The Marauders Guide on How to Have a Good Time At Hogwarts - Story Edition

I am bot allowed to provide the commentary for the Quiddich matches. Ever.

"Welcome to the 187th Annual Quidditch Match!"

"Oh, I regret this already," Minerva McGonagall muttered under her breath before speaking louder, "Mr. Black, we do not number our matches that way."

"Well, we should," Sirius Black responded quickly, "It would be much easier to keep track of them."

"I think the system we're using now works just fine," she replied dryly.

With a nod and a wink, Sirius said, "Ah, I see. Using the ol' 'if it's not broke, don't fix it' mindset. I get it. Change is hard."

Professor McGonagall looked up at the sky, as though she were sending a quick word to any deity that may be listening above and said, "Mr. Black, when I told you you could fill in for Mr. Harper to do the Quidditch Commentary, you promised me you would behave yourself."

"Did I?" Sirius asked innocently.

With a glare from his professor, Sirius rolled his eyes, "Yes, Professor. I promise."

Despite the fact that she felt that should would soon come to regret this, she nodded her head once, indicating that Sirius could start the commentary for the match.

Eager, Sirius immediately called out, "Good morning Hogwarts!"

"It's 2 in the afternoon," Professor McGonagall interrupted.

Ignoring her, Sirius continued, "Welcome to our first game of the season."

"This is our fourth game," McGonagall corrected.

"On one side, we have the voluptuous, talented, and very courageous GRYFFINDORS!"

Cheers erupted from the audience as the Gryffindor Quidditch team flew out on their brooms onto the stadium.

"On the other side, we have the brilliant, stone-cold, and creative RAVENCLAWS!"

Cheers that matched the same volume from before went out for this other team.

"Let the battle BEGIN!"

"It's – it's not a battle," McGonagall sighed, wondering if she should have brought a flask just to get through this game with Sirius at her side.

"And the balls have been let out," Sirius said, watching as the two bludgers escaped from the box they were being tied down in and the snitch flirted with the team's seekers before flying out of sight, "Oh boy, watch out for those two black balls. They look like they mean business."

The coach stepped out on the field and lifted the quaffle out of its place, quietly lecturing the players about a nice, fair game before blowing her whistle and throwing the ball into the air.

"And the quootle has been set free!"

"It's the quaffle," McGonagall corrected him.

"And we've got Kelly from Ravenclaw who got a hold of the quootle and is racing away on her broom."

"Mr. Black, it's called the quaffle," McGonagall corrected a second time.

"Kelly's passing the quootle to Rick. Then back to her. Then back to him. Then back to – whoa. Anyone else feeling a little dizzy here? Surely there's got to be a better way than just – WHOA! Rick threw the ball and got in into the little circle thing. Too bad, so sad for those Gryffindors. Cause it looks like Ravenclaw has just gotten themselves 15 points."

"No," McGonagall said with a deep breath, "It's 10 points. Only 10."

"Yeah, but I thought that their cool maneuvering deserved a couple of extra points."