The Marauders Guide on How to Have a Good Time At Hogwarts - Story Edition

We are not allowed to put a cow on the roof of Hogwarts.

"Explain to me again how you got the cow on the roof," Professor McGonagall ordered, staring up at the top of the school from the balcony they were standing on.

"It was pretty simple, actually," Sirius explained, "We just got some hay and lured it into the school, through the corridors, and up the stairs until we reached the balcony we're standing on currently and it hopped up onto the roof. Simple."

"How did you get it through the castle without anyone noticing?" The professor asked bewildered.

"Oh, I'm pretty sure several students noticed," Peter answered, yelping when James kicked his ankles, but finishing determinedly, "I just don't think they cared."

Professor McGonagall ignored the two of them, "Where did you even get the cow in the first place?"

"The barman over at the Hogs Head has a few," James answered.

Professor McGonagall paused for a few moments, digesting the information in her mind before simply asking, "Why?"

"Sometimes I find it best not to ask that question and simply accept the facts as they are presented to you," Remus answered honestly.

The annoyed professor sighed and pointed to the cow, "Just get it off of the roof. Now."

"Yes ma'am," Sirius said with a cheeky salute, before turning to the cow on the roof, "Come here Rufus."

The cow ignored him.

"Pretty sure his name isn't Rufus," James commented.

"Pretty sure it was," Sirius argued.

"Wasn't Rufus the one with the weird spotting on its back?" Peter asked.

"No, that was Paxton," Remus answered, "Remember? Because Sirius made that awful Pox joke right after?"

"Awful?" Sirius asked in mock offense, "I think the word you were looking for was brilliant."

"Gentlemen! Please!" McGonagall interupted, rubbing her temples, "Focus on the task at hand."

"Of course, Professor," James answered, "Come here cow. You can come off the roof now."

The cow turned to James and moo'd.

"Come on boy," Sirius added, motioning for the cow to step forward.

The cow took a step forward before mooing in distress and taking a step back.

"Huh," Sirius said, scratching his head.

"Well, that was weird," James added.

"It almost seems like the cow can't...get down," Remus observed.

"I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that cows can't climb down things like stairs. This probably applies to that too," Peter stated matter-of-factly.

The other three boys turned to him.

"What?" Remus said dumbly.

"You didn't think to tell us this information before we put the cow on the roof?" James asked incrediously.

"You read something and remembered it?" Sirius added.

Peter ignored Sirius, "I didn't think about it at the time. It's not one of those facts that you normally talk about in normal conversation."

"Since when do we have normal conversations?" James asked, gesturing to the four of them.

"Fair point," Peter conceeded.

Remus sighed, "Next time you have an obscure fact in your mind that may be in regards to something we're doing, please speak up."

"Normally when I speak up, Sirius tells me to shut up and stop poking logic holes into his plan," Peter pointed out.

"Boys!" McGonagall shouted, "I don't care how you do it, but get the cow off the roof. Now."

She walked swiftly down the stairs, calling up behind her, "I will be in my office waiting. I expect you boys to be there in the next half an hour."

"Will do!" James shouted behind her, waiting until she faded from sight before asking, "How the hell are we supposed to get this cow off the roof?"

Sirius shrugged, "Beats me. I say we leave it."

"And get into worse trouble than we're already in?" Peter shook his head nervously, "No thank you."

"We could always try levitating it," Remus suggested.

"And risk hurting the cow?" Peter shouted, startling the other three.

"It's not gonna hurt the cow," Remus assured him.

"You don't know that!" Peter argued.

"Well, that sounds like the best plan we've got," James pointed out, "So, Pete, you're gonna go downstairs and let us do what we need to do."

"But - "

"Go."

Peter huffed before heading down the stairs.

"Alright, Remus, you're probably best at Charms, so why don't you try -,"

"What about me?" Sirius interupted.

"What about you?" James asked.

"I'm also pretty good at Charms," he insisted.

James rolled his eyes, "Fine. Sirius, why don't you try levitating the cow. Just from the ledge to the balcony."

"Right-o," Sirius saluted, raising his wand and shouting, "Wingardium Leviosa."

Nothing happened.

"Remus?" James turned, indicating that he take a shot.

"Wingardium Leviosa," Remus said swishing and flicking his wand in the cow's direction.

Nothing.

"Ha!" Sirius spoke triumphantly, "So it wasn't me that was the problem!"

"Perhaps if the three of us try the spell together," Remus suggested.

James shrugged, "Worth a shot."

THe three of them pointed their wands at the unsuspecting cow signaling to eachother before speaking in unison, "Wingardium Leviosa."

The cow moo'd as it was lifted from the roof tiles.

"Brilliant!" James shouted, "Now, onto the balcony!"

"Why not just drop it down over the edge?" Sirius asked, pointing out, "It'd be less time."

"And risk killing the thing?" James shouted, "Neither the barman nor Pete would be happy with us. Just set it down here."

"Ugh, fine," SIrius agreed, following James' lead and setting the cow onto the ground.

"Alright," James said with a sigh, glancing down the stairs behind them, "Now we just gotta do that for eight more floors and we'll be solid."

– Two Hours Later –

"I thought I told you to be here an hour and a half ago," Professor McGonagall spoke crossly, looking down the top of her glasses as she spoke to each boy.

"Well, it took us a lot longer than we thought it would," James tried explaining.

"No excuses," Professor McGonagall interjected, "I will be taking five points off of Gryffindor from each of you and you will all serve detention tomorrow night."

"But we got the cow off the roof like you asked," Sirius tried arguing.

"And hopefully taking twenty points from Gryffindor and giving you all detention will help incentivize you to use your heads before you come up with another stupid and rash plan."

"Doubtful," Sirius muttered under his breath as he was dragged out by the other three.

"Of course Professor," James answered placatingly.

Remus added, "Have a good night. We'll see you tomorrow."

As the boys left Professor McGonagall rubbed her temples once again, muttering in disbelief, "A cow. On the roof," before returning back to the work on her desk.