out of lubrication in the first place. Would there be benefits to using this potion instead? Would some of its effects be implemented if I applied the potion topically, rather than orally as it was originally designed to do?"

James moaned, daring a glance over at Remus whose cheeks were flushed pink, but was watching him amused.

"Uncomfortable?" Remus mouthed to James with a smirk. James merely glared in return.

"Mr. Black," Slughorn finally spoke, trying to wrap his mind around Sirius' question, "Are you asking me if you can use this potion as a lubricant during sexual intercourse?"

James coughed on his own spit, gasping for breath as his eyes watered, his face an even deeper shade of red having heard their Potions Master utter the words 'sexual intercourse'.

Sirius pounded on his back a few times as he answered Slughorn, "Yes."

"Mr. Black," Slughorn answered crossly, "Please refrain from using any potion in any other way than its original intended use."

Sirius opened his mouth, but Slughorn cut him off, "That includes putting an agility potion on your genitals."

James moaned and ignored Remus' snickers at his discomfort.

"But Professor," Sirius started, yelping when James kicked him hard in the shin.

"What was that for?" Sirius grumbled, bending over to rub the tender spot.

"Please, for the love of Merlin, shut up," James implored.

"No!" Sirius answered, banging his fist hard against the table knocking over a couple of empty potion vials and sending them crashing to the floor, "these are the kinds of questions that the people deserve to have answered!"

Remus pulled out his wand and flicked it with a smooth motion, "repario", fixing the glass the had just been broken.

"This potion is only to be used orally," Professor Slughorn answered firmly, "Understood?"

Sirius grumbled as he sat further back in his seat, displeased that the conversation did not go as he had hoped.

Slughorn nodded satisfied and pointed again to the board, "Page 46. You have an hour and a half. Please begin."

Sirius turned to look at James, ignoring the eyes of most of his classmates staring in their direction, "Your embarrassment to talk about anything sex-related astounds me."

"I can talk about –", James glanced around to make sure people were finally starting to lose interest and begin making their potions before whispering, "sex. It's just talking about it in a classroom full of people with our professor that I have an issue with."

Peter turned around, glancing at the three of them, having been paired with another group for class that day, and inserted, "Hey James? Is something wrong? Your face is bright red."

James groaned, his face flushing even darker as he quickly covered his face with his hands, cursing his three friends who merely laughed at his expense.