You Make Me Sane

Chapter 10

Deion wanted to hurt the man who Alister called father. He wanted to make him suffer for what he put Alister through at such a young age and painful time. He wanted to break every bone in his body, twice, maybe three times over. He wanted to hear the screams of pain, then he wanted to hear the man apologize to his son. More than that, he wanted Alister to hear it. He wanted Alister to believe the man's words. He wanted Alister to think they were more than just empty apologies. Deion wanted to feel the man who Alister called father's breathing grew labored as he--

"What about you?"

"What about me, what?" Deion replies, struggling to maintain even breaths as he shoves the anger back inside of him.

"What's your story? You don't just end up at a hotline randomly," Alister says the ghost of a smile playing on his lips.

"Well, I guess we all have our reasons, don't we?" Deion replies by swallowing a few times, the muscles in his jaw visibly tensing.

"Hm..." Alister hums as he traces circles in the dirt on the floor.

"I..." Deion begins and Alister raises his blue eyes to meet Deion's green ones.

"I have somewhere we should go next," Deion finishes, but Alister has a feeling that wasn't what he planned on saying.

Deion swears continuously in his head as they get up and move to the door. Why can't he just open up? Why does he have to bottle it all up

inside of him? Why does he choose to go through this alone? Alister doesn't have a choice, he was forced into being alone in his pain. He's not like that, he's had people offer to help him through it, he's had people every step of the way, yet... He can't quite take the next step.

They slip into the car and pull out of the parking lot onto the highway. They drive with the windows rolled down, sunlight filling the car, reflecting off of the silk black exterior. Deion risks a glance at the boy beside him and finds blue eyes staring back at him. Deion suddenly changes the location of where they're going.

Alister's eyebrows furrowed together as they were walking side by side into the empty cemetery in the early hours of the morning. The smell of freshly cut grass fills their senses. Alister hums uneasily as they walk through the rows of plaques and headstones until they reach one in particular.

Deion kneels beside the headstone and Alister glances from the boy to the words scribbled on the top in cursive writing.

"Mateo Ortega,"

"My brother," Deion whispers as he glances up at the blue-eyed boy. He inhales a sharp breath.

"My brother died because of suicide. He died because no one decided to help him. He died because no one knew what he was going through. I was his best friend, and I had no idea what he was living with every day," Deion groans and punches the grass beside the headstone.

"I was the one who found him. I was the one he called when he wanted to be talked off the cliff, and I said..." Deion trails off, only then does Alister realize he's crying.

"Do you want to know what I said? I said nothing! I choked... I choked and he killed himself. I heard the gunshot ring through the phone. I was inside the cramped bathroom, smelling the blood and the alcohol, for hours... hours until the police finally came," Deion shouts, completely sobbing now.

Alister kneels down in front of Deion and places his hands on the boy's heaving chest.

"You couldn't have known, you couldn't have known what to say, or how he would react, you couldn't have known," Alister repeats but Deion shakes his head violently.

"No, no, no! I could have known because he told me he wanted me to help him, and I choked," Deion shouts and Alister shakes his head.

"It wasn't your fault, you are not to blame for your brother's death," Alister whispers and Deion glares at him through tear-filled eyes.

"Just like I'm not to blame for my father's abusive actions," Alister continues as if saying the last part to himself, like something he says as a mantra, to remind himself he is not to blame every day.

They remain in each other's arms as the sun rises to its peak in the sky.